Ha ha! I don’t believe you. I must be a reverse “victim blamer.”
Svetlana Voreskova
4

I don’t know for sure if http://lana-voreskova.blogspot.ie is, in fact, your blog because it is linked to a separate google plus account from the one you regularly update. However, the photograph displayed on this blog is the same one as on your regular google plus account. If it was a fake account, you’d have a good case to make to blogspot to have it removed.

I first read your blogspot blog about a month ago. Upon first reading it, my first reaction was one of amusement. You disapprove of masturbation. Actually, I am still amused about that to this day. Apparently, you mean you disapprove of masturbation in the context of your relationship with your boyfriend/husband which had lasted 8 years up to the point you wrote your blog post.

Since then, I have read it a number of times. Whilst there is some good advice in it, I have to say that there are a couple of things you write that have crystallized in my mind that trouble me. Well, actually, there are more than two things that trouble me but, for the sake of brevity, I’ll keep it to two.

Before I get to that, I don’t believe there is such a thing as a female led relationship, or a male led relationship for that matter. Historically, there never were male led relationships. Historically, men and women performed separate roles, even in matrimony. There was no overlap. What has happened over the past 60 years or so, is that this separation of roles has broken down and now there is some overlap. To my mind, relationships can be divided into functional relationships, non functional relationships (back in the old days there was a much large number of them than nowadays), and dysfunctional/violent/abusive relationships.

The first thing that troubles me is a piece of dodgy advice that you give to men. You write, “Defer to her in arguments even when you know she is wrong”. Well, hell no! I’m not going to defer to her in arguments when I know she is wrong, if I were in a relationship. No way! If she’s wrong, I’ll tell her she’s wrong. By extension, I’ll confront her not just about her faulty arguments but, if it comes to it, about her problematic behaviour too.

Your advice is not just bad, it’s dangerous.

According to the Partner Abuse State of Knowledge Project, the world’s largest domestic violence research data base, comprised of 2,657 pages, with summaries of 1700 peer-reviewed studies,

http://www.domesticviolenceresearch.org

there are more female perpetrators of domestic violence than male perpetrators. It was found that overall, 25.3% of individuals have perpetrated intimate partner violence. Rates of female-perpetrated violence were higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%).

In terms of direction of domestic violence, it was found that among large population samples, 57.9% of IPV reported was bi-directional, 42% unidirectional; 13.8% of the unidirectional violence was male to female (MFPV), 28.3% was female to male (FMPV).

So, there was over twice as much female to male unidirectional domestic violence than male to female unidirectional domestic violence. The reason for this, in my opinion, lies in early childhood. Mothers have historically been the primary caregivers of young children. That makes them historically the primary abusers of young children in the minority of cases where there is abuse.

When a mother abuses a boy, it’s different in its effect to when a mother abuses a girl. When a mother abuses a girl, the girl internalizes the mother’s bad behaviour. The mother is the same-sex role model. The daughter will likely grow up to be an abuser herself unless she can somehow come to some sort of epiphany in the interim. When a mother abuses a boy, the boy, by contrast, retreats from the mother. He doesn’t internalize the mother’s behaviour. He rejects the mother and her values, unlike the daughter.

He internalizes shame and assumes responsibility for her mother’s poor conduct, even though he’s not responsible for it. More often than not, he carries this shame into adulthood. I know men, even in the men’s rights movement, who are basically programmed manginas. It’s very powerful programming. It probably has lifelong effects. Studies demonstrate that the personality template of a child is already basically formed by the age of 4 or 5. And if a mother is screwing up a child’s mind before then, that’ll probably last a lifetime.

So, when you advise men to defer to his significant other in arguments what you’re, in effect, advising him to do is to continue in his deference to women, no matter what. Remember, more than twice as much unidirectional domestic violence is female perpetrated. You’re advising him, in effect, to continue to be that battered or abused, shamed child and continue to keep his head down.

The second thing that troubles me is more implied than clearly stated but it’s pretty obvious. You are advocating a double standard. On the one hand, you state if your significant other asked you not to have sex with other men, you, in your infinite generosity, would consider it but, for him, he has to ask you for permission even to masturbate. Hence, as I wrote in my previous message, you keep your boyfriend’s dick in a jar. That’s not an insult. That’s a statement of fact. If word got out in your local community about the nature of your relationship with your boyfriend, people in the local pub would be saying, “Oh, you know, Lana, she keeps her boyfriend’s dick in her jar. Har har har”. It’s pub-talk but it’s true.

I suppose an argument can be made that a man who masturbates won’t have sexual energy left to give to his woman if he’s in a relationship so it’s probably a good idea to curtail masturbation. But, surely, that also applies the other way around. But, you don’t want to submit to that rule. That’s a rule just for your boyfriend/husband.

In conclusion, I don’t have any equality fetish. I just believe that in a relationship where there is mutual respect, both partners should be subject to the same mutually agreed rules and that if one partner argues badly, or behaves badly, then the other partner shouldn’t just grin and bear it. He should confront her and if she continues in her poor behaviour, show her the door or get out the door.

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