I miss you, “Don’t Trust the B — in Apartment 23”
I absolutely love “Dont’t Trust the B — in Apartment 23”, a series that aired on ABC from 2012 to 2013. And I still miss it. Thank the gods that I can rewatch it on Netflix in Brazil whenever I want. When I’m feeling down, I just go on and watch an episode and that makes me feel a lot better. In a way, it comforts me. It’s like meeting an old friend, who hugs you when you need and have the right uplifting insults. I stumbled recently in an article that says exactly that: rewatching the same shows is good for you. And that pleasure comes from finding news things in familiar settings.
For those who don’t know the show, it tells the story of June Colburn (the perfectly cast Dreama Walker), an apparent naive girl from Indiana who just moved to New York to follow her plan of getting a job in Wall Street and marrying her high school sweetheart, Steven. Along the episode, she loses her job, her apartment and her fiancé. At the end, she ends up becoming Chloe’s (Krysten Ritter, aka Jessica Jones, comedy gold) roomate, a beautiful, cool and cunning tall woman who’s friends with the actor James Van Der Beek (James Van Der Beek, in his best role ever) and who schemes on potential roomates. But June outwits Chloe, who starts to respect her. An unlikely friendship is born, along with a bunch of charismatic supporting characters.
The show didn’t run for long and was mistreated by ABC, running the episodes in random order and not airing the final ones. Its raw and politically incorrect humor is not everyone’s cup of tea, but I think is genius (I would even say that in a way it has influencedseries like “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” — Kimmy and June are both from Indiana, btw!). As this is my personal ode to this underrated TV show I ranked all the show’s 26 episodes from the least to my favorite ones — just another excuse for me to rewatch and be filled with joy.
26- Paris
This episode introduces us to June’s nemesis at her new job: Fox Paris. She tries to sabotage June at work and at home, stealing everything she has. Choosing this episode as least favorite was an easy pick, because I was never taken by Paris, the character, and how Angelique Cabral plays her. Something doesn’t click here. The thing is: she doesn’t have any chemistry neither with Chloe nor June. Also James discovers he was sexually harassed as a young actor while helping Mark (Eric Andre) coming to terms with his feelings for June. Having said that, I really enjoy the scenes where June stabs Paris and how Eli helps June on her morning routine.
Favorite quote: “We gotta back it up, to acting, the mother of writing. All right?”
25- Whatever It Takes
This is an episode that I forget it exists, and is one of the only ones that I don’t get excited to rewatch. I end up watching it anyway just to go with the flow, but I think is the least funny of them all. Even compared to “Paris”. Maybe this one should be at the bottom of my list. I don’t know… In this one, June tricks Chloe at dating the son of her boss, who has cognitive problems. Chloe just hangs out with him when she is absolutely drunk. In order to get employed, June keeps getting Chloe drunk. Not even James trying to trade “Dancing With the Stars” partner with Dean Cain saves this one for me.
Favorite quote: “June, you’re an addict”.
24- Ocupado
I have to say: I am not a Benjamin (Ben Lawson) fan. I don’t dislike him, but I don’t like him either. I think the character is a good match for Chloe, but I was not taken by him and I am glad that he only appears in three episodes. In this one, Benjamin is in town to shoot a sunglass commercial with JVDB and he spends a lot of time with Chloe having sex in bathrooms. When Chloe realizes she is jeaulous of not being Ben’s number one in his sex rotation (or “cycle”, as they say in Australia, or “loop”, in Canada), she gets him to be deported from the US, since he is Australian. It is a very Chloe thing to do, but the best thing is June trying to comfort Chloe: with ice cream, The Cranberries’ “Linger” and Des’ree’s “You Got Be” (I love how June gets cut by all the characters when she tries to sing), and Chloe takes her to Indiana to see that Aaron DeMayo was not “the one that got away”.
Favorite quote: “June, some sex is about to happen right where you’re standing, so either get in or get out”.
Favorite Eli quote: “Two Number Twos in a Tub. I bought that video in Germany. Weird country”.
23- Love & Monsters
A Halloween episode where we discover that James hates feeling scared and Chloe meets her match: Benjamin. It’s like a revenge story inside a meta chick flick cliche commentary. Nothing is as it seems. I like that Chloe has the last laugh. Yes, June is a real good editor. The firefighter was cute. So was June’s hobbit fantasy (did I say I’m a nerd?).
Favorite quote: “Girlfriend was famished”.
