Part Two of a series. Read the introduction here.
Beyond the idea of a “personal trainer for the mind,” James developed ‘Spiritual Boot Camp’ as an adjunct to his work as the figurehead of The NoHo Arts Center.
NoHo Arts was connected to the national organization Centers For Spiritual Living (CSL), but had degrees of independence. CSL are generally rooted in the teachings of Ernest Holmes and his book, The Science of Mind.
‘Spiritual Boot Camp’ at NoHo Arts was not part of any official coursework if one wanted to become a licensed practitioner or minister of Science of Mind (SOM), but could be considered a decent primer to SOM philosophy (Note: Science of Mind is not the same as Scientology).
James had published his own book, which would be used as a syllabus for boot camp. The night before the first session, I read the preface and first chapter. I was palpably tense by the time I finished reading.
Boot Camp was referred to as “honest, rigorous, self-study.” I thought about all the years I’d been in therapy and the self-help books I’d read. “Oh, you mean, there is even more I have to uncover? I have to go even deeper than I already have?” Oh boy.
It was as if an invisible wall appeared and enveloped me. I was all too familiar with this feeling:
Fear.
In this case, fear I would not be capable of doing what James was asking.
It was like a 600-pound anvil was sitting on my chest. As much as I wanted to break through this invisible wall of fear, the pressure of “pushing against it” felt so enormous I thought I’d spontaneously combust trying.
That turned my fear into anger. Usually I’d only get angry if someone was irritating or pushing me. Here, I was the one who had to “push”, and the “push” felt exhausting, which just got me mad at myself.
Negative thoughts rolled. I tried to brush them off (“I was just tired,” “ I had a bad day,” etc.), but the more I made excuses for the anger, the more items came to mind.
Such as, earlier that day, flipping off a driver that incessently honked at me, wanting me to make a turn I had no room to make. I could have ignored him. I didn’t need to be aggressive and flip him off. Why did I do that?
Or, the fact that I’d been cold and detached with co-workers. Why am I behaving that way?
Both these items tied to the idea that I was angry at Los Angeles, too! Kinda huge to be angry at a whole city as if it’s “its own entity” with a consciousness and actually had some investment in me and anything I was doing.
I’d taken a risk when I moved to L.A. in 2004. Things were supposed to get better because I’d finally taken the big leap! A happy life, great job in entertainment, fantastic friends and a boyfriend were supposed to be mine!
But they weren't.
Instead, I’d outgrown most of my friends and was having trouble making new ones. I had an entertainment related job, but, it was not on the artistic side of entertainment; it was clerical and “paper-pushy.” The concentration it took to do the job was exhausting. I loathed it.
The job was easily the number one contribution to barely having a social or dating life. I’d become an island unto myself; alone more often than not. How has this happened?
The rolling thoughts led me to seethe even more. I now thought I’d made a mistake committing to this “boot camp.”
The build-up to doing it, and the idea of writing this series felt exciting, but now I have to deliver. All I felt was, “You’ve over-promised. You’re a fraud. You’ll never be able to pull this off.”
That thought took me out of anger and into sadness.
For five months, I’d been participating in New Thought/Science of Mind Sunday services where the weekly affirmation spoken by the entire congregation included this line: “How I choose to think creates my personal experience.”
I asked myself if I really believed this, or, if I had just been giving lip service on Sundays. After all, in this moment I was choosing tension, pressure, anger and sadness. Why would I choose those if there was an alternative?
Could I choose not to be angry and sad right now? Could I just snap my fingers and feel differently? Can it really be that simple?
It didn’t feel simple. So, instead of looking at the emotions I felt, I looked at the consequences of quitting.
Quitting would mean embarrassing myself to a point I’d have to separate from this new community I was enjoying, and then come up with an explanation as to why I didn’t continue the series I’d just announced on HuffPost.
The choice was undeniable. I had to see this through, and fully dedicate myself for the next 16 weeks. The tension, sadness and anger I felt didn’t go away, but I chose.
I had to “push.”
A pre-requisite for Boot Camp was sending James a brief biography and a “word” that would serve as an intention, goal, or something hoped to be gained.
At the first Boot Camp session, which people could attend online or in person if they lived in Southern California, James focused on introducing some of the 150 plus participants around the world by reading their bios and sharing their chosen words.
People’s stories sounded remarkably close to my own; tears came to my eyes many times. Many wrote about being at a crossroads, feeling out of touch with life and having difficulty with anxiety and depression. Others said they’d manifested great things, but were currently feeling stagnated.
