Reflections on a Sunday Morning

Parker Brookwood
Jul 23, 2017 · 5 min read

There are so many directions I could go with this post today. So much has happened in the last several weeks. For the purposes of anonymity, it’s probably best I spare you (the reader) the details. Let’s just say in attempting to cope with a marriage that has been long over, learning to be alone again, sharing my love with only those who deserve it, and accepting who I truly am (all while trying to make the right choices for me and my girls) — I’ve made some good decisions and poor decisions.

First, the poor decisions.

  1. I picked up the damn cigarettes again and that must stop.
  2. I am pickling my liver. Being Irish it’s our “go to” coping mechanism. I know it’s probably too simplistic to blame being Irish but alcoholism runs on the Irish side of my family. No one is shocked by this. And I have no interest in becoming an alcoholic. Even a functioning one.
  3. I’ve invited a few people into my life who quite frankly are simply taking up space. And I will need to make some choices in the coming week regarding what to do about those individuals.
  4. Being in a small town, I will also have to decide how to deal with the assholes who seem to think they know the story of why my ex and I split and want to blame me and tell me “this is what you wanted.” No assholes, this is NOT what I wanted. What I wanted was for my husband (at the time) to take care of himself, to address his ED (or at least try), to quit being verbally abusive, to contribute financially — to commit to being a full partner in the relationship. That’s what I wanted. But . . . it’s no use in explaining to myopic people things they will never see anyway.
  5. I still feel beige about work. This is not a poor decision. The poor decision part is doing nothing about it. That has to stop in the coming weeks. I need to poise myself for a move — even if it’s not immediate.
  6. I haven’t been to spin class in almost two weeks (mostly due to travel and vacation). This ends Monday at 6am. I have to put my energy in healthy places.

Okay now the good decisions or what I will call “good experiences.”

  1. I discovered I have more people on my side than not. And that is a beautiful feeling. I have quite a few people who will go to the mattresses for me. Too many people and too many acts of kindness to list in one place. Short version: I found my tribe and I’m loving them hard.
  2. I have reconnected with people who are good for me — who I need in my life. A college friend from Michigan who checks on me daily, a former work colleague, and of course KS who I love dearly (even if he doesn’t want me to). These people are good for me and I need to keep them. (I sound like a collector but honestly I’m more of a connector than collector if you know anything about Malcolm Gladwell you’ll understand.)
  3. I have had more sex in three months than I have in the past 11 years. I am not saying all of those experiences were good choices (and there haven’t even been a handful — okay maybe a handful) but I feel alive again and desired, and beautiful, and wanted. I know there’s a catch-22 with this one b/c it’s a balance between good decisions and bad choices but it’s been good to be unencumbered this summer and just enjoy the moment — no strings attached.
  4. My yoga practice has waxed and waned due to all my travel but I feel like I’ve become a better yogi and a better yoga teacher. I am willing to try things I never would have before and I’m pushing the envelope with my practice. Going to Wanderlust with ES was one of the best decisions I made because it kicked my practice and my teaching up a notch. I am planning to do acro teacher training this fall and think that will stretch me even more — my strength, my mental thought process(es), my teaching — all of it.
  5. I have spent more time outdoors than ever before and not just at the pool. My patio has become a weedy refuge with friends and fire and s’mores with the girls. I have hiked, kayaked, swam and spent time under the stars. And I cannot wait to keep moving. Goals once I get more financially stable and situated are to buy my own kayak and maybe even a SUP. I live right near a river, I need to do this. It’s good for my soul.
  6. Music is back in my life. And with music comes art and color and vibrant people. I’m dancing in my kitchen with the girls, singing in the car, exploring new yoga playlists, listening to more live music everywhere I go . . . it makes my heart sing. It also makes me cry in the bathtub but sometimes you need a good old fashion “the world hates me cry.” The point is that I not only do I hear music again, I feel it and I am able to let it fill me up.
  7. Perhaps the best thing has been time with my girls and with my 21-year old step-daughter. Time at the pool, hiking, yoga, laughing in the kitchen, watching movies, shopping, traveling, kayaking, cooking together. They are the best and brightest spots in my life and for that I am truly grateful. I don’t know if I am teaching them all the right things, but I know they know I love them with all of my heart.

Okay now for the things I need to settle in and get focused on . . .

  1. Getting some sort of groove back at work.
  2. Painting and reading again. I think I’ve stopped b/c I’ve been afraid of the emotions reading a good novel or painting on canvas will evoke. But I’m ready.
  3. Finances. I need to poise myself for an exit from this place — maybe sooner rather than later.
  4. Getting spin back in my life and finding my routine again (spin, work, yoga, eating better or just eating period).
  5. Making plans to do things that make me happy — concerts, plays, etc. Spending money on experiences rather than things.
  6. Minimizing and downsizing and organizing this house so that when I do make the decision to escape, I’m ready.

So there it is . . . as I come to a close of summer (or at least my summer) . . . I thought it was important to reflect on this messy life of mine and recognize the good, the bad, the wonderful. Sometimes when you read stories here, it’s easy to forget the real people behind them. That we all experience ups and downs. That’s all life is — ebbs and flows, high tides and low tides. We just have to make the decision to swim regardless.

Parker Brookwood

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