Should I Remember?

I was never good at lying; I wish I could remember what they were talking about, but I didn’t. Even though my brothers could tell I was lying when I said I remembered, I couldn’t admit it out loud. I couldn’t say I didn’t remember my whole childhood.

Looking at my life now, I am grateful I now understand why I went through all of it. The good and the bad. However I didn’t understand this 2 years ago when we were talking about our childhood memories. “Everything happens for a reason”… This quote has become in a way my calming words. By saying this quote I get to comprehend a little more about the tough times I’ve been through and the ones that lay ahead of me.

However by going through those times I lost the beauty of a childhood, never the less I never lost my way, in a broad sense.

I believe that’s why now I don’t remember much about my childhood, I blocked several memories, the good and the bad ones. I think in a way I thought it would be for the best. Turns out years later when I do want and try to remember I can’t. It’s like they hide every time I want to find them. The more a look for them the less I remember but when I need them, they appear.

We were having a normal family sunday. All the kids, in grandmas backyard cuddled the golden retrievers with their giggles. Turns out I fell in the pool, I was too little to now how to swim, so I was drowning. My uncle had to get me out… I didn’t remember, it was one of the memories I had blocked out, but how could I say I didn’t remember that moment, everyone did so I felt I should too, that’s why I lied when they asked me about that memory.

I don’t know if it was for the best that I didn’t recall it or if recalling it would have made me stronger or better. Its a doubt I will always have.

At the end life goes on and I go with it, with the memories or without them. Everything happens for a reason, I hope someday I remember all my childhood, the bad, the good even the little “meaningless” moments.

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