Daddy Diaries, Part 9: I’ve turned into that one Uncle
We all have that one Uncle. You know, the one who asks you awkward life questions, tells ridiculous dad-jokes and laughs the loudest at the punchlines, and gets overly political at family parties after one too many glasses of whiskey?
I am that Uncle.
I’m only 32 and never thought it would happen so quickly. I always thought the transition would be slow, one Christmas party at a time, but it seems to have hit me all at once like a werewolf during a full moon. Here are 10 ways I’ve definitely turned into that one Uncle.
- I will text you to make sure you received my snapchat.
- I will leave you a voicemail. If I don’t get a call back within 10 minutes, I will snapchat you, then text to make sure you received my voicemail.
- I have no idea how to use snapchat.
- Oh, you’re single? Let’s have a discussion why. I am here to help (examine?) your love life.
- Oh, you’re married? Where is the baby? Give me the baby.
- Speaking of babies, what do you call Iron Man throwing a tantrum as a kid? Robert Meltdowny Junior. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THIS JOKE PLEASE USE IT WHENEVER YOU NEED TO.
- Sorry, I don’t remember your name. Yes, I realize we just shook hands. No, you don’t need to bother repeating it — I honestly don’t care enough.
- I see you over there F-ing up my garden, Zippy, Oscar, and Samantha! Yes, my daughter named these three SOB squirrels who frequent our home because she thinks they’re all “so cute”. But these bushy-tailed demon creatures are lucky this isn’t the Oregon Trail. Is it bad to wonder what squirrel tastes like?
- I will take off my shirt and be the first to jump in a pool. I mean, it took years to shape this dad-bod into the visual masterpiece it is. If you got it, flaunt it, amiright?
- I rarely get ashamed. I’m not even embarrassed about this post.