22- Shitagi Nashi
“Apartment 23” had already a cartoonish feel from the beginning. So it is not surprosing that there is an episode that was centered on animated versions of the characters. Chloe is “Shitagi Nashi”, or “Tall Slut No Panties”, the main character of graphic novel famous in Japan. The author is Patrick Kelly, the roomate of Chloe’s rotation third guy. In one of this dates she takes along June, who can’t drink and is struggling to keep hanging out with her friend. They both realize that their lives are revolving around Chloe and they need to move one. So Patrick makes his new character Strong Bowling Girl Talks a Lot kill Shitagi Nashi. Chloe gets mad at this because she is afraid of being forgotten. All of us, Chloe, all of us. And James is always busy with important issues: Dean Cain’s dressing room is six inches bigger than his.
Favorite quote: “You were friends of a lot of your mom’s friends, weren’t you?”
21- Using People
June meets Chloe at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and turns out she is one of their favorite speakers! They are a great audience for her drunk stories. Chloe is definetely a Leo. While this is happening, James is trying to appear more “deep and troubled” to get cast in a Martin Scorsese picture, and June keeps asking Mark to do favors for her and she gets jeaulous of the idea of him going on a blind date with Pepper’s “perfect” friend, Marisa, and… maybe she likes having him around because she likes him, says Chloe. Mark, then, steps up and spills it out, yeah, he really likes June. (Good for you, Mark!) So they try to have sex, but it’s like two babies having sex, god awful, but they keep trying, and keep suffering until Chloe and James make a sex intervention. June and Mark decide then that they are better of as friends that as lovers. It’s actually a very mature episode but not as funny.
Favorite quote: “Jada Pinkie Smith”
20- Original Bitch
This is actually a great episode: great story, great writing, great directing from creator Nahnatchka Khan, great acting, great Charo cameo, great 90s references, so why is so low on this list? Because is the last “Apartment 23” episode, and usually I don’t watch it as much as the other ones because it makes me sad to think that their journey ends here. I want to have the illusion that they are still having a ball in New York. It is a great season finale, and it even works as a great series finale, because “Apartment 23” comes full circle with the origin story of our heroine: Chloe. And this should be said: Chloe is the heroine because the whole series is mostly coming from June’s point of view (she even narrates some episodes), so Chloe is so awesome and terrible at the same time because we see her through June’s eyes. Here, we see Chloe trying to get back at Trish Osborne, the original bitch from Apartment 23, the roomate who taugh Chloe everything she knows and the one who stole Chloe’s dream: being the “foot ho” at the TV show “The Crank”. Turns out Trish is dead and Chloe realizes that despite June is in her life for over a year now, she keeps her at a safe distance because of her confidence issues. And June just wants a true friend. And in the end that’s what she gets.
Favorite JVDB moment: When he knocks on MacGyver’s door and asks if he is his real father, which the actor Richard Dean Anderson denies. “Look at our foreheads!”, JVDB replies.
Favorite quote: “I’m only afraid of one thing in this world, and since you aren’t Steven Seagal’s ponytail, it isn’t you”.
19- Teddy Trouble
This is one of most romantic episodes of the series. Chloe discovers she really likes Benjamin since she can’t focus on her traditional race for clothes at the Carter Mash sale. It’s kind of sweet seeing Chloe realizing something she doesn’t want to see. That is called “growth”. The problem is that it doesn’t have much space for all the raw humor that the “B — -” is great at, in spite of the fact that there are jokes about pregnant women. Along with that we are introduced to Teddy, a friend she met at psycho camp! He doesn’t get along with Eli, which is hilarious. The scene stealers here are the clothes themselves: June’s bathing suit and a bunch of Beek Jeans who ended up at the retail warehouse sale making James realize that he needs to create a clothing line “Le Beek Chic c’est Beek” (he is still working on the name).
Favorite quote: “June, you deserve that urinary infection that bathing suit is giving you.”
18- The Leak
James is nervous about dancing in front of millions of people. So he sweats in his chest area, and along the episode he has crying thighs. The lesson here is that you need to relax and get out of your head and let things flow. And that a public humiliation can help you get through the fear of another public humiliation. And June learns the difference between being a friend and being friendly. Oh, and that Eli throws parties for his co-workers at his apartament, he has a life, you know.
Favorite quote: “I’m preparing for the greates role of my career: Me” (So true, so true in so many ways)
17- Hamptons
How do you recuperate from a traumatic “Dancing With The Stars” experience? You go on the best weekend bender you could ever. June stops the limo to get milk from a goat and fresh peaches. She wants to visit a lighthouse. And watch birds. And bring a pie to to Willoughby, a melancholic hipster named Bernard who does not have a computer but a typing machine in case you want to compose a sonnet. Oh, and he is Chloe’s husband. When the party girl has being to every party, what’s next for her? Have sex with Lenny Kravitz in the bushes. It’s still great.
