The baby is here!
Well, words were not enough on the day he came along, and they fall short. Words fail to grasp, to contain, to express all the feelings that come with fatherhood. On top of that, it’s not a definite feeling. It’s a feeling that evolves. In some ways, it’s like these candies we had as children. The ones that would pop in your mouth. The first time we tasted them, we swallowed a handful of them and we got all the expected “pops” in our mouth that even the nice logo and colourful package could not really describe! It was awesome. And then, as you were just cleaning your teeth with your tongue, another hidden candy was found that exploded on its own, out of the blue.
It’s something like that. You get all the feelings that your friends and your parents advertise, in your own pace and time. And still, when you think that “This is it! That’s what fatherhood is!”, something new comes along leaving you in awe. And my guess is that this will continue to be true for many many years to come. Now, 11–12 days after his birth, I revisit every second in the hospital, and I try to relive all the details (that’s when I am not changing his diapers at least!). I try to store them in my mind in an efficient and organized way. I worry that having lived all these moments in a weird trance of hapiness, I might have missed important details. On the other hand I think that as I distance myself from these days, and memories settle, they will come back rushing to me, more vivid than ever.
We are home now, and we’re an even bigger family (cause we already were one, albeit with two dogs and no children). Emotions and perceptions on family, fatherhood and the responsibility that comes with, are fluid and constantly changing. Doubt is there, hand in hand with insecurity, but in retrospect, I cannot remember a single moment in my life worth living for or mentioning, that did not contain a little (or plenty of) doubt and insecurity. And then, you have this involuntary smile and some random facial expressions that come when you least expect them, to make everything right and worthwhile in an instant.