Answers to My Extended Family’s Burning Questions About “How Comedy is Going”
Hello, extended family members and their significant others that I’ll refer to only as “that one guy…Jared, I think it was???” for the next 5 years!
It’s the holiday season, which means 2 things — that terrifying animatronic snowman comes out of hiding (burn. it.), and constantly asking me “so, how’s comedy going?!” in a way that one might ask a kindergartner is they’re studying hard. (If you have to ask, you know the answer to both of these questions already.)
To save us both from a conversation so awkward that we’d both need need 3 cups of Aunt Beth’s “Wine Surprise” to recover from (the surprise is more wine), I’ve compiled a list of answers to all the questions you could possibly have below.
- NO, I can’t “tell you a joke.” It doesn’t work that way. That’d be like asking you to “do me some data finance money.” (I guess the real story here is that I don’t actually know what you do for a living.) I can, however, do a 30 minute solo improv set, if you give me a suggestion of anything at all, a Bentwood chair, and your complete undivided attention. Now get ready to watch me make “woosh-ing” sounds with my mouth while pretending to hold a shovel! (I spent $5000 to learn this.)
- YES, I do make money doing comedy! I mean, not enough to pay my rent. (And here’s the part where I’ll make some joke about the high rent prices in Chicago, which are actually fairly reasonable for a major city, but it’ll give us all something to talk about for awhile. Imagine! Paying more than $500 a month to live somewhere that doesn’t even have a garage.) Also, I wouldn’t call what I make “money” per se, it’s more like “drink tickets that I’m too shy to actually cash in so I just panic and give them my credit card to pay for a Miller High Life that I only ordered to have something to do with my hands” But still! Pretty cool!
- No, I’m actually not going to get a lot of “material” from this extended family dinner. This is always, for some reason, the first place people’s minds go — “Uh-oh, I bet you’re gonna do a whole skit about us later!” But no, Uncle Stan. I’m not going to get a whole lot of laughs from a tight 10-minute set about you silently reading the local newspaper while muttering about potential new tax levy coming up for 2020. You don’t have to worry about that.
- Yes, you actually are going to see me soon on SNL! Not, like, on stage or actually related to the show. But — cross your fingers! — I AM auditioning for the role of “wife” in a local plumbing ad that will run in late night spots. I mean, if you personally know Lorne though, please feel free to let him know to give me a call if he’s looking for someone who does a pretty ok Katherine Heigl impression (“Grey’s Anatomy” years only).
I hope these answers provide the insights you were looking for so we can spend the holidays focusing on what really matters — the upcoming Kohl’s After Christmas sale. Happy holidays!