Ego Vs Self Esteem
Many are guilty of buying into the common misconception that ego and confidence are essentially the same thing. They equate both with a brazen attitude that’s seemingly unflappable under pressure. It’s even been said that taking on such an attitude at work will get you ahead in your career.
The reality, however, is that these two concepts are quite different. To have confidence is to have faith in your own abilities and believe in yourself, but the ego is something else, entirely. Unlike confidence, the ego operates out of self-interest. It seeks approval, accolades and validation at all costs in order to be seen as “right”. It is resistant to feedback and assigns motive where there isn’t any.
In the workplace, it is these very differences that will make or break your career. That’s because when you allow the ego to take over, bad behavior ensues. Suddenly no one can get the job done quite like you can and all sense of teamwork goes out the window. It’s one thing to work hard out of passion and a sincere dedication to results. It’s an entirely different thing to take on a self-righteous attitude and judge others along the way. Taking on such an egocentric outlook will close your mind to new solutions and inhibit you from the learning the lessons at hand. Growth will soon come to a halt, as will your contributions to the organization. From there, it’s just a matter of time before management grows tired of the drama and is left wondering what you bring to the table in terms of value and results.
Self Esteem
Your self-esteem is an assessment of your self-worth; how much or little are you of value to yourself and to others? Your ‘self’ concept is founded on a high self esteem; what are your self-beliefs (I am confident, I am honest, I am loyal) and do they help you actualize who you want to be in other words, your ideal ‘self’? As Maslow argues in his hierarchy of needs one needs high self-esteem in order to self-actualize and realize one’s full potential. We tend to like people with a high self-esteem; it is common for these people to be happy, non-needy and selfless in listening to and helping others. We describe these people as “down to earth”.
Ego
The ego is the opposite of self-esteem. The problem with the ego is it can often ‘disguise’ itself as your self-esteem and it is important to become aware of this behavior when it arises. Your ego has a number of different definitions, but its most commonly agreed definition is it is your self-defense mechanism and more importantly, your false concept. All the ego is concerned with is indulging itself in self-destructive behaviors (I want, I need and so on) and differentiating itself from others (you’re better than him/her, you’re cooler than him), whether it is talking about other people behind their back (often coming from a place of your own insecurity) or self-appraisal (I did this, I need to tell everyone about it). The ego needs to be validated at all costs in order to ‘survive’ if it is not (even by your ‘self’, that it begins to weaken). The ego could even be likened to your inner child, constantly in need of attention and if it does not receive is, lashes out.
In my opinion, Ego is the feeling of supreme. It is an attitude of thinking ourselves superior to others. Ego obstructs the open mind as it gives lot of importance to self while rejecting other personalities and point of views.
However, the ego can also be self-destructive; it can make you feel worthless, lonely, depressed, and insignificant and all those other negative emotions.
What is the difference between ego and self esteem?
If I love someone and they tell me they don’t love me, I realize that them not loving me does not make me less worthy of being loved. Me not being loved by another might hurt my feelings but it does not impact myself esteem. This is because self-esteem is how I see myself, and it comes from inside me.
Ego is a ravenous, insatiable search for external validation.We all have an ego. It is part of our composition. But sometimes it gets out of control.An out of control ego must be an expert at everything, does not accept ever being wrong, shows off, needs to be the best, is convinced the problem is everybody else, finds it difficult to apologize, regards everything as a competition and has to win.
A person with a healthy self-esteem is happy to learn from others, sees herself clearly and does not link being right or winning with herself worth.The relationship between ego and self-esteem is inversely proportional.
Ego is our false-self; it is a cover up for our insecurities. Ego leads us to reject other’s opinions which is counter productive for our development. Ego closes our mind and obstructs our vision so that we cannot see anything other than the ideas of our own. Deepak Chopra, a well known spiritual leader, has written — “The ego relies on the familiar. It is reluctant to experience the unknown, which is the very essence of life.”
The very basic difference is — ego is negative and counter productive while self respect is positive and sign of confidence. The associated feeling is of confidence and self assurance. While in ego the associated feeling is of insecurity and fear.
When we are self assured and confident against a contrasting opinion — it is self respect. In this situation we respect our own opinion while giving importance to other opinion as well. But when we have ego then we become in-secured and scared. We close ourselves in a shell thus not respecting other’s point of view. Ego leads us to argument, anger and ultimately to pain and hurt. However, self respect leads us to stability and peace.
Why Ego Persists?
