I am lost without you…and I hate you.

I am hurting. It hurts so much. It feels like every breath I take is a struggle. Every thought I have is of you and how I won’t ever talk to you again. I don’t know if you know…this isn’t temporary. I have had to go on multiple walks today in order to keep myself from trying to reach out to you and it’s only been hours. On one of the walks I finally found the area I had been searching for that we talked about yesterday and it made me cry so hard, because you will never know that. You will never be the one to show me where it is. I sat down in one of the chairs I had mentioned in the area I had talked about. I made a vow that I would start spending more time down there. At this point it is the only way I can be close to you without any interaction…it’s one of the last things I have of you. You gave up without a fight…which is the right thing to do…but also the most painful thing.

I don’t know if I will make it…all I keep thinking about is all the things I want to tell you…and now I have no one to tell. I am alone again. I want to walk over and pound on your window…I want to feel you look at me again. I want to make you feel what I feel…so you know how much it hurts…actually the word “hurt” can’t even cover it. There are moments where my chest feels like it will explode with the crushing sensation of being without you. I keep rereading what you wrote. I keep staring at the words…willing you to break the silence. As I walk around outside I will you to be doing the same…unable to concentrate either, lost without me…but alas, I don’t make that grade in your book. I am not enough. And the point is for there to be space…but every second is torture.

You know, I started making a list in my head before I even got back from lunch yesterday. A list of all the reasons I should detest you, be away from you, basically tell you to fuck off. I knew then…I knew another wave of rejection and heartbreak were coming. And even with all that preparation I still feel like I am dying. And just now Pandora played a beautiful rendition of Hallelujah…and the tears began anew.

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