Force of Nature

“Baby, you weren’t there and I was thinking of you when I came”
There are certain songs that I listen to that replay a memory like it was yesterday. A high school dance, driving around with my girl friends, and warm ups before a swim meet all have very specific soundtracks in my mind. Your memory was the song that played at the party where you kissed me and danced with me even though everyone was playing beer pong. The song I relate you to now has a lot more angry drum beats.
Did you play her the Civil Wars before you fucked her, too?
When I saw you cheating on me I stopped breathing. For a long time I held my breath and watched you entangled in each other. I won’t lie, part of me wanted to drag you off of each other by your hair and throw you around the room like a tornado. It would be easy, all that rage building inside of me like a powerful storm searching for destruction. I wanted to shake you like the earthquake of emotion you had just put me through.
Trust me, I wanted to do all those things and more. I wanted you to be as breathless as I was. My muscled tensed but did not move. I looked at you and I felt so scared. They don’t teach you how to react when you catch another woman on top of the man who promised to be only yours. I felt the anger boiling inside me but it was quickly replaced with waves of sadness. It started slow, at the back of brain but the waves grew bigger and the tide caught the back of my throat until it filled my lungs and I began to realize that I was drowning.
Maybe she reminded you of me. Maybe she tucked her hair behind her ears like I do when I get nervous. Maybe you just missed me so much that you judgment was clouded, like a waterfall of mist covered her and you thought you were reaching through its chilly spray to me.
No.
She was fucking blonde.
I wish I could mute the excuses that pour out of you. I wish I could listen to Bikini Kill all day and break things and yell and scream and kick and find my breath again. I want to be that tornado and tear you apart. I want to be the strong feminist I try to convince myself I am but I just can’t seem to get out of bed long enough to light a match and burn you down.
I am not alright right now but I am starting to remember how to float and soon that will turn into a doggie paddle and slowly I will remember how to swim. And when I do, you will not be safe. You won’t be able to hide behind your excuses. I will be a force of nature and tear you apart. You will understand what it is like to be breathless.
You will understand how it feels to drown.
