Identity and Identification: Why Defining Who We Are Is Both Necessary and Painful
Integrating polarities is a great way to sail away from a fixed mindset
Have you ever heard the expression, “we’re all fighting a battle”?
I often use it to level the understanding that no matter who you are, where you come from, where you live, the relationships and possessions you have, you are likely to feel that something is missing in your life. Or there’s something you need to achieve, produce, conquer, reach. Or even that there’s something in you that you want to change.
Put simply, this sense of discomfort is innate to our human experience. It mostly stems from a sense of lack that is born with us at moment zero. From the darkness, quietness, and warmth of the womb, we are suddenly given light, and along with it comes a lasting pre-conscious and pre-verbal experience of rupture that is quite brutal.
The notion of separation both originates our life and intensifies in our life. We are physically separated from our mother, and what unfolds from that moment is a gradual amplification of this separation during life, through babyhood, toddlerhood, childhood, teenhood, and adulthood. This process is essential to us because it is through this learning that our sense of identity is developed — a product of the building of our Ego from events, experiences, and relationships that take place in our life, in what is called individuation.
For simplicity’s sake, let’s say that in our process of individuation we begin to understand who we are, as well as who we are not. It is a symbolic “drawing of the line” that defines where I end, and where you begin, what we like and do not like. It is this process that sets the foundations that will gradually help us shape our values and our morals, which in turn will guide our decisions and our behavior (not necessarily in this particular order). For example:
- Honesty is important to me. (value)
- To me, being honest is right, while being dishonest is wrong. Therefore, I choose to be honest. (moral)
- In my view, someone who cheats is dishonest. (my individual perspective on a behavior, based on my morals and values)
- I do not cheat, so I’m not a dishonest person — or vice-versa. (where I draw the line that defines me, in opposition to that which is not me)
In short, in individuation, our Ego establishes these boundaries based on our learning experiences. It works in favor of our understanding of ourselves and the world around us, as well as a reinforcement of who I am and what I am made of — my values, principles, and actions. On the same breath, it hones the ability to discern, which is fundamental to pattern seeking, sense-making, and developing oneself. When we set boundaries, we separate our selves in a dualistic form where one side only exists in relation to an other.
The human frame of reference on our existence: The Sistine Chapel
Black and white. Night and day. Tall and short. Fast and slow.
Our discernment is mainly predicated upon what are called polarities. Not necessarily about good or bad, polarities represent the very process described at the beginning of this post. It is built in the fabric of our human experience, in the way that we not only perceive ourselves but how we perceive life around us — even the origins of our existence. To a certain extent, this framing is so inherently human that it is difficult even to begin to ponder or imagine life without this logic as a reference point. Take, for example, Michelangelo’s paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
There we find evidence of humankind making sense of its own origins, circa the 1500s. It is clear how impossible it is to disassociate our existence from the existence of Earth, and naturally, the Solar System, our galaxy, and the universe. In the first act, known as The Creation, we see a human figure representing God, who begins his work by dividing darkness from lightness, and later the Sun and the Moon, land and water on Earth, eventually creating the masculine and feminine in Adam and Eve. The rest of the story we all know how it goes, and it is mostly about humans being humans — what I call a species in the works.
Note how our understanding of things inherently comes in the form of polarities. It is in the act of dividing and naming things. To discern is, on its own, a process of noting things in relation to others. On one side, this calms our mind because it gives us the answers we search for (not all answers, and certainly not the biggest one — why are we here). If you look closely, it is actually funny to note how even the biggest of our questions are also answered in a binary, dualistic, very human way: God was a man, and he began by dividing things.
The shift from identity to identification
So far, I have summarized the process of identity formation and how it is manifested in our lives using the honesty scenario as an example. However, it was perhaps an easy example because overall we tend to gauge honesty as morally right and desirable. Though often unpleasant examples play out in daily life wherein our socializing with others dicey challenges are presented for our Ego to work with.
Still on the honesty example, the moral/cognitive discernment through which one perceives him/herself as an honest person is the exact same process that may lead to one perceiving him/herself as tall in opposition to short, or competent, in opposition to incompetent. And clearly, it is far more comfortable and more pleasurable when we identify ourselves with something we gauge as positive, correct?
However, that is mostly not our general experience. Why?
As stated in the beginning, the disruptive experience of birth and separation we face early in our lives, along with our natural process of individuation, both originate and reinforce a sense of lack, leaving us prone to identify more with negatives than positives . Hence, our typical human sense of discomfort that translates to a continuous focus on the part of the glass that is empty.
When we overly focus on negatives and keep looking for what is missing or not working in us (or in the world around us), we shift from shaping our identity to becoming identified, or attached to a particular thought, habit or emotion. This attachment to negative is one side of identification, and it is one of the main sources for the internal pain and discomforts aforementioned. It can leave us stuck in this place of lack, thinking that we are not enough or that something is missing — certainly a place we need to move away from.
The path before yin meets yang
But how to do this? How to negotiate with our Ego between defining my identity and not falling victim to identification? Three important factors have to be taken into consideration:
- Self as an organization
Consider the possibility that you may have multiple identities. For example, think about the domains relationships, work, and travel. In every relationship, we show up in a particular way, because the fact every person is unique extracts a different side of us in relation to them.
The same rationale can be applied to the dichotomy between work and personal lives (if there still is such a thing in this day and age). We can agree that the self that shows up at work, in meetings, with your boss, is not the same self that shows up at home, with your partner, or playing with your kids.
Lastly, if you have spent time in foreign countries, you probably noticed that each culture and language pulls in you a particular way of being and acting, in a beautiful process of adapting to the local flavors. We fundamentally change into a different human being.
2. Polarities have two sides, not just one
As cited before, the human mind is about discernment, aka separation/naming. In doing so, we create polarities. The negatives (such as to feel like you are incompetent), are just one side of a polarity. This may sound too simplistic, but being attuned to the polarities we create and our preference for one side of them is a massive process of self-awareness and self-correction.
More than that, to deliberately focus on the other side of the polarity we repress is incredibly tricky — usually, it is a work done in tandem with a professional. This is equivalent to one shifting away from self-criticism and sense of inadequacy, or that we are not good enough. We all have been there, and know by experience how hard it is to change this framing.
3. Integrate both sides of polarities
Once both sides of the polarity are acknowledged, conventional wisdom says that we should “forget the bad side.” I will, instead, urge you to try the opposite: integrate it. Succinctly, there are good reasons for the Ego to have you perceive yourself in a certain way — after all, it was being this way that you made it to this point, healthy, sane and capable.
For now, try not to judge what you gauge as this unwanted side of you (also known as shadow) as this would be just another way you would again be framing things in a good/bad polarity. Instead of self-criticism, experiment with self-discovery. Put on the hat of the researcher of you and try noticing moments in which your sense of self is negative or inadequate, and moments when the opposite happens. As meditation teaches us, just note — don’t judge.
American philosopher Ken Wilber states it beautifully: “Every truth is partial.”
Taking another vantage point and building a perspective on our perspective is crucial to our ability to change how we see life, and more importantly, how we see ourselves in it. In other words, it is as if the colors of the world you see were a result of the glasses you choose to wear. If until now you have been seeing some grayness, this does not necessarily mean that the reality is colorless. Try picking up another pair and look again. You might end up charmed by your own colorfulness.
