Welcome To WOMAN’S CARD™

Hello and welcome to WOMAN’S CARD™, the card that provides lifetime, lasting coverage! No card provides more global benefits, nor benefits as dangerous OR frustrating. (Note: Levels of danger may be subject to race and sexual orientation.) Upon receiving your WOMAN’S CARD™ that will most likely be assigned to you at birth, you will have access to a variety of benefits including the following:

  • AMAZING views of the glass ceiling
  • Discounts on salary, which includes additional features like having to sit through laughing and/or scoffing when you try to negotiate for higher pay
  • A free, lifetime entry pass to discrimination (Note: Levels of discrimination are determined through calculations based on your additional identities)
  • FREE, highly invasive ultrasounds when you elect to use your constitutional right to choose to abort
  • Overall LESS access to women’s health care
  • The best possible opportunities for sexual assault and rape, including a free subscription to the You Asked For It™ program!
  • Priority entry to domestic labor and childcare
  • Exposure to sexual harassment and objectification, anywhere you go!
  • Sexist scrutiny from male coworkers and peers (NOTE: if you’re a female politician, you are eligible to apply for the GOLD STANDARD of scrutiny)
  • Increased opportunities to develop body anxiety (NOTE: depending on your qualifications, body anxiety can range from “underlying but always there” to “OMG JUST KILL ME NOW I WANT TO DIE FAT AND ALONE”)
  • A constant array of television programming that perpetuates unhelpful stereotypes about your gender
  • Extra special bonus passes for up-close seats to the show that is (primarily white) men continuing to occupy ~80% of the top jobs in most sectors
  • Protection against maternity leave
  • A money-back guarantee that men will forever continue to explain things to you
  • The opportunity to hinder your professional growth and career options if you choose to conceive life (NOTE: You will be shamed and potentially demonized if you instead choose to not produce life)

Additional benefits of WOMAN’S CARD™ include:

  • Increased risk of being sold into sex slavery
  • The fastest up-to-date reminders that “girls” are “bad at math,” “rational thinking,” “solving problems” and “best when they stay put in the kitchen”
  • 24/7 access to stories of women in other countries who are subject to far, far, FAR more dire discrimination than you (NOTE: Stories may include the following subjects: legalized rape, child brides, acid attacks, isolation from the outside world, enforced religious garments, shame and stigma regarding menstruation and sex, restrictions on education and jobs, restrictions on living like a human/being treated better than a dog, ETC.)
  • Increased pressure to have “thigh gaps” and “balloon-like breasts”
  • Trolling from men on the Internet