A Letter to American Nazis
Dear American Nazis:
We all thought it over ─ the rest of us in the United States who aren’t Nazis, that is ─ and decided to give you what you want. We will leave you the country, and we’ll all go someplace else to live.
To be clear on who’s leaving, I’ll say it using your terminology: “Niggers, Jews, Chinks, Spics, Wops, Feminist Cunts, Libtards,” and anyone else that isn’t part of your supreme group ─ we’re all going. You win. When we saw how one of you sat in a 4000-ton vehicle that kept him safe while he plowed into pedestrians who had no chance at all against it ─ we thought, “Wow. That’s brave. We can’t beat these people.”
So, we’re out of here. But when we go, we take with us everything we gave to you, everything we gave to the United States, and everything we gave to the world. After all, down in Charlottesville, you said you didn’t want to be replaced by us. Fair enough. We’ll give you the opportunity to “make America great again,” on your own. That means we’ll take back our stuff, and leave you in peace to come up with better stuff by yourself.
Let’s start with the Blacks. You hate them the most of anyone, correct? So, they’re leaving, naturally. But here are just some the things you got from “niggers,” and this stuff comes along with them: gas masks, clothes dryers, ironing boards, light bulb filaments (without which Edison’s light bulb would have been too costly to make work), microphones, pacemakers, PlayStation, 3D movies, squeeze mops, mobile refrigerator trucks, automatic transmissions, lawn mowers, mailboxes, gas-heated furnaces, lawn sprinklers, the fireproof safe, the touch tone phone including caller ID and call waiting. It was one “nigger” scientist after another who came up with glaucoma treatments, contraceptives, the cure for leprosy, blood banks, bone marrow transplants, cataracts surgery, and NASA rocket launchers. It was a Black American who invented potato chips, too, so we get those, and yummy for us. You don’t even get to eat barbecue, because the original Nazis were, believe it or not, vegetarians. So all the manly meat you shoot and slap on the grill, you can’t have it, because it’s “nigger food,” and we get to keep it.
And these are only some of the things you use every day which were invented by the Blacks you hate. Some of it was invented while they were still slaves. They also created the Blues, Hip Hop, and Motown, so any of that ─ you can’t even tap your foot to it anymore. Because it’s theirs, not yours. As for American football and basketball, well, those were invented by whites, so we guess you can still play and watch. But we get most of the best players, don’t we?
Now let’s talk about the Black people we get to keep. You already know Will Smith is Black, so I guess you know he’s coming with us. And Neil deGrasse Tyson ─ we know you probably hate him more than any other with all his fancy, ‘uppity’ talk about science and logic and shit, but that’s okay, we like him, and we’ll get him out of your hair. However, here are some people you might not know are Black or have Black blood by looking at them, and we get to keep them and their progeny (that word means “children,” by the way): Slash, Jennifer Beals, Mariah Carey, The Rock, Vin Diesel, Wentworth Miller, Adriana Lima ─ (yes, that absolutely stunning Victoria’s Secret model has Black blood, so you’re going to have to stop fondling yourself to those underwear catalogs) ─ Gabriella Reece, Derek Jeter, Clark Gable, Jacqueline Kennedy, J. Edgar Hoover, Alexander Hamilton, Beethoven ─ all have Black blood.
Now, I’m sure you don’t mind losing the Kennedy clan or Beethoven, but the fact is, everything you love that you think belongs exclusively to you, has a Black hand in it. Guess what? Even Santa Claus is Black. Saint Nicholas is the saint upon whom the legend of Santa Claus is based. “He lived in what is now Turkey, which was at that time a hub for people of African descent. Ancient pictures of St. Nicholas depict him as a dark-skinned man with African features, in contrast to his modern whitewashing as the rosy-cheeked Santa Claus.” Now, when you lament, “How am I gonna tell my kids about gay marriage?” you also have to whine about telling them that Santa is really Black, and just like gays, he’s now forbidden to them.
So that’s the Blacks all packed up and ready to go. I’m not sure if it’s the Jews or the homos you hate second, but since your forerunners burned them in ovens and choked them in gas chambers, I think we should get the Jews ─ those “filthy Jews” as you have called them ─ packed up next.
So, apart from the obvious ones, here’s who’s leaving from that group: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Connelly, Alicia Silverstone, Debra Messing, Sara Paxton, Sarah Michelle Gellar, James Franco, Daniel Day Lewis, Jake Gyllenhaal, Harrison Ford, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Joaquin Phoenix, Chris Pine, Andrew Garfield, Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Daniel Radcliffe, Elizabeth Banks, Amanda Peet, James Caan, Gwyneth Paltrow, Seth Green, William Shatner, Hank Azaria, and Zak Efron, just to name some.
That’s right ─ we get Hans Solo, Harry Potter, and both Captain Kirks. We get all these lovely, lovely actresses, but you’ll have Ann Coulter to keep your dreams warm. We get all the best comic book characters ─ Superman, Spider-Man, created by Jerry Seigel and Stanley Martin Lieber (Stan Lee) respectively. Jerry and Stanley are both Jews. Many others superheroes in DC Comics and Marvel were created by Jews. So we get all those fun movies and comics, as well as Star Trek and Star Wars. Captain America? His creator is Jewish, too. And the Cap hates Nazis, doesn’t he?
