They say that, in times of extreme duress, human beings are capable of incredible things. Mothers can lift entire 2-ton cars off of their children. People can bravely run into burning buildings to save their friends. And me? I can sit through the entire 1 hour 49 minute monstrosity that is the feature film ‘Cats.’

After finding out that I’ve seen it — that I’ve actually went up to a human being and paid real, human money for a ticket to this film, that I looked a human being in the eye and said “one ticket for Cats please!,” …

Four years ago, I was supposed to host a New Year’s Eve party. The problem was, I was also just getting over a case of pneumonia (don’t worry, the doctor at the Urgent Care inside the ShopKo near my parent’s house told me I wasn’t contagious anymore, and also told me that I was eligible for 20% off of all ladies shoes, so win/win). …

Hello, extended family members and their significant others that I’ll refer to only as “that one guy…Jared, I think it was???” for the next 5 years!

It’s the holiday season, which means 2 things — that terrifying animatronic snowman comes out of hiding (burn. it.), and constantly asking me “so, how’s comedy going?!” in a way that one might ask a kindergartner is they’re studying hard. (If you have to ask, you know the answer to both of these questions already.)

To save us both from a conversation so awkward that we’d both need need 3 cups of Aunt Beth’s…

First off, let me just say — it’s a dream come true to even be considered to join your heist team, as you steal the World’s Largest Diamond from the impenetrable safe of the Big Money Casino. While I’ll be the first to admit that I may not have any of the skills traditionally useful to a heist — like knowing how to hack into the mainframe or brute strength or a sick leather jacket to wear during it — I think I can still bring a lot to the table.

Here are a few roles that I’m totally qualified…

Let me tell you exactly how the movie “Last Christmas” came to be. (This is based on actual true events, as I assume they happened.)

After George Michael died on Christmas Day, 2016, producers reached out to Emma Thompson for some reason to write a Christmas movie based on the hit “Last Christmas.”

“Which one is that?” she probably asked.

“It goes, ‘Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but-,” the producer sang back.

“Got my plot.”

“Oh, no, wait, Emma, you can take some time and think-”

“I. :) have. :) my. :) plot. :)”

To say that there’s…

A lot of buzz is flying around the internet this week about the Caroline Calloway/Natalie Beach drama, and I just want to also take this time to insert myself into the narrative by saying — I also had a shitty friend once, which is very brave and honest and vulnerable of me.

I mean, my crappy friend wasn’t an influencer with hundreds of thousands of followers. She was more like a Olive Garden server who had a lot of stories about that night she tried Four Loko which, admittedly, there is an audience for, but a limited one. And she…

Joe Biden: Joey sees himself as the president of the club ever since his bestie Barack moved away, even though sometimes Joey’s talking gets him into big trouble! Today he was perched in his favorite chair at the head of the room, in a totally cool outfit only Joey could pull off — a dark navy suit, with shiny brown shoes and a rad blue tie with tiny dots on it. He paired it off with his signature hairstyle — thinning gray.