Gender Therapy Visit:
Had a visit with my Gender Therapist today. I have been seeing him for almost a year now. I really don’t know where I’d be without him. I was seeing him for a little over a month before I started on estrogen. Oh, I do remember that first shot of estradiol valerate, 0.5 mg right in my thigh muscle. I’ve given thousands of shots as an RN. I must say that this was the best shot I’ve given in my whole career. It was the day I quit smoking after 44 years of slowly dying. I started taking care of myself that day. That first shot was like the electric shock given to a person whose heart has stopped beating. I was suddenly brought back to life. Oh, how I wanted to live. Patsy was born that day, April 28th, 2016. Fifty-Seven years of not knowing who I was. Fifty-Seven years of self-destructive behavior. Fifty-Seven years of punishing myself for feelings I did not understand. I cried that day. One would think they were tears of regret or painful memories. They were absolute tears of joy. I couldn’t explain my feelings that day. The whole experience was surreal. But, I sure did feel them. In all my life, I never felt such joy. I was alive!
Well, back in front of my Therapist. He is a Transgender female to male. He is incredibly handsome and tall. He has lived through his own experience and like many who have suffered from Gender Identity Issues he has survived and dedicated his life to helping Transgender people like myself. He is an LCSW and well qualified. I’m sitting in this chair in his office having one of my bad days. He knows me well. He knows what is inside of me. Still the part that for some reason does not like being me, he knows that part all too well. I have fought this demon my entire life.
In the midst of my crying, which is most times cathartic for me, He says, “it is so incredibly amazing how far you have come in just one year.” “Well, I don’t feel like it.” was my reply. “Oh, it is truly amazing.” was his reply to me. He reported to me how hateful and angry I was when he met me. He was right too. I was so right wing in my thinking. I was judgmental, even of Transgender people. I was a very sad person with a troubled life. He told me how happy I’ve become, how I no longer just think about myself and how I have reached out and embraced my new community. Even my affect has changed.
I realized today that he is right. I have changed almost one hundred eighty degrees. My life is turning around. Let’s just say that Patsy is learning to live. Patsy is a beautiful woman. Actually, more like a 57-year-old girl in my gender maturity. I am learning to not speak in the third person because Patsy is me. She is my I am. However, to not contradict myself third person is appropriate for now as still at times I am on the outside looking in at Patsy. More often and progressing quite well, it’s Patsy on the inside looking out into this beautiful world of self-discovery. Yes, I must admit, I love being Patsy. I finally feel like me.