Food in Cartoons
This is by no means an extensive list. If I had more time I’d include more cartoons and picture books. So here is an abbreviated list of foods I am disappointed in because of their representation in cartoons and picture books:
Honey (Winnie the Pooh) — The unrealistic portrayal of honey in Winnie the Pooh is directly related to the manner in which he consumes it. Pooh sticks his entire paw into honey piles, and what’s usually a sticky disaster is a pleasant yellow-y goopy goodness. All my experiences with honey have me hunched over the sink scrubbing my hands for the majority of the endeavor, the economy of time thrown completely out of whack by the stickiness of a thing that’s been perfected by Cheerios anyway. I guess you can put it in oatmeal? Too bad eating oat meal makes me feel like a horse.
Burgers (Spongebob Squarepants) — Fuck Krabby Patties. Burgers, by design, are the greatest food on the planet. But even then, Spongebob still managed to take that delectable, gulpable wonder and make it even better (it’s a remarkable show). You think that Krabby Patty vault didn’t haunt my dreams? When Squidward stacks all of them and unhinges his jaw and inhales that shit I am this close to just creaming my long-johns. What I am talking about is being six years old and trying to make a Krabby Patty based off some cash grab Spongebob recipe book and coming back with some kind of ass-burger even Ruby Tuesday’s wouldn’t claim. Fuck Krabby Patties.
Spaghetti (‘Strega Nona’) — A lot of y’all didn’t read ‘Strega Nona.’ It’s a children’s book series about a magical witch grandma who just wants to make pasta and her knucklehead quasi-adopted grandson Big Anthony who is always messing with his grandma’s dope shit. Where Big Anthony is an embarrassment to my heritage, Strega Nona is an honest to gosh Icon. Just a quick perusal on Wikipedia and you can see she’s just a badass witch with a magic pasta pot. And oh that magic pasta pot. As a kid, I watched as Big Anthony fucked with that magic pot and covered the whole countryside in lush spaghetti. It bounded and dived and squiggled in scrumptious waves. I hate spaghetti now because of that book. It made the spaghetti look like some kind of indefatigable force of magic delicious wheat goodness, when really its often overcooked, covered in accidental-sour-sauce courtesy of your favorite Olive Gardenian Eye-talian restaurant. Now it’s a mushy cooked-grain-shitpile smothered in stringy dry melted cheese punctuated by airpockets of nasty vague raw-piss flavoring. I hate it. I hate spaghetti. Fuck you. Further reading on how Big Anthony is just a giant fuck up cosigned to a dope witch, please check out…
“Big Anthony, His Story (1998): Tells of his life since childhood and how his family noticed that Big Anthony simply does not pay attention.”
Lollipop (‘Hungry Little Caterpillar’) — If I had to pick one from Eric Carle’s palate massacre, it’d be that damn lollipop. Check out how good this stuff looks:
Holy crap. God. DAMN! So good? So good. That lollipop does a similar thing that Pooh’s honey does where it misinforms the viewer on how sticky the thing is. It’s all pastel swirls and stenciled textures, it’s so pretty. And worse yet, the caterpillar even climbs on the lollipop — further contributing to the illusion that lollipops are NOT the worst candy not called black licorice. You only need to look at Ring Pops, the biggest offender of lollipop-esque sugary treats, to see what a nightmare it is to engage in the tacky, pinchy hell that is removing glazed factory sugar from your skin.
Drumsticks (various) — God is there anything as pure as the cartoon drumstick? Look at this:
And whenever a cartoon bites into it, it’s all just wonderful, flawless white meat right? Yeah, let me know if any drumstick has been CLOSE to that satisfying and I will kiss you on the lips in Morse code spelling out my pin, my SSN, and my Pottermore account password.
Jawbreakers (Ed Edd & Eddy) — Okay, here are the three main problems with Ed, Edd, & Eddy:
1. A completely unrealistic portrait of the economic realities of modern America, where a piece of candy costs from five to twenty-five cents.
2. That later season where the kids were in school instead of sticking with the charm and surreality of the endless cul-de-sac Summer setting.
3. The insinuation that Jawbreakers taste like anything other than barely sour chalk.
Do we even have to get into this? The sole end for those three yelping cul-de-sac dweebs was always Jawbreakers. Have you ever had a Jawbreaker? It’s absolute garbage. God I love this show, but I’ll never forgive the way it made me salivate over an absolute nothing of a candy. Its the mediocrity that stings so harshly.
Tripe (Rocket Power) — Oh you think I’d just FORGET when Twister had tripe at the country club?! You think I’d just forget how he gobbled that intestinal trash?! And just an action packed Rocket Power title card saying “Sheep’s Stomach??” was going to deter me from wanting to try it?! He enjoyed it! I hated the name Maurice because of the Steve Miller Band but I hated it more because this show actually let me believe sheep’s stomach could taste like anything other than exactly how you’d imagine.
Scooby Snacks (Scooby-Doo) — Ruh-roh I ate dog food once.