Quote from the article, “Jews in Comic Books,” by Arie Kaplan, “Captain America’s Jewish creators Joe Simon and Jack Kirby pitted their star-spangled warrior against the Nazi agent, Red Skull. Captain America’s alter ego, Steve Rogers, takes a serum created by ‘Professor Reinstein,’ a nod to famed Jewish physicist, Albert Einstein. And Superman gave such a pounding to Nazi agents from 1941- 45 that, according to legend, Nazi Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels, jumped up in the midst of a Reichstag meeting and denounced the Man of Steel as a Jew.”
Well, screw the comics and movies, right? You can just use Google to find more that weren’t created by Jews. Oh, no, you can’t, because Google was created by Jews too. So was the polio vaccine, the vaccine against the deadly “Hepatitis B” virus, chemotherapy, the dialysis machine, the defibrillator, and the cardiac pacemaker.
We also get The Beastie Boys, and I was thrilled to hear we get to keep Bruno Mars two times over, because he’s both Black and Jewish. In my personal opinion, you could keep Kiss, but we get them because they’re Jewish too. How’s the music store and movie night looking in NaziLand now?
There so much more from this group you don’t get to keep, but I’m trying to keep this letter to a reasonable length, and focusing on the things that will sting the most, so I’ll go on to your next most hated group ─ the “faggots.” They are everywhere and have contributed to everything, but I’ll address the faggots in Christian gospel and country music first, because I’m sure it’s going to hit you hard in those silly Nazi nuts of yours to learn that there are some famous country singers who are not only gay, but some are singing Christian music, too: Melissa Etheridge, Chely Wright, (oh, my God, yes, she is gay, and it’s a killer isn’t it, that she’s so smokin’ hot?), kd Lang, Brandi Carlile, (whose songs have been recorded by country crossover artists Jimmy Buffett, Tim McGraw, Blake Shelton, Bill Chambers and Candi Staton), Jennifer Knapp, and Marsha Stevens, who wrote the youth-group church favorite, “For Those Tears I Died (Come to the Water).”
Leonardo DaVinci and Michelangelo were also gay. Not the mutated turtles, the artists. I’m sure you don’t care about art overly much, but they’re also Eye-talians ─ “wops” to you. The Italians are no longer fascists, haven’t been for a while. So, they come with us, which means while you might not care about the contributions the wops have made to the arts, you don’t get to eat pizza anymore. In fact, you can’t even go to Walmart and buy a can of SpaghettiOs.
So we get all the gay gospel and country singers, we get the song, “America the Beautiful,” too because it was written by a lesbian, Katharine Lee Bates. Yes, a “lezbo” wrote one of your favorite national songs. Look it up. Use Google. Oh, wait ─ you can’t. We get peanut butter, since George Washington Carver who was gay (and also Black) helped invent it. We get the bisexual Janis Joplin, (yay!), we get The Matrix movies, written by Lana Wachowski and her brother, Andy. But Lana later came out as transgender.
We don’t get Caitlyn Jenner. Because, fuck her.
Did I mention Walmart? I believe I did. Those shelves are looking pretty empty though, in NaziLand Walmart, because a huge portion of American farms are run by minorities you hate or are owned by minorities you hate: “Spics, Chinks, Gooks, Dot Heads, Ragheads,” Muslims, all work on or run America farms. That’s why your supermarket shelves are empty, except that you don’t have a supermarket, either, because Walmart is owned by Jews.
And of course, there are the feminists. As Steve Bannon once said, “Would you rather your daughter have cancer or feminism?” We rather she have feminism. I guess you would rather your daughters have cancer. But the “feminist cunts”, along with the “libtards” are the ones who run the ACLU, which is The American Civil Liberties Union.
They’re disgusting, aren’t they? The ACLU upholds the Constitution every goddamn time, and fights for everybody’s civil rights, including sleazebags like the Westboro Church and American Nazis. The ACLU fought for your right to gather and protest in Charlottesville. That’s right ─ you were able to gather because of the feminists and liberals of the ACLU, so that you could protest against feminists and liberals, as well as everyone else on this list. But there will be no ACLU or anything remotely like it in your new Nazi-only country. So, you won’t be able to protest anything, including the lack of food, comic books, rice, milk, vegetables, and barbecued pork. There will be no more scientific advances, either, since I hear you don’t like the left-wing schools and colleges, either, correct? There will, on the other hand, be plenty of Christian churches, and you’ll need them.
I left out the Greeks. Some Greek-Americans are Republicans, but for the most part they’re not Nazis. How do I know? It was the Greeks who were largely responsible for Hitler’s defeat. This is a historical fact that was acknowledged even by Winston Churchill. “Heroes fight like Greeks,” he said. Hitler had his troops land on Greek beaches with their helmets and fancy guns, but the Cretan shepherds, armed with only rifles and their big balls gave the Nazis the fight of their lives, held them off for two weeks, delaying their trek into Russia, where they hit winter, which killed off many of Hitler’s men. It was the Nazis who invented assault rifles, naturally, but obviously we don’t need them. We beat you once without them, so you can keep them with you in NaziLand, the new “Great America” and kill each other with them.
Then, we’ll come back, and start over without you.
Originally published at femalefire.org on August 15, 2017.