Ways to be a better straight ally

Note: I found this in my Medium drafts. It’s two years old! Maybe I had more to add. I don’t remember. On a reread, though, I still like it, so I decided to make it public for Coming Out Day.

Heads up: I chose to use the q-word in this article. I also use both f-words, but I put an asterisk in the really bad one.

1: Stop thinking of yourself as ‘normal’.

Understand that terms like ‘cisgender’ weren't invented to piss you off. Marginalised groups need terms — like ‘white’, ‘straight’, ‘able-bodied’ or ‘cis’ — that describe the rest of the population, otherwise the language being used is reinforcing the idea that there’s ‘normal’ people on one side of the dividing line, and then there’s us freaks on the other.

Some people might use those words in an obnoxious way — some people are obnoxious. But don't immediately get defensive whenever you hear the word. It’s not an insult, it’s just a linguistic tool.

And have a little empathy: if it hurts your feelings so much just to have your identity described, imagine how it feels for marginalised people, who don't enjoy the societal influence that people like you do, and who have probably been called far, far worse for a long time.

2. Just because your gay friend thinks it’s okay, don't assume all queer people should think it’s okay

Minorities are not a hive-mind. Some people will be offended by things that others will have no problem with.

For example, I don't like hearing the word ‘gay’ used as an insult or derogatory term, whereas some people don't have a problem with it. Another example is the use of the word “f*ggot” in ‘Fairytale of New York’ — among my queer* friends there’s a whole spectrum of opinion (I'm roughly on the ‘it doesn't bother me’ end, FYI).

You already probably accommodate different people’s comfort levels in your everyday life — most people don't swear in front of kids, but might in front of their friends. I steer clear of certain issues when talking to certain members of my family. It’s just basic etiquette. This isn't that different. If you know a term bothers someone, at least try to save it for when they aren’t around.

*This includes the use of the word ‘queer’ as an umbrella term. Some people, like me, find it useful. Others still consider it a slur. If in doubt, best to find an alternative.

3. Don't make ‘LGBTQIAPQRSTUVWXYZ’ jokes

It’s an unwieldy term, and a lot of people don't use it anymore, for one reason or another. MOGII/MOGAI (Marginalised Orientations, Gender Identities and Intersex) is becoming increasingly popular. I like that a lot, but it hasn't entered mainstream consciousness yet, which is one reason why I personally like to use the word ‘queer’ — it’s simple, it’s inclusive, everybody knows it, and it’s used in academic circles which lends it a certain amount of legitimacy (to reiterate, though, some people really really dislike it).

The point is, the original acronym, which is still the most widely-used, has expanded to become more inclusive. It’s imperfect and awkward, but it springs from a good impulse, and it’s best not to undermine that.

4. Find opportunities to educate yourself

Everybody fucks up sometimes. At some point, you're probably going to unwittingly say something that upsets someone, and they might lash out at you. You're human, so you'll probably get upset in turn, and you might decide that if someone can't handle you making an honest mistake, which was meant without malice, then fuck them and the horse they rode in on! You're not going to bother trying to appease these people anymore, since apparently you just can't win!

Don't give in to that gremlin. I've been there myself. I get it. But give yourself time to cool off, remember that that person isn't an ambassador for the entire community, and remind yourself that we all overreact occasionally.

If you do upset someone, try to figure out why. Of course, being upset doesn't automatically put someone in the right, and you might come to the conclusion that you did nothing wrong, but equally, you might learn something.

Of course, there are also people who will stay calm and politely explain why they found what you said problematic. Whether or not you choose to listen and use this as a learning opportunity says a lot about how good an ally you are.

5. Don't focus solely on ‘gay marriage’

In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't use the term ‘gay marriage’ at all. ‘Same-sex marriage’ is a lot better, because it’s inclusive to multisexuals (bisexuals, pansexuals, etc.).

That aside, marriage equality seems to have become the main focus of the mainstream LGBT movement over the past few years. That’s all very well, but it does have some unfortunate side effects.

First of all, not all of us are pro-marriage as an institution. It’s a fairly regressive, conservative concept, and while of course people should have the choice to enter into the institution if they want to, it doesn't follow that it should be seen as the most legitimate kind of relationship, or that people should be financially rewarded for it. Personally, I'm all for marriage privatisation — keep it between you and your chosen religious/spiritual/other community.

It can also serve to delegitimize promiscuous and non-monogamous queer people. The focus on same-sex marriage has created a hierarchy of acceptability within the queer community. The most celebrated, ‘respectable’ queer people in the public eye are generally those like, say, Neil Patrick Harris, who has two children with his husband David Burtka, or Ellen DeGeneres, married to Portia de Rossi. I'm a big fan of Ellen and Portia in particular, and I wish them the very best, but not everybody fits so neatly into a traditional mould, nor should they. I’d argue for popping the bubble of respectability, not just making it slightly bigger.

6. Respect people’s identities

Don't assume that you can tell someone’s sexuality by their presentation, and for god’s sake don't be smug about it if you turn out to be right. You ‘called it’? You ‘knew it’? You don't get a medal for a correct guess, and you shouldn't have been guessing in the first place.

Coming out, even to oneself, can be a long, painful process for some people. It’s possible that you might see the signs before they fully come to terms with it, or feel comfortable sharing it, but it’s pretty tasteless to congratulate yourself on that. Also, you might be wrong! Someone’s presentation isn't a surefire predictor of their sexual identity, even if there is a lot of correlation (and let’s not forget the role that social conditioning plays in that).

Don’t turn people’s struggles with their identity into a guessing game. If someone tells you what their sexual, gender or romantic identity is, it’s not your place to agree, disagree, or award yourself points.