I Found Me! Part 2
Today, I am 2800 miles from home. Today, I am lost and really struggling to find myself.
- I’m traveling about, visiting my son, his family, and some old friends. My daughter is happy with her life and friends at college. What could I possibly have to complain about?
- I made this trip intending it to last at least a couple of weeks and haven’t yet scheduled a return trip. Why? Because I can-that’s why. I’ve never experienced this kind of freedom. I should rejoice in the opportunity, but I struggle to embrace the freedom.
- After all these years of having to get things done, it is VERY difficult to just be still. I love being still, it’s just that I always seem to have to be somewhere else besides home to do it. In fact, it is almost impossible for me to enjoy being still if I am indoors. Thank God for music, books, sewing, windows, board games and beautiful men to watch movies with. And wine-thank God for wine!
- There is so much to learn, do, and see, that I have trouble picking anything at all. The inundation of choices is stressful-often to the point of anxiety. I didn’t expect that being an open-minded, willing participant could be so daunting.
- I wish I could relax without feeling nauseated. That may be part of why I enjoy spontaneous so much. When the mood strikes, do it-whatever it is. If I don’t sit still too long, I won’t feel ill. eh?
- I’m trying to be still now and I think I pissed off a squirrel. Shush, Squirrel!
- Empty Nest is not a problem. I have been perfectly okay with letting my kids grow up and be on their own and their own persons. They amaze me EVERY DAY and I am not exaggerating. On good days they inspire me. Frankly, given my current state of mind, I feel a little intimidated by them. I may even be a little jealous of them and that makes me feel absolutely rotten.
- I’ll always be a mom, even if the kids aren’t home. But divorced after 20 years of marriage threw a monkey wrench at my self-esteem — That was supposed to last forever. I have a SSSSEVERE lack of purpose. My kids tell me, “Just do you, Mom. Do whatever you want.” But, when “me” has always been about someone else, it is really hard to be selfish. I want to be selfish, I do-I have a list of things I want to do for me. But it goes against my nature to be selfish.
On a happy note-I am loving being here with my kids. My son is a wonderful man, has a wonderful wife, and the grandkids, naturally, are wonderful. I was able to celebrate the youngest’s birthday today, in person. She said I laugh too loud-at least I’m laughing : ) I am loved. I am healthy. I am blessed with the opportunity of a lifetime.
In the big picture, I know very well that I have little to complain about, but change is harder for some than others. Sabbatical is a time of reflection and change-that is it’s whole purpose. I thought it would be all fun and games. Ha-ha! Joke is on Me.
I did not intend blogging to be a journal of my personal problems and resolutions. Personal stories seem to be a popular thing, though, in the blogging community, so I suppose I can take advantage of the ‘medium’ and let it out once in a while.
I say to myself, and I say to you-Remember that Life is ever-changing and Change is hard, so count your Blessings to stay on top of the world.
Thank you for reading. Have an awesome day.