Rihanna’s Unfaithful used to upset you because you could not fathom how women could be so cruel towards someone they claim to love. But now, you have found solace in the lyrics of the song. Unlike her, you were not unfaithful, you were indecisive.
It’s been a few days since you ghosted a lady who was madly in love with you. And by few days, you mean it’s been 3 months since you stopped returning her calls and messages. Now, it seems she has moved on and you are having mixed feelings.
Happy, because you feel she deserves to be with someone who genuinely loves her and is certain about his future with her. Relieved, because you were tired of being the captain of a ship that has refused to sail, the youngins call it situationship these days. Sad, because you actually miss her.
You miss the unsolicited images, snaps, and memes that she shared with only you. Even though they evoked your smile and made you blush, most times you gave one-word comments to convey your nonchalance and you were often surprised that she could not perceive your disinterest.
You miss the burning desire engraved in her stare whenever you both got to hangout. You can’t deny that she is a beautiful woman blessed with a curvy body that stirs lust inside of you everytime you catch a glimpse of her stature from afar. Even though you wanted to be her paparazzi and post the images with the lovey-dovey caption “my view”, you would rather keep your association with her a secret.
You miss the aroma of her meals, her culinary prowess almost made you introduce her to your mom one of those days she sent you jollof rice after you told her you had not eaten all day and you were too lazy to get something to eat. You lied. Mumsy was around, she made you breakfast but refused to allow you to partake in the dinner because she was mad at you.
You miss the countless times she told you she loved you. Even though you cringed inside and would almost tell her she was loved at home, the vulnerability she displayed in communicating her commitment to loving you was heartwarming. But you never got around to telling her you loved her too, because you were not sure of what you felt for her.
You liked her, but not enough to want to be with her. You just wanted to flirt and tease her interest until you overcome your demons and ask her out or you succumb to your demons and relegate her to the friend zone or the sacred sister zone. Unfortunately, you were too good a flirt and she fell hopelessly for you.
She was everything you ideally should want in a woman, but somehow managed to not still be your ideal woman. Sigh, what exactly do men want?
You take a cursory glance at your watch and realize how much time has passed since you began scrolling through her page for the millionth time since you both stopped talking. You were officially her online stalker.
Tired and embarrassed, you exit her page and reach for the tumbler and the bottle of Jameson on the table near you. You snort as you pour yourself a drink and tell yourself, “My mama no born Ogbanje, why am I acting like one? I didn’t want her, it’s time to let her go.”
