
Crickets And Thoughts
The night is quiet and cold.
I can hear crickets from where I am sitting, in the garden overlooking a dark void.
Just a few hours ago, this place offered a wonderful scenery, of the tiny volcano on the center of a lake. Now it’s just darkness, hollow and haunting, like an emptiness that constantly gnaw on my consciousness.
My instagram and Tumblr present a stark contrast. A clash of two perspectives. Two versions of one story. Neither is a lie.
Is it peace or is it emptiness? Maybe something in between. An interface of a journey. The bridge of a song. A candid moment where laughters and tears interlace. A rollercoaster ride of the mind and soul.
I’m not alone.
For this I am grateful. I can’t stop the racing thoughts, I can’t stop the nightmares. I can’t help the misfiring of negative emotions, yet with clouded vision I remain aware, that beyond the fog of depression, there are people waiting for me, needing me, loving me amidst everything that I am – in spite of so many things I can’t do.
I laugh because I am not sad.
Depression is not sadness.
I am not lonely. I have learned to function in both isolation and chaos. My depression is like a void I could not fathom. A wound that does not heal. But I am NOT unhappy.
I have depression. And they are two different things.
It’s now time for me to go back to our room, I’ve been sitting here long enough. The crickets will be sad to see me go. They are company to my haywire thoughts tonight. The darkness seem thicker now, the lights from the lamp post dimmer. The garden however is surrounded by a cacophony of sounds from its inhabitants, reclaiming their place in the night.
As I stand, I let my shadow lead the way.
