Undecided Voters Found, Lost in Supermarket
In a shocking revelation this morning, large groups of undecided voters were discovered milling about the parking lots of Super Walmart locations scattered throughout the country. The mythical, often derided constituency, totaling as much as 15% of current registered voters, or a little over 21 million people, was found to be made up mostly of old men who had been lost within the confines of the store for the past ten months. The careful, calculating group of reasonable humans had apparently been asked by their daughters to go “pick something up real quick,” for Thanksgiving dinner before getting confused by the Labyrinthine twists and turns of the grocery chain conglomerate.
“Why do they make these places so damned big? There’s too many products!” exclaimed one tired, dreary-eyed grandfather, who had been sent to the store to retrieve a forgotten can of cranberry sauce before getting lost in the housewares section, giving up on ever seeing natural light again, and falling asleep on a futon. “When I was young, there was less of everything and you were grateful for what you got!” When pressed on the upcoming presidential election, the jowly relic continued, “Hilary is very qualified, but those emails,” He frowned a disapproving frown and shook his head. “Trump might not have the temperament for the job, but I like that his tells it like it is. I’ll make a decision in the booth.”
As the crowd of cranky, lost undecided voters thickened, another bespectacled man found his way out the entrance of the store. Squinting at the bag of potatoes he has just purchased, he sighed deeply, throwing his arms up in defeat. “What’s organic even mean?! If GMO’s were really bad they wouldn’t be in everything!” he cried before turning back into the store in search of the organic potatoes his daughter asked for because her children can’t eat “any of that processed nonsense that is killing the planet,” presumably never to be heard from again.
“He’s right you know,” one senior wearing a fishing hat mused, “My kids grew up eating whatever we served them before buzzwords like “organic” and “free range” were even a twinkle in a marketing executive’s eye and they turned out just fine!” When asked on his thoughts about the 2016 election, the stubborn problem at every holiday gathering answered, “I think both options have their strengths and flaws. I’m still mulling it over. It’s my right to choose, stop pestering me.”
Currently, a calculated, government effort has begun to return the lost, little, old men to their homes. James Comey, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations offered up reassuring words to those grieving the disappearance of their loved ones, “This is a major breakthrough in the largest ongoing missing persons case in the history of American politics. If you haven’t heard from your grandfather or elderly relative in the past ten months, call your local police precinct with their information. Do not give up hope.”
With Election Day racing towards the American public like a drunk driver towards a crosswalk of children, have any undecided voters been swayed by recent scandals or the debate performances? “I’ll make my choice once I hear ALL the positions on the issues. I can make my own decisions and that’s that,” stated one feeble, near-dead leftover from a bygone era, clutching a bag of sugar defiantly. “Now can you help me find my car? I thought I parked it in aisle B, row 3, or maybe it was aisle 3, row B? Which one of those is it?”