25 Ways to Thwart Stephen Curry
1. Purchase Curry’s off-season training center — Accelerate Basketball. Turn it into a nursing home.
2. Give him terrible analytical data. Turns out, long two’s are best.
3. Have Chicago Bulls fan, President Barack Obama, select Curry to a new cabinet position. Czar of Basketball. Let bureaucracy guard him for a few years.
4. Inform Curry terrorists have kidnapped Olympic teammates in Rio. Train a vengeful Curry to become an assassin and hunt down those responsible. Have him watch Munich.
5. Hack-a-Steph all game long. He’ll retire from boredom. We’ll retire from boredom. The basketball will retire from boredom.
6. While performing his pre-game dribbling drills, bring in the Harlem Globetrotters to show him up. Soon a competitive Curry will spend his time perfecting spinning the ball on his finger, rolling the ball on his arms, and throwing buckets of confetti into the crowd.
7. Take Curry to one of those hypnotist comedy shows and get him to participate. Hypnotize him to think basketballs are really severed heads.
8. Make the water they pour on their heads after the game, freezing cold. Pray for pneumonia.
9. When he shoots — Jalen Rose’em.
10. Tell him SportVU player tracking cameras are everywhere — even in the showers. Reprimand him for not washing, rinsing, and repeating fast enough.
11. Have security card him when entering the arena. Tell him he needs to be accompanied by parent or guardian.
12. Have Jim Brown suggest an early retirement and then a movie career. Have Jim Brown show him his steamy movies with Raquel Welch. If that doesn’t work, we can still talk to Jim Brown about Raquel Welch.
13. Introduce his wife to a Kardashian. For best results — choose Khloe.
14. Cast his wife on Basketball Wives. Make sure he’s around when they’re having a group lunch. Odds are he’ll get hit with a glass of champagne — temporarily blinding him.
15. Have Kevin Garnett tell him his wife tastes like Bran Flakes.
16. Have Curry train in MMA during the off-season. Then teach his daughter Riley the name, “Derek Fisher.” Hire Derek Fisher as new equipment manager.
17. Create an unbelievably cool, pregame handshake that incorporates slamming his shooting hand on the floor several times. Maybe throw in a back flip.
18. Like George Costanza, become the Warriors assistant to the traveling secretary — and on the plane — sit Curry in the middle seat between Marreese Speights and Andrew Bogut.
19. It’s time for atheist groups to pick a celebrity target, and start protesting Curry. Complain about him pointing to his heart and then to God after every made shot — suggest pointing to his heart and then shrugging his shoulders.
20. Clone Kawhi Leonard with enhancements. Give him longer arms, bigger hands, and more lateral quickness. Pray the clone doesn’t turn evil.
21. Hack into Klay Thomson’s Twitter account and start a feud. Tweet he could beat Dell Curry in a three-point shooting contest, blind folded, while wearing dish washing gloves.
22. Have reports from the Clippers organization claiming Curry has a ball boy overinflate basketballs. When Adam Silver requests an investigation…smash Curry’s smart phone, his wife’s smart phone, and his daughter’s Sesame Street phone. Welcome to Over-Inflategate.
Get your hands on a DeLorean and go back in time….
24. Become the high school basketball coach and, like Jordan, cut 9th grade Curry from making the team. Repeat until he graduates.
25. Become a Duke Basketball recruiter and pass on Stephen but later recruit his younger, less-talented brother Seth. Oh wait.
26. Become a guidance counselor at Charlotte Christian School. Advise teenage Curry, chicks dig golfers.
People I would love to read this…
The Ringer, Bill Simmons, Sean Fennessey, Chris Ryan, Mallory Rubin, Juliet Litman, Craig Gaines, Bryan Curtis, Ben Glicksman, Molly McHugh, Ryan O'Hanlon, Rubie Edmondson, Jason Gallagher, Danny Chau, Sam Schube, Riley McAtee, Jack McCluskey, Megan Schuster, Tate Frazier, Caitlin Blosser, Katie Baker, Michael Baumann, Alyssa Bereznak, Matt Borcas, Justin Charity, Kevin Clark, K. Austin Collins, Jason Concepcion, Allison P. Davis, Sam Donsky, Rob Harvilla, Alison Herman, Kate Knibbs, Victor Luckerson, Robert Mays, Claire McNear, Jonathan Tjarks, Lindsay Zoladz, Chris Almeida, Carl Brooks Jr., Gabriel Fisher, Zach Kram,