Favorite quote: “You’re an Asian American driving poorly, and I’m an African american sitting in the back of the bus, both chasing a distant white man. This is not what my mother marched on Washington.”
16- Bar Lies
The culmination to all James’s hard work: a bad trip given by a Chinese mushroom tea bought by Connie, June’s mom, his favorite M.I.L.T.T.T., mother I like to talk to. June also learns how to lie. 4 real. Chloe teaches that a fun lie is different than a betrayal of trust. June still needs to learn what a gray area is. And Chloe learns that she has a conscience. Not to worry, in the end of the episode we get to see the dance routine that James and Valentina rehearsed so hardly.
Favorite quote: “You are so lucky everybody has an opinion of Jimmy Fallon.”
Favorite Eli quote: “Accidently flipped to a C-section on TLC? I do that all the time.”
15- The Scarlet Neighbor
June just wants to be nice to someone. Actually, anyone in New York. She misses that community feel of knowing your neighbors that she had in Indiana. So she makes cookies to go to the tenants meeting. I love that Robin is always wearing some sort of pajamas, and that she has a whole life outside of her Chloe obsession. Chloe tags along and ask to meet the new family, the Pizzolis, who have a 17 year old son, Antoni, or Toni P, or Nut-Nut. As a registered sex offender, she has to tell families with minors who she is. That makes June a “slut by association”, which really bothers her. So she tries to convince Chloe to date only appropriate guys. She gets interested in Mark, who is just single since Jennifer broke up with him. And lucky for her, he is throwing brunch on Sunday, when she realizes that he really likes June so he is an inappropriate guy because he is emotionally unavailable. The brunch scene is fun and June people pleasing not working in New York is a joke that never gets old.
Favorite quote: “Do you know who I hate? Single moms. They male such a big deal about it”.
14- It’s Just Sex
Sex is complicated. A sex tape makes things even more complicated. Chloe and James have to deal with the fact that June gave away their sex tape to her church and Pastor Jin sold it to Visage Video. When trying to reshoot some scenes because James is not doing what he should be doing with his tongue (his Chapstick was in his pant’s pocket), she realizes she can’t have sex with him because she cares about him too much. At the same time, Chloe introduces June to the concept of casual sex, since Steven was the only guy she has ever slept with. Chloe tells her to start a conversation with Soy Latte Guy, the guy June thinks about when she masturbates in the tub. That’s exactly what June does! I alway smile when I see June all so happy after having sex for the first time with a different guy that Steven, thinking that she was good at it (we’ve all been there). But she has difficulty at being so detached, especially since Judy, Soy Latte’s bird, has escaped and he is all so sad. I love the casual sex kit that Chloe gives to June. So thoughtful!
Favorite quote: “Did you have sex in my bedroom?/ Yes, June, and you can too!”
Favorite Eli quote: “Sex tape gives porn a dirty name.”
13- Making Rent
2 words: “Beek Jeans”! I learned the tasteful trifecta: the gays, the hipsters and the Japanese. Hansel is James’ client zero: Arigato, Heeeey! I also learned the word “trifecta”.
Favorite quote: “Luther is my new nemesis. He replaced cheap tequila”.
Never forget: Meggings = Male leggings
12- Mean Girls
June just want to spend time with her friend Chloe, who rejects her attempts of female bonding. After all, she likes to take crime tours in New York not having a manny. So Eli, their sexually adventurous neighbor and always the voice of reason , suggests that June bonds with other girls through shared interests. She decides to take pilates classes and ends up as part of the “Hotties 4 Pilates” pack, which makes Chloe very angry. She doesn’t like to be friends with girls. So June tries to attract Chloe to the gang by drinking virgin cocktails, which makes Chloe even angrier (I feel ya, girl!). When Stephanie, the gang leader, doesn’t show up to take June to class, she thinks Chloe murdered her. Chloe then decides to mess with her head. But she didn’t expect that June would find out that first, and she starts to mess with Chloe as well. Oh, how great! Chloe didn’t know girlfriends could mess with each other like that! While this is happening, James is trying to be a mentor to a girl who is a victim of bullying despite the fact that she asked for Mario Van Peebles.
Favorite quote: “Oh, I just realized! I hate you!”