I related with or understood the pain, and knew I’d made the right decision to recommit.
All boot campers are seekers looking to get to another level, with a shared need to embody the word each invividual chose as their “north star.”
Some of the words chosen included:
Trust
Focus
Peace
Clear
Manifest
Joy, and
Love
A few Boot Campers even created their own words using conjunctions; fun stuff you’d never see in a dictionary.
I had an impossible time finalizing my word. So many came to me; all were appropriate, but none of them seemed to sum up what I wanted.
I considered recent events that had some effect on me. Was there a theme? A throughline? If there was, I wrote down the word. In musing, I flashed to something that happened a few weeks prior, during an acting class taught by actress-writer Dee Wallace.
After one of the exercises, Dee said, “Paul, you know how to play this scene, but I see you stepping out of yourself to think about what it looks like to an audience. You’re not feeling it. Your heart is not connected with your head.”
A chill went down my spine when Dee said that. She’d hit on a truth I’d never been able to put into words, one that felt like an across-the-board metaphor for my life. I know and think things, but I’m not sure I feel them.
The memory led to “my word.” I snapped my fingers with a sense of “got it!” I wrote it down and studied it closely. It worked on many levels and felt unquestionably correct.
The “rule” was not to tell anyone outside of Boot Camp about the word until the 16 weeks were up. After the process was over, we could reveal it (which I do in the final entry of this series).
As James began to delve into the entirety of the weeks of work ahead, he stressed how important it would be for all of us to let go of any and all preconceived notions of ourselves.
James referred to this as “b.s.”, which on one hand could mean “belief system”, or on the other, could mean “bullshit.” It amused me both could apply, especially if the context of “b.s.” is something that isn’t particularly helpful.
I viewed “b.s.” (in either definition) as similar to what Eckhart Tolle referred to in A New Earth as “me and my sad story.” Everyone has a “story” they use to explain behaviors, or, why they do certain things. “X happened to me; that is why I’m like this.”
It’s just a story. The story may be something that actually happened, but it doesn’t define you in totality. It is not the truth, or essence, of who you are. “The story” can be emotional baggage you’re unnecessarily lugging around everywhere you go.
The questions to ask, are, does the story serve you? What are you getting out of the story? What if it’s past time to let go of the story you think defines you, and move forward with new ideas? Why stay stuck if the story isn’t helpful anymore?
Beyond to be mindful of our “b.s.”, as the first boot camp session came to a close, James gave additional directives for the week ahead.
One directive was to think about our word at various times during the day, and pay attention to anything that occurred where the word might “tie in.”
As early as 12 hours after this first session, I was stunned to notice how often the word I’d chosen could apply to a situation. I assumed it might take a few days, or a week, before noticing anything, but the horse charged right out of the gate.
Throughout the week, my word was never far from my mind and colored every experience I had, whether I was dealing with Los Angeles drivers or taking note of my attitude at work.
Another directive was to journal immediately after waking up, every morning, for the full 16 weeks.
Years ago, I tried something similar using Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, but my discipline faded fast. The “journaling first thing in the morning” idea made me nervous. I’m not an easy riser in the morning. I generally wait until the last possible second to get out of bed and start my day.
However, for those seven days, I pushed myself out of bed right after my alarm went off instead of hitting the snooze button for an hour. Once out of bed, I headed to my dining room table to handwrite a journal page.
I think this shift occurred for two reasons.
The first is James, and others, were going to hold me accountable for the work. I didn’t want to let anyone down or go deeper into the story of “over-promising.” I took this boot camp seriously and I felt everyone participating was as well. That helped maintain self-discipline, and it was nice to know we were all supporting each other.
The second was more important: I decided. I chose. I knew it was not going to work if I was not resolute. As Goethe said, “At the moment of commitment, the entire universe conspires to assist you.”
I committed and would continue to attempt to push through that invisible wall.
After all, I’d given James and fellow boot campers my word.
_________
Addendum April 2022.
Despite the fact that people can look up the original publication to see what my word was, I will still save the “reveal” for the final entry. Twelve years later, the word remains a significantly powerful, primary theme of my life, as does Dee’s observation, “your heart is not connected with your head.”
Forward to Week 2: No Complaining
Notes:
Spiritual Boot Camp began January 18, 2010.
This essay was initially published January 27, 2010 on The Huffington Post.
This April 2022 version has been heavily edited and revised with expanded ideas and added context.
