The Deal of the Century

Originally published July 4, 2015

Hey you. Yes, you! Are you tired of all of the fake diet fads and miracle elixirs being pushed by hacky hucksters and pseudo psychiatrists. No? Good. Cause I sure have a once-in-a-lifetime offer for you!

Baby tears! That’s right, 100% Grade A Baby Tears, produced and packaged right here in the U.S of A. You love America, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?

Are you skeptical? Well then you’re an idiot. Do you think Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin? Wrong! It was a sad toddler in Hoboken, New Jersey. Do you want to know why Rob Lowe still looks like he’s 25 years old? He fills his humidifier with the tears of small children. Remember the Miracle on Ice? Wrong again! It was actually the Miracle on Frozen Baby Tears.

Convinced? Of course you are. But you’re skeptical. Why? Because you’re worried about the price. I thought I told you to stop being stupid.

I am sitting on a near unlimited supply of fresh baby tears — clear gold. I have three prime producers living right in my house. They are trained to fly off the handle at a moments notice and, if the potty-training process has taught me anything, they are all VERY well hydrated.

Not convinced? Here are some of the simple methods that have proven successful for tear extraction.

  • I skinned my knee
  • My brother is looking at me
  • I don’t want to eat my vegetables
  • I don’t want to eat my noodles
  • I don’t want to eat my hot dog
  • I’m hungry
  • My brother isn’t looking at me
  • I can’t find Mr. Potato Head’s mustache
  • I didn’t want YOU to find Mr. Potato Head’s mustache
  • My sister spit up on my hand
  • The dog ate my vegetables and noodles and hot dog
  • You won’t let me fall down the stairs
  • It’s a Tuesday

But what about the price, you say? Only $9.99 for a 20 oz bottle! Need more? Never fear, I’ll just have them skip their nap and we’ll all be drowning in baby tears by 6 p.m.

Get your baby tears now! Don’t act fast, supplies are definitely not limited.

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