11- The D
June receives a poor annual evaluation by Chloe for her first year in New York, getting a D, which is too low for this straight-A girl (I know the feeling since I’m a nerd). When she complains about this to Luther during a yoga class, he decides to introduce her to James’ assistant agent, Will, who is just her type: “thin, white and punctual”. June and Will get along, but an annoying client, a wannabe-writer called Spalding, doesn’t let him enjoy his free time. The thing is that both of them have the same bitch, which causes a lot of mess in everyone’s life, especially James’ who is preparing to audition for a Woody Allen movie, “Monte Carlo, Monte Carla”. JVDB’s sermon on how everyone’s relationship is affecting his career is awesome as is his new voice training routine: “No Bananas, New Bananas, No Bananas, New Bananas…”. In the end, Will gives June an ultimatum: if she wants to date him, she must move to another apartment, away from Chloe. And June chooses Chloe, because she “pushes me to do things that otherwise I wouldn’t do, like a blind date”. That’s what friendships are made of!
Favorite quote: “You date like a quaker”.
10- A Reunion
A great and true message of the series is that the place where you are is where you are supposed to be, so make the best of it. All of this taken from an episode in which Chloe writes fake letters from the cast of “Dawson’s Creek” asking James to make a reunion show, so that he can have the pleasure to say “no” to them. I just realized what a great gal she is! What is great here are the cameos by Frankie Muniz (Malcolm, who stays in the middle), Mark Paul Gosselaar (Zach Morris from “Saved by the Bell”) and Busy Philips, who are both united by their love for the horse Cha-Cha.
Favorite quote: “Ta-da.”
9- The Parent Trap
Yes, June and Chloe are co-parenting a foster child during Chloe’s “busy season” of being a lifenight guide to the world dignataries during the UN General Assembly, a three-day period in which she accumulates 75% of her annual income. At the same time, June is working at the coffee shop and doing a non-paid internship and taking care of their child, the pretty smart Molly. June is like many of us: we think we can multitask. We think we can handle everything that comes into our way, but no. Juggling as a lifestyle. There is a point where you have to be humble and accept that you can’t handle everything… I think I’ve been taking this series too seriously. Or I’m just projecting. But the real treasure here is James Van Der Beek and Kiernan Shipka (yes, Netflix Sabrina) “In Papa’s Arms”, a father and daughter body swap movie, the only body swap movie never done before.
Favorite quote: June, June, June, June, June, June, June, June, June. June.
8- Monday June
The one that Chloe misses June and wants her attention! June has been so busy working at Harkin Financial and doing her thing that doesn’t have any more time to listen do Chloe’s stories, and even forgets that her friends from Indiana Chrissy and Robert are coming for a visit. So Chloe drugs her during Sunday brunch and she just wakes up on Tuesday not remembering what happened Monday. And boy, June had the best time! Made dirty jokes with her coworkers, got a pig, danced until her thighs got soar, created a mistery series with Mark called “Cutie and the Booty” and suggested a high risk arrangement for the Yoshida account, which will possibly give her a promotion. Even Paris starts to like her. But Everyday June can’t keep up with Monday June, and she tries to clean her mess. Chloe/Minerva, of course, shows up and kidnapps June’s clients. She is like a kid misbehaving to get her friend’s attention. That’s how sweet Chloe is. This ends up being “B —”’s essence: since Chloe does not know how to deal with her emotions, she messes everyone’s lives in hilarious ways.
Favorite quote: “I have too much money. My wallet’s so thick is hurting my back.”
7- The 7 Year-Bitch
It’s like an alternative universe episode in which we see how Chloe would be in a Beekless world and how James would look like if he became “soft and complacent”. It all starts when James keeps seeing a girl Chloe vettoed, and she decides to end the friendship. She tries to reproduce her dynamic with James based on insult banter with another young TV actor, Beckett Everett, who has four “t”s in his name, which is a huge fail. So she gets a job at Gloss Mobile to have arguments with customers. James is now in a healthy relationship with a girl who loves him for the way he is, and James gains some weight in a span of days and starts to deflect attention away from him. They both hitted their rock bottom. So June tries to spark their flame back at Eli’s exhibition “Different Butter Violations”. I love Eli’s life outside the apartment and beyond the stereotypes, something they try to do with the rest of the supporting cast. I LIVE for these details!
Favorite quote: “Oh my, James is a giant peach”.
6- Dating Games
This show was great at meta commentary. In this one, they make fun of the reality TV show language. While watching a “Bachelorette” like series “Spring May”, June enters unwillingly with Chloe and Robin at a fictious dating game hosted by James Van Der Beek in order to compete for a guy who has a very close relationship woth his greataunt that only June has a real interest in. All the gags of a reality/game show are there and I always laugh so hard at them. The terrible slogans (“Let’s mingle while we’re single”), the plot twists with the Mind Fork (“Mark has a crush on June!” Oooooo), the sponsor Dr. Diet Pepper (DDV by JVDB), James pretending that his microphone is working and Luther screaming: “But it’s a dumb game. This isn’t even connected!”.
