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Illustration by the author

I recently signed up for a free trial of the video series Rethink Your Dink Shrink from the multi-level marketing company Hotel Pool Body. It’s all about calling regular at-home exercises new and exciting things so that by the time the 30 minutes are up, you’re like, “Oh, what? I guess I just worked out!”

The instructor is a total badass. Her name’s Summer Counteroffer and her breasts don’t move when she lays down for crunches. She calls them Ab Squats, though.

Her workouts are tough, but she’s super encouraging — to the viewers at home and most of the backup cast, anyway. …

“Once you get a goat sacrifice in there, it’s simply over for my clitoris.” — Molly, Ohio mom

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illustration by Emily Clouse

February 14th: Valentine’s Day. Where did it come from?

As a self-contracted freelance journalist with no other projects, it felt like my job to find out.

But to put it in perspective, I’d just gotten paid

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via (ShortsTV)

Because The Irishman is very long, you’ll probably have to skip the 2020 Oscar Nominated Live Action Shorts. Don’t beat yourself up over it. That’s Jimmy Hoffa’s job! I have not seen The Irishman.

What I DID SEE are all 5 of the short films. Specifically, at the Arclight on Sunset at 6:20 pm on Friday, January 31st. It’s too late to stalk me! And I’ve recapped and reviewed all of them here so that you can “form” your “own” opinions on which should take home the Goldman.

While last year’s malicious batch seemed themed around the violent vulnerability of boyhood, 4 out of 5 of this year’s films touched on, if not fully centered around, some specifically-female pain. 1 out of 5 films featured 0 female actors. …

Unlike so many disgraced celebrities, my clients actually can cover up their transgressions.

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Photo: iStock

Hello. My name is Raven von Fassbender. I am an artist, activist, vegetarian, beta fish doula, and the creator of the #MeTattoo movement.

My clients come to me in a state of shame and regret over having disgraced celebrities tattooed onto their bodies, and I help them find their way back by offering my forgiveness, creativity, and not asking too many questions.

I didn’t choose this work. This work came to me, in March 2018, in the form of a man. A man with a full-thigh tattoo of television personality Ryan Seacrest.

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Trophy by Emily Clouse

Our little shriekers overcame all obstacles — from having the natural rhythm of a hooked fish to exhibiting the vocal range of a microwave.


Emily Clouse

writer, artist, comedian, actor, bed maker / //

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