I’m “That” Guy (Some Thoughts on Identity)

I’ve spent most of the past 8 years openly fighting with my identity. I looked at years of destructive behavior and desperately tried to convince myself and others, “That isn’t me!”

I’d point to my baptism and claim, “That’s where God defined me and nothing else matters!”

If that didn’t work I would point to the good things I did and seek to use those to balance the scales.

When that failed I offered an argument like, “Yes I did those things but I just forgot who I was.”

Of course, the whole time I’d continue to battle the same destructive behaviors … or at least new sprigs off the same destructive roots.

So, either all of the external evidence is false or I’m “that guy.”

And that’s what I’ve been coming to grips with. I am that guy.

The rageful, aggressive, manipulative, self-destructive addict … that’s me. I’m hateful and hurtful and selfish and violent.

All of those things are true, and to deny them is to deny a very real part of me. So any argument that claims that the least desirable parts of me are something less than part of my identity is absolute BS.

But that’s not the sum total of who I am. I’m also giving, generous, kind, thoughtful, and gracious. The intelligent, insightful, passionate, and compassionate guy you met … that’s me too.

You can’t deny the good any more than you deny the vile. Instead, they both have to dwell in some crazy paradox that is me.

But what’s true for me, is also true for you. For sure, some of you play more in the middle and less on the extremes, but your identity still includes a crazy paradox of contradictory traits. The same goes for those of you who are really good at tempering certain behaviors so you appear consistent. When the right moment comes, those other sides will show.

Truth is, I think it needs to show before grace can find a way in. We need to accept it all before love can truly resonate.

We aren’t beloved because the divine sees the things we do that aren’t really us and chooses to forgive them. We’re the beloved because the divine sees who we really are (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and loves us in that place.

You’re a paradoxical mess. I’m “that” guy. And we’re both the divine’s beloved.

There’s more in this line of thought, but I think I’ll leave it there for now … we’re both the divine’s beloved.