4+ years of depression

my name is Patti, im an 18 year old girl who is confused about who she really is and doesnt know anything that she wants. Ive always helped people but never myself, its the same as its always been. Its always Patti helping people and Patti never worrying about herself. In fact I’m so used to me only being concerned about the wellbeing of other people that whenever someone asks if im ok I kinda panic in a way. But thats not the point, im writing this because I wanna talk to you, yes you, about depression. Im assuming your reading this because ive either made you read it or you wanted to read it or im somehow famous and have published this and someone whose suffering from depression has picked this up and decided to read it. Whatever the reason, thank you for taking the time to read my crappy writing, it means a lot. Hell I never thought anyone would read ANY of my writing because of how personal it always was so I guess this is something new for the both of us. So, hello. My name is Skyler…. (im just kidding) my name isnt really skyler, thats just some pathetic name I thought of in my middle school years when I was in my “FUCK THE WORLD” rebel stage. But in all seriousness, my name IS Patti, and something tells me were gonna become good friends by the end of this (or you might find me the most annoying person in the world, I dont know you so I dont know). I dont consider myself your typical 18 year old girl to be honest, I think of myself more as a young adult who is severly confused about her life and things alike. Since we’re on the topic of “life”, I figure I should tell you what this whole thing is and why im even writing this. This is my life and im going to be telling you how it felt having depression for over 4 years. Im writing this because I have nothing better to do with my life and a very good friend of mine suggested this to me so here I am, writing about depression. So before we begin, i’d like to take the time to thank my friend and tell you a little about her considering she’ll be a part of all this. Her name is Ashley Marie Wolf, shes a tiny blonde girl who has enough sass to cover to world 100 times in a toasty blanket of warmth and opinions. To me she’s my baby sister, my other half and my best friend. She’s been there for me through pretty much everything and vice versa. I don’t want to spoil anything good so that’s the basic’s about her for now. You’ll hear more about her later on trust me, she plays a big part in all of this. I honestly should do a little thing where I tell you a few things about everyone who i’ll be mentioning in this but that would take too much time and if I did decide to do that then that may as well be my story or whatever it is that im writing. So I wont. Unless you want me to. But even then. Im not gonna. Tough shit I know but thats life my friend. So, shall we begin?

Chapter 1: 2010

2010 is the year before all of this happened, this is my “last good year”. In 2010 I was in 7th grade (if I remember correctly) so I was 13, I was a typical teenager who thought they were tough shit when in reality they weren’t. I had acne like no tomorrow, no style what so ever, and thought it was cool to call people retards (not to my past self: if I EVER knew you back then I would personally slap the shit outta you). So anyway, middle school was a bad time for me. I hated the people there and the principles were annoyingly strict, I remember we had specific tables we had to sit at during lunch and I was one of those kids who tried to sit with their friends but was always caught (nice 13 year old me your a dumbass). I mean I wasn’t the only one, there were a lot of people who tried to do that but of course there were always teachers going to each table and checking to see if there misfits there. So, 7th grade, not much happened apart from school being a pain in my ass and my other best friend and I CONSTANTLY getting into stupid little fights which ALWAYS resulted in her going to the councler and wanting me to go in so we could talk about it. I honestly probably spent over a month in there if you added up all the times we were in there. It was patheticly amusing in a way, it was always the same too. We fought, she went crying to our councler, the councler called me down, we talked and all was well, then a week later itd happen again sometimes itd be twice in one week. I guess you could say we were just annoying teenagers who complained about a fight over something as stupid as ignoring each other or some dumb shit like that. So yes, all of middle school was spent in a counclers office complaining about the dumbest shit ever… oh well. It was either that or in detention for not doing homework….. I was a bad kid dammit. I mean everyone had to be bad at one point but I was annoying and bad, and those two do not go together what so ever. 7th grade was also the time of “i dont give a fuck, im 13 im practicaly and adult now” even though I was stupid and didnt know shit. A pesky 13 year old who was annoying and thought it was cool to be a douche behind the teachers back just to get the class going. Or I was ALWAYS laughing, god damn I laughed so fucking much. Im that kid that laughs and then can’t stop laughing for like 10 minutes after (ask my friends and parents, they’ll agree). Honestly you know your annoying when you think your annoying, thats bad (yes I thought I was annoying at times). Honestly now that I think about my past self, I wanna puke up my dinner. I was disgusting as a teenager. I was always trying to be cool and would attempt the “cool walk”, thought I was tough shit when in reality I looked like I had a rolling pin shoved up my ass and I was trying to play it off like I was perfectly fine (A+ there dipshit). This was also the time where guys started to sag their pants a little and thought they looked like the bomd when they just looked dumb. 7th grade ws also the time of Patti despising everyone around her because she thought they were all pretty or attractive. Yes im talking about the birth of “Patti’s insecurity”, this is the time when I turned to baggy pants and 2 size to big shirts. This is also the time where I started growing up, so I started growing boobs and was getting bigger in my legs and stomach. Before this started I wore things like jeans that fit and shirts that fit, not anymore, now I wear cloths that would fit my oldest brother. This is the time were I started to hate how I looked and wanted to be skinny and pretty. I was jelous of everyone else because they were so much better looking than I was, I hated myself because of it. I wanted to wear make up and bleach my hair so I could look like everyone else, it was my dream to be like everyone else. Hell, I hated everyone else because I thought they looked so much better than me.

Chapter 2: 2011

ok, so 2011 is the year everything depression wise started, its the year the BIG THING happened that caused me to become so depressed. Before we get into that I wanna tell you about my beautiful grandmother. My grandmother was the first person I ever opend up to about how I felt, she was the first person I cried in fronte of, shes the first person I ever told my true feelings too. I remember the first time actually, I was in florida visiting my aunt, uncle, cousin and grandma. My aunt, uncle and cousin were at work (cousin was at a daycare) so it was just me and my grandma.