It is an unhealthy attachment to self; Ego persists because we deeply attach ourselves with our ideas. This attachment leads us to resentment; we resent any thought of making our idea inferior to others. Due to this resentment we show negative emotions while facing a contrasting opinion. We argue, become angry and even try to intimidate to make our idea stand out. We are so attached to our idea that we just cannot see it coming second to someone else’s idea. Let go this attachment and ego will also be gone.
Managing Ego and Developing Self Esteem
The best way of managing ego is to break the unhealthy attachment with the self. This unhealthy attachment does not let us to appreciate other’s point of view. By “breaking the attachment” I do not mean to not respect your own idea. That will be hurting the self respect. Respect your own idea but also listen to other’s point of view. By ‘breaking the attachment’ I meant to detach ourselves from the behavior causing ego. Respect your opinions but not to the extent that you become defensive.
You have to re-direct you focus on yourself, your ‘true’ and not your ego or what others may (or may not) think about you. Be honest with yourself, what do you like about yourself and what do you not like about yourself? Do not challenge it — just accept it. The ego is concerned with emphasizing strengths and de-emphasizing weaknesses.
It is okay to ‘love’ your ‘self’, this is not the same as inflated self-importance; what do you like about yourself that is of the benefit to others (are you a really good listener?) and what do you not like that you can work on (sometimes I can feel jealous of others people’s wins, why is that and how can I minimize it?)
I woman I was spoke to said “you’re very arrogant aren’t you?” and I said “no, I’m confident.” She said “what is the difference?” and I answered “arrogance is overcompensating for a known weakness; confidence is knowing your strengths but also knowing your weaknesses, that way you can improve them.”There are a lot of people who prefer to ‘hide’ behind their strengths in fear that if the don not, their weaknesses will be revealed. If you have weaknesses, it is okay, it means that you are a human.
When you catch yourself having egocentric thoughts, become present; do not judge or condemn the thought (if you do this it will argue back) and just become aware of it, it will soon dissipate. To paraphrase Tolle, “once you bring it into the light of consciousness, the ego is unable to ‘survive’.” You are not your thoughts. When you become aware of these habitual thought patterns, you begin to become more self-aware of your ego and more importantly, how you can weaken it.
One of my all time favorite quotes: it is called The Two Wolves.
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me” he said to the boy.
”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego”.
He continued, “the other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you –and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “the one you feed.”
Few Healthy Practices which will help you to curb your ego:
Ø Remember everything in this world is godly. Sri Krishna in the tenth chapter of Bhagwad Gita verse twenty and forty says that:
O Arjun I am seated in the heart of all living entities. I am the beginning, middle and end of all beings. (20)
O Arjun there is no limit to my transcendental majestic opulence, but all these accounts of such majestic opulence’s are mentioned by me only in brief.
So don’t give that much of importance to yourself.
Ø Acquire Knowledge. Albert Einstein quotes: More the knowledge lesser the ego, lesser the knowledge more the ego.
Ø Stop Making It All About You — Curb your desire to be seen as right all while proving others wrong. Your need for appreciation and credit is what’s keeping you from adding value and contributing to organizational goals. Staying focused on what’s next will make you emotionally inexpensive and lead to better results.
Ø Ditch Your Defensive Mindset — Going on the defense at work will never play out in your favor. Instead of rattling off the first thought that pops into your head, take a deep breath and go to a more neutral place with a response such as “wow” or “good to know”. It is from a more balanced, neutral mindset that the best decisions are made — especially among leadership. Greeting change or the unexpected with an open mind (rather than resistance) will put you in a better position to handle next steps.
Ø Curb Self-Righteous Actions and Judgment — It’s quite easy to sit back and pick apart someone else’s strategy or plan and determine ways in which it could potentially fail. Instead of judging the actions or decisions of others, offer your expertise and do what you can to help improve it and mitigate risk rather than making it worse. You may not have been consulted or had the opportunity to weigh in initially, but that’s no reason to withhold information or insight that could make the plan better. Giving your time and talent freely and without reserve or judgment will make you highly marketable and valuable to your organization.
In the end I would just leave you with what Amir Khans dialogue which he delivered as Sanjay Singhania in the movie Gajni and is my all time favorite: “Mein kar sakta hoon, yeh mera atamvishwas hai. Mein hi kar sakta ho yeh mera abhiman hai. Abhiman ghar per chod ke aayie aur atamvishwas ke saath aayei.”
