Day 12: Standing Naked In Front Of A Crowd
Reclaiming the Creative Self: 21 Days of Unraveling, Reflection & Healing
According to surveys done, the fear of standing up in front of a group and talking for most people is greater than the fear of death. I find that hard to believe, but okay.
Fortunately, I’ve never had that problem. The performer in me loves public speaking and loves having a captured audience. At least that’s what I thought.
In October 2017, I had a turn at leading a local women’s networking luncheon. I was excited about the opportunity as I loved the group and it was my first time.
The meeting had a flow of which I was already accustomed and as the leader, my role was to facilitate the group through that flow. We started with introducing ourselves and our business and answering a personal, but not too personal question as an icebreaker.
This was followed by a 10-minute presentation from one woman sharing about her business while attendees were served lunch. After the Q and A portion with the presenter, there was time for announcements.
I had decided ahead of time I was going to share about the crowdfunding campaign for “Joyful Journey” — Instrumental Music to Relax the Mind & Lift the Spirit. A music project I had started in 2004 and had about 90% complete. This was something I’d never shared about publicly to a group. Just the thought of it terrified me.
I suppose the exact same fears that make people dread public speaking were the exact same fears I had about publicly sharing about my creative self. I feared being judged; evaluated as less than; feared being rejected; feared being ostracized.
The strength of my fear in just thinking about doing it, is what motivated me to just do it. I wrote out a whole script ahead of time to calm myself and get my thoughts straight. I could see myself going stupid or blank in the moment without it.
I practiced reading it aloud for 2 days ahead of time. The day of, I wasn’t ready. But it didn’t matter because I knew fear was never going to be ready.
As the last person sat down from sharing an announcement, it was now my turn. My turn to either close the meeting or choose to share about my music project.
I was holding the piece of paper with my script written on it and my hands were noticeably shaking. I felt a pit in my stomach and every cell in my body was screaming, “Just close out the meeting”.
But instead, with fear in my throat, I said, “I have an announcement I’d like to share about”.
I probably read straight off the script. I don’t know for sure because those minutes are a blur to me. I checked out because of the level of fear. I don’t even remember if I closed out the meeting properly after “my announcement”.
I just remember sitting down feeling almost shell-shocked with the thought, “Oh, God. What have I just done?” Then, I felt that familiar flush of shame wash over my face.
It was the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt in front of a group of people. Who was I to stand up and say this is who I really am and what’s really important to me? It was a huge breakthrough.
Not only did fear not win that day but my creative self had the experience that I’d be willing to move out of the way so that she could be seen, felt and heard.
This lyric from the song “Breathe” by Anna Nalick, has always struck me through the heart, because it so authentically speaks to the level of vulnerability I feel every time I’m sharing my creative self.
“…. If I get it all down on paper,
it’s no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
’Cause these words are my diary,
Screaming out loud
And I know you’ll use them,
However you want to”
Will it get easier over time to publicly share my creativity?
Maybe.
But maybe not.
It’s reported that, at age 75, Henry Fonda still used to throw up each night before a stage performance.
Honestly, I don’t think it matters if it gets easier. My perspective is, all that matters is that we are expressing our creativity whether for ourselves or others.
I invite you to keep creating as if you’re life depends on it, because in truth, the quality of it does.
This is the 12th installment of Reclaiming the Creative Self: 21 Days of Unraveling, Reflection & Healing writing series.
