9 Ridiculous* Life-Changing New York Habits I Wish I Could Unlearn

I recently injured myself. Like, call-an-ambulance injured myself.

“Were you wearing clean underwear?” asked my doctor friend. (Anyone in the medical field will caution you to always wear clean, matching underwear in the event your life comes to this).

No, I was in a sweaty sports bra and running shorts.

While I was sprawled out on the floor of my apartment, and after they broke down the door, the EMT had some questions for me. Lots of questions.

“Is there anyone else here?” the EMT asked.

“No.”

“No one else?”

“No.”

“You’re all alone?”

“Yes.”

I winced in pain.

“How old are you?”

“30.”

“Really?!”

This period of time forced me to reconcile the fact that I was alone (did you catch that?), I was old (but apparently did not look it), and I also could not move. I will confirm the meaning of life begins to crystalize when you can barely get yourself to a toilet, and your apartment is only 350 square feet.

But, I am an independent woman. And we get shit done. In adjusting to my crippled, spinster lifestyle, I began to understand why New Yorkers do what they do. I also vowed never to choose the gym over pizza again.

Anything Delivered

1. Amazon Prime

2. Amazon Prime Now

3. Amazon Pantry

4. Amazon Amazon

I used to hate Amazon. Like, go-out-of-my-way-to-order-something-on-Target-and-then-wait-for-the-next-Mercury-in-retrograde-to-get-it-hated. As I couldn’t move, I needed something just slightly more efficient. Fine. Enter Amazon, my Mr. Darcy of online retail. He came through. Bringing delivery within hours. Delivery on a Sunday. Sunday? I have no idea how one can compel the USPS to deliver anything, let alone on a Sunday. Take my money, Darcy.

5. Cabbing everywhere (to work, three blocks away…)

I mean, why would you ever get on the subway?

6. Laundry Service

Zip your stuff up in a giant blue bag, hand it to some guy you only have to say two words to, and that shit comes back — FOLDED.

7. Seamless

Seamless may now be a verb. There is a folder on my phone now full of apps just to make people bring food to my door. Outside of New York, this is a luxury. However, most people have an unwritten list of things that are seemingly unacceptable to order in. Mine are breakfast related: coffee, bagels, breakfast sandwiches. (Some people have no shame). Sometimes, it can be useful to compare lists. To determine, for instance, if you may or may not want to procreate with someone.

Once, a first date asked: “How could anyone ever order in sushi? Sushi?”

We never went out again.

8. Fresh Direct

Because sometimes I like to pretend I’m not going to order in.

9. Prescription Delivery

A lot of times I feel like I get just the one pharm tech who just wants to end it. He or she has a lot in common with your neighborhood DMV or government office worker. It’s all just too much for them. (Granted, I feel for you, I do). There is the exception of the Disney CVS in lower Manhattan that is always eerily pleasant. No, I will not tell you where it is. Even so, it is out of the way, and drugs in your mailbox just feels so classy.

*Ridiculous — hopelessly unnecessary, but so very convenient.