“I Think I Might Be The Anonymous Source For All Those Trump Articles,” by Donald Trump
This isn’t my fault. I can’t golf anymore. I can’t go to the rallies or work on my shows. I’m supposed to be running things, but Steve and Jared don’t tell me when they have meetings with the generals or that Russian guy who does stuff in Europe for us. I’m a people person, okay? But I’m stuck here, either in my room, or in the White House common area, where none of the board games have all their pieces, and even the Secret Service say they won’t play Monopoly anymore, because of something they accused me of with the Free Parking rules.
Anyway… I’m bored, and I have no one to talk to. So if a guy calls me up on my phone, I’m going to chat with him. It’s what people do, right?
Like the other day someone from Verizon — some cute Midwestern-sounding gal — wanted me to go over my cable plan to see if I could save money. She was really friendly! And then there was this guy down in Florida who had an interesting offer about something called a “reverse mortgage.” Basically, you can use the equity on your house to get money for living expenses. I have a lot of properties, but I run into cashflow problems from time to time — it’s complicated. Anyway, I didn’t commit to it, but I gave him some information so he could send me a package.
Also the other day a nice guy from the New York Times called, asking me if I was happy about my work situation. I’m not usually a fan of that paper — I mostly get my news from Morning Joe — but it was good to talk to him. Finally someone cared what I had to say, and he wasn’t judgmental or yelling angry stuff about the Constitution or nuclear war. We chatted for some time. I got a lot off my chest about the transition, about how hard the meetings were, and how Steve and I have been having problems. It’s like he just wanted to really understand me, you know? When the article came out people got pretty stressed over it. But the guy kept his promise and didn’t quote me. It felt kind of cool to be keeping a secret! It reminded me of some stuff I did back in the 80's.
Anyway after that I told myself I’d better be more careful. And I’ve been pretty good, except for a couple of times someone called from Politico and we talked a bit. I forget the details, but it couldn’t have been that important.
Look I know you shouldn’t give out information like your credit card numbers, or your address. Jared and I went over that. I’m not stupid. All I’ve been saying is the kind of stuff about how things work in the West Wing right now. None of these people I talk to ever sound surprised either. So what harm can it do?
TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds — and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
Originally published at paulbibeau.blogspot.com on February 28, 2017.