Clarity.

I stopped drinking in May 2015. Then had one last hurrah surrounding the 4th of July weekend. I could explain how horrific that little hurrah became, but I think the picture above conveys enough. I haven’t consumed a drop of alcohol since. In comparison to people who chose sobriety years ago, I pale. But I have come to believe the initial time away from alcohol might be the most formative thus I find the past six months of my life invaluable.

What caused me to stop drinking? A host of things. Things that sat below the surface of my being, festered in my mind for years and were left orphaned. “Orphaned” actually makes them sound benign — as if their consumption of my energy was rather neutral. No. My rationale was riddled with freeloading neglected entities of thought each with their own unique abyss. Cataracts of the mind. Antithetically existing and depleting that one thing we all seek, undervalue and usually fail to notice the dimming of its light — clarity. I was the ball in a pinball machine bouncing from one area to the next, considering living a win so long as I always had that next something to bounce me back. Desperately avoiding regression to the dark hole signaling game over. In reality, my life was anything but tenable and I was ever inching toward that darkness.

I did things and said things to others that were not of me, but rather a product of my diminished brain capacity and self-accosted muddled logic. I did this for nearly eight years. In my early 20’s people used to posit that the drunk words and actions of others were better representations of their true self. Their self sans reticence. No. If there is one thing I have confirmed in my life, it’s that following the things most people say is the reason most people are unhappy. The world is highly mutable. You should be too. The only school of thought you will find happiness subscribing to is that of acceptance for what is at every moment of your life. Reality. Otherwise, your natural being will be one of despondency. Even if you think you’re happy.

Walking away from alcohol was not an act of bravery. It was not some heroic effort — even if I did save myself from myself. It was not admirable or something I took pride in. It was not a dramatic stand or the condemning of others who partake. What it was, was about fucking time. Time to finally exercise things within me, blessings that I was neglecting to put forth. It was a business decision. And one that has thankfully enjoyed the accompaniment of self-salvation. It was the recognition of years of negative earnings both figuratively and literally and the decision to right the ship. I decided to stop drinking because I acknowledged and accepted my reality. For once.

Using alcohol or anything else in life as a safe harbor is logically ridiculous. And by anything else, I mean ANYTHING outside of yourself. Anything. There is not one thing animate or inanimate that you will take with you when you die. So, learn to die before you die. Strip your life of what you think matters and then allow it back objectively and you will find you value it far more than you ever did when you relied on it for survival.

My choice to stop drinking served only as a catalyst for beginning to truly understand the world. No longer do I deem it an innately terrible place. We have made it one, sure. But only because we cling to our perceived needs and march forth shackled to them and chasing after them, stopping at little to hold onto this world. This includes alcohol. This includes drugs. This includes beauty. This includes relationships. This includes tradition, nationalism and religion. Everything. The majority of those breathing today have been grandfathered into their situations — their traditions, religions and points of view. Never for a second do we stop to postulate why we feel such allegiances or wonder why we believe we are born with any entitlement. Nothing is promised. Everything is supplemental that is outside of yourself. Learn to see the world that way and your life will be full of a richness you never thought possible.

I am not an alcoholic. I love things of this world. I love humans of this world. I am religious. I am not patriotic, but I do tear up when I see a soldier put his life on the line to save another. My point is, I have feeling, faith and necessity but by losing all of them (starting with alcohol) I was able to put them into perspective and refine my life.