there’s too much information, in my head, swirling, whirling away. on the internet, in my corpuscles, floating around the universe, in my neighbor’s head, in the atmosphere. i’m having infowhelm. is that a word? i have a propensity to make up words. it’s my own tiny form of rebellion. which is why i don’t capitalize anything. and no, i’m not trying to ride on e.e. cummings coattails. or is he, a she? i’ve noticed if an author uses initials, instead of a name, it’s to go under cover- a gender secret thing. as a matter of fact, i need to report i’ve never read e.e. cummings, tho i’m familiar with his (?) similar propensity for lower case ness. do you think this is incredibly childish, my grammar rebellion? you are correct. absolutely. undeniably. as a young child i was struck on the hand repeatedly, by sister martin, the arthritic nun sent to torment me endlessly, to change my ways, my psyche, and my handwriting style.
i was telling frank yesterday- our inner 2 year old had it down! no. yes. i want this. i don’t want that. i don’t want to go to bed. i hate you, grammy, brother. they didn’t have to learn feelings. we had them. they’ve just been beaten out of us, and now we are so very lost, trying to find them again. they were there, but through school and rules and etiquette- or just plain bullsh*t- like the two ends of the ham story-which is my favorite story ever, ask me if you want to hear it… anyway, we were taught to not feel. to never speak our truth- whoever came up with that idea was just plain rude. to not love our body and feel good, but be reprimanded for it. everything that was true and honest and real, we were basically told to stop. now there are seminars teaching people, “how to have boundaries.” dude! no was the first word we understood and it was wiped out of us. sigh.
my mother was an english teacher, so i was constantly corrected for my poor use of grammar. who wrote those rules anyway? dang. i don’t like grammar, or etiquette or capital letters. i was once advised though, by an attorney, if i used all caps in an email to someone, it would look VERY AGGRESSIVE. (see)? p.s. does anyone know where the question mark goes? is it inside the parenthesis or outside? please advise.
i’m exhausted from all of it. i’m even afraid of telling god the truth. is that blasphemy as well, not capitalizing the g? you see, i am totally screwed up. i question everything. it’s gotten me into lots of trouble. i ask people- why do they do what they do? it’s shocking. i wonder why they stay in relationships they are clearly miserable in. it’s always the same answer. for the kids. but deep down i know they’re lying- to themselves. it’s the worst thing in the world for kids- that unspoken lie- that mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy or daddy and daddy, you get the idea- are happy, or in love, or in a partnership. when they’re not. they’re faking it. because they’re afraid to really feel how they feel. they don’t like this person they live with, but they’re afraid because their entire life — since the age of 2- they’ve been told no is a bad word. now, when they feel that enough, or have had enough, the no is silent, buried, evil. they have to be a good girl or boy. they have to do what they’re taught.
darlings, the joke is, what if what we we were taught, the stuff our parents were taught, was wrong? or even the tiniest bit off center?