Pubescent Life Crisis?

ddr
ddr
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.

— Tyrion Lannister

I’ve never been criticized for being a bastard during the time I’ve been alive actually, so I can’t really relate 😂. But there have been some… difficulties, to say the least, that I have encountered due to my circumstances that other illegitimate children, or children of divorcees might also be able to empathize with. I’m not here to garner sympathy about a sob story (it’s really not that tragic lol), but to share my life, so that others who are going through similar circumstances may not feel so alone.

The majority of my life, I’ve been running back and forth between my parents’ houses because of an edict we received from court (spoiler alert: my dad won 🎉). But c’mon guys, what about my opinion? Albeit, I was only in kindergarten to fourth grade when this was happening ... Anyways, my parents are complete opposites, whether it be socioeconomic backgrounds, values, etc., so it was really hard trying to cater to both of their personalities. Why would I cater to them instead of being myself? Great question! It’s because I would get in trouble for dumb shit like being “too similar to my dad”, or “too similar to my mom” 🙃. Somewhat hypocritical of me since my posts are about identity and staying true to yourself. However, it’s because of my past experiences that I’m able to gather the strength to be true to myself today (to the best of my abilities lol, life’s rough man). Honestly, it gets tiring trying to meet everyone’s needs and expectations so that they won’t feel disappointed in you. But in the end, you’re not happy, so what’s the point? It took me a long time to come to this conclusion and accept myself for who I am. Some experiences were more prominent than others in helping me come to this epiphany.

There came a time in my life where I was faced with the timeless question of, “who do you like better, mommy or daddy”? Oh boy. To me, it wasn’t just a question; I had to make a decision. Eighth grade was coming to an end and graduation was just around the corner. But wait! Can I invite both families?! Just putting this out there right now if you can’t tell from the hints I’ve given, my parents hate each other 😂🙄. Especially because of the circumstances of my birth, both of my families hate each other too. Well that’s awkward shit, because how am I supposed to get both of them to attend my graduation? Of course, being the innocent child I was, the thought of lying didn’t occur to me, so I asked my dad if I could invite my mom and her family. Dumb child 😩.

Are you crazy? How do you think your stepmother would feel if she saw your mother there??? No, you have to choose which family deserves to go. You should know that we are the ones who have paid for you until now, so you choose.

Me: 🤷🏻

You know when your parents are pissed at you and they ask you a question like you actually have a choice (LOL)? Yeah, at this point I would’ve much preferred taking a math test (I sucked at math in middle school btw). Long story short, my mom and her side of the family snuck in. MUCH to my displeasure. Like, mother, pls. If you get caught I’m the one who gets in trouble 😭. All of these decisions of having to choose sides and who deserves what made me go through a long rebellious stage along with an identity crisis — the cherry on top 😋🍒. However, I’m at peace with myself now. I still hear from time to time that I’m too much like the other parent, but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I think college and the distance has really helped with centering myself and really understanding who I am as a person and not what others want me to be. I’ve also had some great friends along the way who have loved me unconditionally. Sometimes I think it’s more than enough to have at least one person to love you wholeheartedly and support you in your endeavors. And if you don’t have that, you still have yourself. It wasn’t easy getting to where I am today, but it’s not impossible. The world — and parents — won’t change for you, so all you can do is change yourself. People will make you choose, whether or not it is fair. Be stronger. Be braver. Be kinder. You can only bend to the world for so long until you break, so love yourself. I hope you find peace as well ✌️.

;)
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