The magic of self-talk

Two very powerful words are “I am…” for what we put after them shapes our reality.

We talk with ourselves constantly, our inner dialogue includes all the deliberate and random thoughts that run through our minds; everything said both silently and out loud.

Positive self-talk gives you courage, keeps you motivated and sets you up for success. It also translates to health benefits, not only because it lower rates of depression or distress but Mayo Clinic research suggests that positive thinking may also reduce the risk of death from cardiovascular disease, and ultimately increase life span.

Negative self-talk sets you up for anxiety and depression, it makes you feel bad, wrong, inadequate, worthless, guilty, hopeless and ashamed. Negative self-talk is that little voice that creeps in telling you that you can’t, that you shouldn’t, that there is something wrong with you.

Self-talk can be helpful or harmful depending on the words you choose to use. Words matter and our inner-dialogue has implications that affect our emotions, motivation and potential accomplishments.

Research has shown that the majority of our self-talk works against us rather than for us (2002, Stanulis & Manning). So how can we stop beating ourselves up and replace this negative self-talk?

Jim Kwik is a world expert in speed-reading, memory improvement, and optimal brain performance, he often uses acronyms to share key messages with his students and readers so they can recall information with ease. To help on replacing negative self-talk, he uses the first part of a magic word from the Aramaic phrase avra kehdabra, meaning “I will create as I speak”.

A B R A → Acknowledge, Breathe, Release, Align.

1. Acknowledge

Acknowledge it is there, embrace it, name it.

Professor Brené Brown “Power of vulnerability” author, calls her negative-self talk persona “The Gremlin”. Coach Tara Mohr, “Playing Big” author, calls it “The Inner Critic”.

Every year, Dr. Carol S. Dweck teaches a freshman seminar to 16 Stanford students, one of the assignments is to identify their fixed-mindset triggers and to give their Fixed-Mindset persona a name. This is one of the short papers that one of Dr. Dweck’s students prepared:

“Anything that triggers self-doubt triggers my fixed-mindset, which triggers more self-doubt. I’ve decided to name my doubt guy Dale Denton, Seth Rogen’s character in Pineapple Express. Picturing my fixed mindset as a lazy, bumbling slob of a guy sitting in the corner of my brain helps me battle against him. Dale produces a constant stream of doubt-provoking statements. Whispers of ‘What is you can never repeat that success?’ trail behind every successful outcome. And when endeavor veers in the wrong direction, Dale is always present to help the doubt blossom” . (2006, Mindset by Carol S. Dweck)

Research on naming emotion shows that when we label what’s happening we feel calmer and more in charge. I know that sometimes it’s hard to name the way your self-talk is making you feel and I have found that The Mood Meter app is super helpful to expand my emotional vocabulary and track my emotions drivers overtime. (This brilliant app was first conceived by Marc Brackett, he is founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, I also really recommend his talk at Google)

2. Breathe

Controlled breathing lowers your blood pressure and promotes a feeling of calm and relaxation. Try practicing mindful breathing, when trying to calm yourself in a stressful moment, it might help to start by taking an exaggerated breath: a deep inhale through your nostrils (3 seconds), hold your breath (2 seconds), and a long exhale through your mouth (4 seconds).

I use Headspace to guide my meditation and can’t recommend it enough but there are many more tools and apps that can guide you to implement a daily practice, I have also heard of Buddhify as some friends use it.

Also, if you prefer more traditional options; you can try to find meditation centres in your country. I have recently moved to Singapore and have discovered a Buddhist Meditation Centre where I learnt about three stages in meditation;

1. Mindfulness is the part of your mind that reminds you to focus on the object of your meditation (i.e. Focusing on the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe in and out).
2. Alertness is the part of your mind that notices when you’re about to become distracted by random thoughts so you can stop those thoughts before you drift your focus from the object of your meditation.
3. Consciousness is the part of your mind that gently brings your focus back to the object of your meditation when you drift to other thoughts.

3. Release

“These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb” — Najwa Zebian

When we try not to think about something and try to suppress it, our minds often keep going back to the same unhappy thoughts. We experience things on an emotional, mental, and physical level and all these levels are connected to each other.

As your body and mind are connected to each other, your body language can reflect and impact the way we feel. Dutch behavioral scientist and San Francisco State University Professor Erik Peper has done extensive research into this area and regularly makes participants in his classes stand up and stretch. The exercise is intended as more than a simple mental break. It is deeply rooted in the potential for posture to influence a person’s state of mind, for similar reasons why exercise has been linked to happiness.

When struggling with negative self-talk I’ve found that letting go of the mind and focusing on the body works best, whether by practicing meditation, going to the gym or by symply fixing my posture. Try, you wont regret :)

Another way to help letting go is to share your thoughts, according to Brene Brown, the shame that comes with negative self-talk only works when it’s a secret. “As soon as you admit to someone you’re scared to pitch to the Times, or to ask out your crush, invent the app, or open a business, that shame loses its power so you can go after what you want.”

4. Align

Create a positive phrase or mantra that is aligned with who you are.

A mantra is an instrument of thought and it is fueled by the act of repetition, constant and consistent repetition.

By repeating a thought or idea, it gains suggestive strength and energy, it anchors us to the present moment and gives us a stronger foundation on which to put our physical and mental intentions to. Find your mantra and repeat it to yourself to replace negative inner-dialogue with kind positive words.

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love”

Brené Brown