Some Helpful Advice
It has come to my attention that there is a high level of concern over In-Person Voter Fraud. It has been suggested that patriotic citizens should take action and go to the polling locations and be on the look out for any individual that looks like they may be about to commit voter fraud.
I commend these citizens for their commitment to the democratic process! These brave souls are risking life and limb to insure that the voting process is not tainted by malicious ne’er do wells!
I wish these brave citizens the very best in their efforts to keep suspicious looking people away from the polls! To help in their efforts, I’ve compiled a helpful list of threats that may keep them from succeeding in their efforts.
Be very careful while sleeping during the night before the election, as you are 56 times more likely to suffocate in bed than to witness voter fraud. Keep a firm grip on that soap while taking a bath as you are 40 times more likely to slip and kill your self than witnessing voter fraud. You are also 177 times more likely to be killed by tripping down the stairs to breakfast.
While eating breakfast, be sure to chew carefully as you are 91 times more likely to choke on food. Be careful as you walk out to your car as you are twice as likely to be killed by your neighbor’s dog and 6 times more likely to be killed in a bee attack.
Oh, it’s probably a good thing you took the day off from work for this, as you’re 112 times more likely to have a work related fatal accident than to witness voter fraud.
Actually, maybe you should walk to the polling place. You have a 680 times greater chance of dying in a car accident than seeing voter fraud. But than you’d have to watch out for being killed by lightening (3 times more likely than voter fraud!) And once you get to the polling place, you better locate the nearest tornado shelter (533 times more likely to be killed by a tornado than to witness voter fraud.)
One last thing, I hope you remembered to bring your shark repellant as you are about 3 times more likely to be attacked by sharks than to witness voter fraud.
So, once again I commend these brave citizens as they are more likely to die than they are to actually witnessing voter fraud!