Sex Position or Hipster Food?

Sex Position or Hipster Food? These days, the number of foods popping up on the “too-hip-for-you” list is growing faster than yogurt cultures in an overheated food truck, but can you distinguish them from these lesser-known sex positions? The game goes like this: 2 points for each correct answer. (Only redeemable in the form of organic cat food coupons.) Minus 2 points and shaming in the form of eyebrow raises for each incorrect answer. 100 points for not requiring points, a.k.a. society’s approval.

  1. The Mexican Brownie
  2. The Butter Churner
  3. The Fully Loaded Kale
  4. The Artisanal Pickle
  5. The Hot Kombucha
  6. The Deflower
  7. The Kale Pie
  8. The David Copperfield
  9. The Ramp
  10. The G-Whiz
  11. The Tofu Taco
  12. The Pretzel
  13. The Iron Chef
  14. The Lardo
  15. The Bacon Maple Donut

Answers:

  1. Hipster Food: Involves a little bit of caliente but only in the form of cayenne pepper. Food should be interesting and specialized, not just like, “American.”
  2. Sex Position: What goes up and down and in and out? Two people mimicking a popular hipster pastime: making one’s own dairy products.
  3. Hipster Food: A kale salad. Loaded up with things. What things? Fuck, I don’t know. Bacon-wrapped dates and organic avocado slices. A handful of ripped cilantro. Pesto. Kimchi. Something from a goat.
  4. Hipster Food: Yes, it’s just a pickled cucumber, but did you know that it costs twice as much as you think it does and comes in a repurposed mason jar with a matte label and designer font?
  5. Hipster Food: Kombucha left sitting out in the sun whilst you planted succulents in your urban garden. Or, for lesser hipsters, kombucha warmed up in the microwave.
  6. Sex Position: Like the missionary position but with legs up, virgins! (Warning: Should not be mistaken with elderflower, a European flower found in the popular French liqueur, St. Germain — drunken by women with tattoos of birds and men who wear caps.)
  7. Hipster food: Minus 5 points if you were fooled by the word “pie.” This recipe requires lacinato kale and locally sourced onions baked with organic cream underneath a homemade flaky crust. For a touch of class, serve with pink Himalayan salt, jazz records and Instagrammed photos of you and all your friends on your rooftop deck.
  8. Sex Position: Could it be a cocktail served at one of those new age speakeasies made by a bearded man wearing a vest and/or suspenders? Nah. It’s just for people with vaginas who prefer strong, upward stroking motions.
  9. Hipster Food: If you’re a good hipster, you’ll get one single organic caramelized ramp atop your slow-cooked polenta, but no-ooooo more. No more.
  10. Sex Position: Only townies, bros and obese children do food in “whiz” form. (Side note: This position involves a lot of rocking motion and probable pain.)
  11. Hipster Food: Don’t be confused with whatever image of meat going inside something that you conjured because it’s not happening either way, no matter how much you paid.
  12. Both: One involves two very flexible, gangly humans. The other is homemade using organic wheat flour, sea salt, organic expeller pressed vegetable oil and organic barley malt. Dip for pretzels may or may not be included, but definitely don’t, like, ask about it.
  13. Sex Position: This involves a kitchen counter and upper body strength — not the Food Network. Hipsters don’t have cable, dumb-dumbs.
  14. Hipster Food: Big blocks of the white stuff found in bacon cured with herbs and spices, often sliced thin into fashionable strips and used for elevating things like “beans” into “beans draped with pearly, melting ribbons of lardo.” It’d be way easier if this just meant sex with someone who has a fat back.
  15. Hipster Food: This is a donut that costs $5.50 plus tax. The only donut-inspired sex position known to the Internet is “The Dunkin’ Donut” — arguably the least hipster food product of all time, right after the Hostess Chocolate Chip Mini Muffin.

Originally published at www.paigetowers.com.