A Resolution for Love in 2024
“True connection in love transcends words; it lies in understanding the unspoken whispers of the heart.”
This revelation is my key takeaway as 2023 draws close and I prepare for 2024. This year, I experienced the painful end of a beautiful (or so I thought) eight-year relationship. The ending occurred at the beginning of the year, and I’ve had about ten months to reflect and see what changes I need to make in my own life when I decide to search for love again. I’m ready to do that in 2024, and writing my resolution here helps me put the past behind me and state my intentions for the future.
We fell madly in love in 2014. Over time, divergent views on politics, religion, immigration, and the identity of my non-binary daughter deepened a chasm in our relationship that I did not see. The staunch support of Trump and his platform within my partner’s family widened our values gap. The most important thing I’ve learned isn’t about values, however. It’s that genuine understanding in relationships goes beyond active listening; it involves intuitively sensing unexpressed emotions and unspoken interactions and developing strategies to love despite widely divergent world views and values.
I learned that even in love, there may be irreconcilable differences, possibly more so for one person than another. I want to learn to identify and decipher these differences. They can first appear as silent messages that linger in unspoken spaces. Indeed, the deepest, most injurious value differences may never be spoken of aloud or openly addressed by either partner. To be a better partner in the future, I want to learn to notice what is unsaid as much as what is said, to recognize patterns in the unspoken aspects of a relationship, such as a decrease in the frequency of time together, or the quality of it; to take notice when invitations to spend time from my partners’ friends and family seem to stop coming as regularly — or, if they stop altogether. Overall, I want to learn to listen, be a better contributor to the relationship to address unsaid things and be attentive to subtle (but poisonous) changes in nonverbal communication with my partner, her family, and friends.
In retrospect, the unspoken words and the change in interactions between my partner and her family and friends had shifted immensely. I did not notice it.
Looking to the future, I want to be a better partner by becoming a better communicator in every respect. Despite the problems arising from falling in love with someone who has different values, I do not want my next partner to be someone who mirrors my always-changing, frequently confused political, economic, or social views. Instead, I want an independent woman with her values and beliefs, wherever they may land on the political spectrum. Still, I need to understand how certain kinds of value differences reach a point where the relationship may be unsustainable because of them.
In reflections this year, I’ve come to understand the fragile fabric of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, especially the ephemeral bonds they forge. Unlike the legal and emotional complexities of a marriage, where terms like co-parenting and shared responsibilities are often negotiated, a breakup in a dating relationship leaves no such frameworks. It was a jarring experience when my ex-girlfriend chose to sever all ties abruptly — a complete cutoff from communication, a block on social media, and even her friends unfriended me on Facebook. At this stage of my life, in my 50s, such a turn of events was unforeseen, leaving me grappling with a profound sense of loss and an unexpected void. It’s just social media, and her friends are, well, her friends, but what is the point of coordinating this kind of blacklisting?
It’s not just my world that’s been upended; my 16-year-old, too, has felt the sting of this sudden departure. She was a stepmother-like presence by my child, and my kid used to refer to her as her stepmother. The sudden absence of her familiar presence in my daughter’s life has been deeply felt. As I navigate through this chapter, I am moving from my sense of loss to the impact it’s had on my child. This won’t be a problem in future relationships because my kids are grown. Today I hope to mend this bridge for my child’s sake — a reconnection with someone they once looked up to. It’s a tentative wish, a longing for closure and continuity in the intricate tapestry of our lives. Whatever the reason is, my ex-girlfriend wanted to cut off contact with me, so there is no reason to do so for my kid. I hope this can change.
In 2024, I will embark on a journey to be a better, more connected dad. And I’m ready to find love again. Slowly. Carefully. With lots of listening. ❤️