Favorite quote: “A friend zone was also one of the ideas I had to improve that Belgium game show that I hosted. See, all the contestants would put their friends in an area, or “zone”.
Favorite moment: the quizz. “Tough to prove”, bitches.
5- Daddy’s Girl
This second episode is so enjoyable and has a great message too. It’s about not following plans and being open to new opportunities. It’s all about finding the now. It follows the tone set by he pilot showing a very strict and plan-follower June being set up with a guy by Chloe. Suspicious at first, June really gets along with Scott, an older man who is also into biking, caring their own lemons and listening. The problem is that he is Chloe’s dad, and he is not actually separated from Karen, Chloe’s mom, who is in a wheel chair. The development is hilarious, as well as James trying to teach a class at NYU like James Franco — the students only want to know about his time at “Dawson’s Creek”! And Eli, the “perv”, turns out to be the voice of the reason in this series. Also important: Luther, the man who weights James in the morning, makes his first appearance.
Favorite quote: “What is “Bowfinger”? / It’s a movie that came out and I don’t know. Clearly I have issues.” (I watched “Bowfinger”. These are my sentiments exactly)
Inspirational quote: “Just because this isn’t your life plan doesn’t mean this isn’t exactly where you’re supposed to be: Here… in New York… with me.”
4- Pilot
This is when it all started. This pilot is a comedy treasure and is absurdly quotable. It gives a great presentation for our characters and sets the tone for the rest of the series with its irreverent humor. Chloe is an unlikely female character still today on television. She is tall, beautiful, cool, mean, smart, self-centered, guiltless. AND funny. She doesn’t take BS from no one. AND she cherishes all of that about her. She really doesn’t care if she is being obnoxious. She is just being her: the complete opposite of June, a people pleaser with the best intentions. And the friendship that evolves from their meeting makes both of them better people: June less naive and more spontaneous and Chloe, well, more human. And James, what can I say? James is my favorite. He was a discovery for me. JVDB really has the comedy chops and is a good sport or is really brave or has a great self-esteem to make fun of his persona and his career the way he does in the series. The rest of the supporting cast is great: Eli, as the neighbor perv, Mark, as the friend/potential romantic interest, and Robin, the girl next door obsessed with Chloe.
Favorite quotes: “Do you know what’s fun? Alcohol.”
3- Sexy People
This episode grew on me through the years. So did Brenda. Chloe storming at People’s magazine office and taking over is a comedy treasure. And it should be frozen for all eternity so that everyone can see it. She does that to prove to June that she will think James is sexy if he appears at the cover of “People” of sexiest man alive 2012. His photo shoot is on a horse. With no pants. We discover this is not sexy.
Favorite quote: “You’ve just being here for three days!/ And I have come to all of them.”
Favorite JVDB quote: “Donnie, I just saw the horse’s trailer. It’s bigger than mine. We go by star size, not body size.”
2- It’s a Miracle
This is “Apartment 23” at its best shape. No one escapes of becominga joke: people in wheelchairs, the homeless, a pie. It’s a holliday episode and it’s way better that my family reunions: Chloe makes June to pretend to be in a wheelchair in order to help her Thanksgiving. June bonds with Chloe’s mom, who is also in a wheelchair, but for real. June tries to talk to Chloe’s father, who runs away from her since they had a thing not so long ago. June has a nervous breakdown. Complains that everybody has legs. Reveals she is faking to be a disabled person. Terlss everyone she had been with Chloe’s dad. Chloe’s mom didn’t know that. It’s just wonderful.
Favorite quote: “There’s lipstick in my cup. Oh my God. They are reusing cups.”
1- The Wedding
This was love at first sight: it has always been my favorite episode. I decided that when June tried to sing Alanis Morissette’s “Oughta Know” at the microphone at the Davidses wedding and Eli, the voice of reason, pulled the mike out of her hands and said: “No, no, find another way to express that.” Or when Kevin “Hercules” Sorbo discovered that it was a wedding not an event to fight M.S. and said he would stay to eat the salmon before firing his agent because his Aunt Bonnie can’t. Also Aunt Bonnie’s bottoms. Eli’s band May/December. The vodka names. I could go on forever. For me, this episode is perfect.
Favorite quote: “This is most un-fun threesome I’ve ever been a part of. Nobody’s having sex, and someone is yelling.”
