reLapse

Maybe I wouldn’t call it a relapse…but I did use.

A relapse would imply I did it because I needed it.
I just wanted to see if I got the same high or if I’d “beaten the addiction”.
I used and I was fine.
I got a small reminder of that euphoric feeling,
And a small reminder of the accompanying bite as well.
But something wasn’t there…

The dread.

Every other time I’d dreaded that my use would derail me.
Eventually it did.
A self-fulfilling prophecy that at the time I couldn’t evade.
I don’t think I used the wrong way…just at the wrong time perhaps.
Maybe if I had waited a little bit I would have been more prepared. 
We both would have.
I could have eased into it instead of diving headfirst.
I wanted that rush too badly though.
I felt I couldn’t afford to go without.

But this time was different then those before.
There was no goal to get high.
No feeling I sought in order to cover up another.
Just using to see if it still worked the same way.
And it didn’t….I was almost immune.
….

It’s a weird feeling knowing you’re getting “better”.
Why am I kind of upset about it?

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