How to Cry Like No One’s Watching

Thanks to mobile technology, you’re never too far from hearing the latest gossip, trends, or tragedy. Eventually, that $400 bomb will go off in your pocket while in public. Your cheeks will flush, your breathing will grow shallow, and your eyes will start to burn. You’re about to express socially unacceptable emotions in public. What do you do?

1. Live in New York. Admittedly, this might cause you to cry in public more often, but if there’s a city that can ignore human suffering, it’s New York. Some might argue any city will do, but you risk heat stroke, Midwestern kindness, or getting hit by a car, or worse, a trolley. You’re insides are about to burst. Head for cover…
2. Get in the Subway. No matter the season, the subway car is the perfect climate controlled environment where you can languish an afternoon away. There’s little supervision and an established code of “mind your damn business.” Plus, it’ll only cost you one swipe of your MetroCard.
3. Beware of kindness. New York kindness is abrupt, to the point, and in passing. A genuinely kind New Yorker will throw a pack of tissues at your face as they exit the subway car. If someone actually stops to ask you what’s wrong, they’re either on the verge of tears themselves or are looking to recruit you. Either way, you’ve just wasted 20 minutes.
4. Take regular breaks. Another advantage of losing track of time and a sense of self on the subway is that there’s always an end to the line. This is not a metaphor. Eventually, your train will stop and the conductor will instruct you to get the hell out. Don’t worry, there’s another train just across the platform. Again, this is not a metaphor. Wallow, my friend. Wallow.
5. Don’t forget to fuel up. Before getting onto your next train, make sure to stop by your friendly MTA-approved snack vendor. The walls are lined and shelves are stacked with imitation food as bad for you as they are delicious. Let the Cheetos and the high fructose corn syrup do their jobs.
6. Wear sunglasses. Eventually, you’ll tucker yourself out and notice the old man masturbating furiously just a few seats from you. But above all, you’ll notice the florescent lights. Sit up, use the tissues some kind New Yorker threw at you, and put on some sunglasses. They’re the only thing protecting you now.
7. Repeat.

I hope these tried and true tips will help you get through your day. Better out than cancer, amiright?