THE NPE EXPERIENCE IS TRAUMA WITH A CAPITAL T

The loss of identity that comes from discovering that you are not biologically related to your Father, and their family is very real. As is the validation that can often come too. So many of us had that "not fitting in" feeling but almost never knowing why. Finding out the truth can be the nail in the coffin that helps to make the pieces fit together, if you will. Those wisps of memories or whispers heard over the years, the way we didn’t look like our siblings, how we were treated, a lifetime of internalized information that now has an explanation. To some extent. The flip side to that is all the unanswered questions we now face.

No matter what way we look at it, our "old self" ceases to exist and for that, we need to grieve. It is deeply wounding like an ache, we feel it in the core of our being. New layers uncover more grief, and the smallest thing can set it off. Something as daily as looking in a mirror or being asked for your family medical history at an appointment with a new Doctor.

A positive that can come from this though, is that we get a rare opportunity to figure out who WE, as individuals, are. Our family history shaped much of who we are, right from birth. It is the basis of our identity, who we think we are relies heavily on where we came from. No one thinks about the impact of that, it is just a fact of life. When that gets ripped away, while incredibly painful, it can be an opportunity to redefine yourself.

For example, when the foundation of a house is weak, it will eventually cave in. The only way to fix it is to rebuild it from the ground up. Discovering that you don’t share biological ties with the family you were born in can feel like that.

To add to the analogy, we now need to work with new contractors (our bio families), that we have no relationship with to rebuild a new foundation. We are also still dealing with the old contractors (our family that raised us) to find out exactly why the foundation was weak from the beginning. To add insult to injury, MANY of the old and new contractors don’t even WANT, or CAN’T, help us rebuild. Where does that leave us? The house still needs to be rebuilt, much as our lives need to be rebuilt.

So, we start with others that have been through, or are in, the building process of their own foundations. The Consultants (Our support groups) give us the blueprints, walk us through the steps, give advice, celebrate with you when the building is going well and they show you compassion and understanding, when it is not. This helps build the framework of the new foundation, giving us the confidence to keep building.

Over time, this can lead to a new understanding of ourselves and others. By having our emotions validated, we gain a new understanding and trust in ourselves. Which can lead to incredible personal growth.

This experience for me has been both devastating and magical. It’s made me a better person because I really had to learn to trust myself. It was the catalyst for a huge healing journey and a path to helping others who are going through this same situation. I had to reinvent myself to stand in my truth with my head held high. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. I know myself better than I ever have before. The journey back to Me has been an ongoing process that has evolved as I learn and I suspect, will continue for some time.

For those that have had traumatic upbringings, some even express relief that they don’t share DNA with the family they sometimes felt like a stranger in. If their family system was full of addiction, narcissism or many other negative views that are passed down inter-generationally, they now know why they stuck out like a sore thumb. If contact is possible and relationships are formed with the newly discovered biological family, it is often the first time in our lives that we see ourselves in someone else. We may have similar looks, traits and even professions as members of our biological family. It is a light bulb moment into ourselves.

To those of you that understand this, I see you. You are not alone.

For those of you that are supporting a loved one through this, or involved in an NPE story yourself, perhaps this will give you some insight on how your person(s) may be feeling. It's ok to not understand what they are going though or how to help, it's almost impossible in fact. What they really need from you is kindness, compassion and loving, gentle support.

Phrases like:

- You’re still the same person.

-This doesn’t change who you are

-Your Dad is still your Dad.

-They had their reasons.

This devalues the emotions attached to those statements. It minimizes the traumatic storm of feelings that we are having on the inside, all while appearing to be completely numb on the outside unless we happen to be crying; which also happens a lot! Everyone that says these are trying their very best to help. I promise you, and I mean this in the kindness way possible, it doesn’t.

Instead, things like

-You must be overwhelmed with emotions

-Do you need me to listen or offer advice

-How can I support you?

-Can I make you some tea?(a little smile relief here)

• Would you like me to sit with you?

We do however, also thank you all for doing the best you can to support us through such a harrowing time in our lives through something that sounds like the plot of a dramatic movie, not real life! It’s difficult for our families and friends. Our loved ones, especially our spouses and children, are also grieving. To see us feeling so broken and struggling to function. Finding us staring off into space. They miss us, the Pre-NPE we used to be. When you don’t recognize yourself anymore, it’s difficult to try and play the part. It takes a lot of compassion and patience to get through to the elusive other side, acceptance, peace and often, advocacy.

This affects the entire family, not just the NPE. Families are being destroyed because of the lies and secrets of a newly uncovered past. The shame and guilt are astronomical on all fronts. People must stay secret to protect others and it is slowly killing their spirits. Some cannot live in their truth and others would rather it never happened. Please let this be validation for you as well.

Many of us also have had amazing experiences meeting new family and building relationships. It’s been a blessing for a lot too. Meeting people that "look like you" or who you share traits and mannerisms is fascinating! To be welcomed with open, loving arms can have a big impact on how we feel about ourselves and our new family.

However, if we face rejection, distrust, ghosting, or sometimes even threats of legal action when we reach out to our biological families, or in the family we came from, it is heartbreaking. We did not ask for this truth and did nothing wrong. The decisions of others created this situation that they now left us to figure out or keep it a secret. They place the mislaid blame on us for disrupting families, destroying marriages, shaming our Mothers. When in reality, we are innocent of all of that. We are just trying so hard to make sense of what happened to us. Sometimes we don’t even want to build relationships with our new families. Others might only want medical history which is important information that can save lives.

That being said, everyone affected by a DNA secret being unearthed is entitled to their feelings surrounding it. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is going to bring up many emotions that we don’t know how to process. If you decide you want no contact with this new person, no matter how much it hurts, that is your right too.

It is not, however, fair to place the blame on the biggest victim in most cases, the NPE themselves.

Perhaps though, you might consider letting the person down in a compassionate way, taking into consideration what I mentioned here. That would at least give the NPE some closure and much appreciated dignity as they carry the shame of their parents choices. So when the biofamilies block, accuse, deny any and all contact, they now feel like they don’t fit in with any family. It is re-traumatizing.

You could write a kind email or letter. Including any information that could be of comfort. A little family history, medical information, perhaps a few photos if possible. You could then let the person know that while you have compassion for their situation, you are unable to offer more at this time, or ever if that is the case.

If not a letter, perhaps a phone call. Letting them know ahead of time that this will be a one time thing. You could share the same type of information, perhaps answer a few questions or just chat. Again, closure for both or just maybe, you’ll realize that you do want to get to know them. Let me tell you, a lot of NPEs are really incredible human beings!

To those of you that understand, or strive to understand this, I see you too. You are not alone.

The increasing availability of at home DNA testing is shining light on just how many people are affected by this phenomenon. As more people wake up to their DNA matching results in their inboxes, the need for support and resources is ever growing. We can all do our part coming from a place of compassion, empathy and understanding. No more “dirty little secrets"!