Why This Sick Fuck Was Getting What He Wanted 

( And why Jian Ghomeshi will get what he deserves.) 

I could couch my words and only use language that rolls off the tongue in a sweet manner – like “narcissist”, but I can’t. I can’t use polite language that is probably listed in the internal CBC style guide to describe how I feel about what I have read about Jian Ghomeshi. What he allegedly did is ugly. Ugly isn’t a strong enough word. We need a word that smells like diarrhea, feels like starvation and looks like Gustave Doré’s Punishment of the panderers and seducers from Dante Alighieri’s Inferno.

I can only use offensive words to describe this person I have never met. (I used his name at the beginning, but I don’t want to write it again.) I rarely listened to Q. I didn’t like his interview style. I never trusted his voice.

I know a lot of people would have disagreed with me in the past, but I watched a few videos of his show before this came out, and I could see something in his eyes that I didn’t like. He has those dark brown eyes that some people find soulful. Puppy dog eyes. They don’t seem like the eyes of a sociopath, where you can see right away that the smile doesn’t reach that part of the face. No, he had the smile down pat.

I’ve known men who have those eyes. You don’t have to be a sociopath to have a soul that is empty. You just need to be royally fucked up. You have to be so fucked up that you don’t realize that you are hurting people.

Everyone is talking about “big ears teddy”. To me, that bear is a sign that this is a messed up man-child who never grew past the stage where little boys hit girls or pulled their hair or teased them because they didn’t understand why they liked them.

He is a rebel, and an attention seeker, a douche bag and an asshole, but guess what? So are lots of guys we like. It’s true. Not all of them beat women.

We’ve given him attention, which is what all narcissists want, whether it is good or bad. I am guilty of this too, but it’s necessary as part of the process to bring justice to the women he has hurt.

I can play armchair shrink and wonder what led him to become this way, and maybe it is important to know that, but that’s not what is important right now.

It’s obvious he has contempt for humans in general from watching this video that was recently posted on YouTube. Maybe he is a sociopath or a psychopath, but those are cold, clinical words. He is a piece of shit. He’s a cunt. I say that because it is a word some men use to demean women.

This week, I have spent minutes and then hours reading and writing about someone I previously had no interest in. He’s taken something away from me without ever touching me. He has taken something away from all women. At least ten women and probably more had something much more sacred taken away from them.

I know something about this. I was raped by a stranger on my 25th birthday. He came into my unlocked apartment when he saw me stumbling in after a night of drinking with a friend. I never reported it because I was drunk and knew no one would believe me.

I am 61 now and that night still has a terrible pull on me – dragging me down to a place I don’t want to revisit. I know the name of my rapist. Frank Kotasek. I have never written it before, but I am doing it now. He told me his name because he wasn’t ashamed. His brother was a friend of mine who lived downstairs. When I told him, he didn’t believe me. I never reported it because I was afraid, but I am not afraid now. Other women have told me similar stories. There are so many of us.

I also know something about our flawed justice system. I worked as a private investigator for many years. At least three times during those years I had cases from defense lawyers who were representing men accused of rape. “Dig up dirt”. That was what they wanted me to do. Find something nasty about the victim to prove she asked for it. That was many years ago. We’ve become better at standing up for the victims of sexual assault, but we still don’t have it right. We still have people like this radio guy harassing and harming women because too many times “he said-she said” means deleting the last two words.

It pleases me more than I can say that what “she said” is being validated. What she and she and she et al said is powerful and I believe to be true because like many women, I have been there. Dear beautiful women who have come forward, thank you for giving me the strength to add my voice.