Putin Admits Campaign Meddling!
In a totally surprising and unexpected turn of events, President Voldemort Putin revealed a deep and troubling attempt to influence the American election in 2016. At their meeting during the G20 conference, in response to a rambling and off-base question posed by President Donald Duck Trump, Putin blurted out the unthinkable.
Trump “My dear Vold, do you think that the border wall, in response to a very, very good result, which should hold water and deflate the bigly bad fake news organizations and undertake some other really, really strong things?”
Putin “OK — I did it. I can’t stand it anymore”
Trump “Vold, we shake hands now?”
Putin “It was us. We put you into the White House. Every poll was masterminded by my guerrilla forces to make it look like lying Hillary was in the lead. We conducted 7,851,814 fake conspiracy theory rants targeted at the weak-minded voters you have. We leaked the Clinton emails to Wikileaks — it is a good thing that Wikileaks doesn’t have a security team to verify the data they get — they assume it must be the truth if someone leaked it to them — it was so easy to manufacture those emails — but the criminals at Wikileaks believe in the high moral code of the criminal and never even questioned us.”
Trump “Excuse me — Rex — please cover your ears — thanks”
Putin “We contacted your campaign team and perverted them into the Hand of the Russians. We hid the pee pee tape we took of you Donald and the laundered money. It is so fortunate that Obama did nothing with the damning evidence he had, in order to protect the sanctity of the election. We appointed all the electors to the electoral college, just in case the real vote went wrong. Just as we engineered Melania to be your wife, in case you get any ideas. You people are so stupid.”
Trump “But Vold, what will I tweet about this?”
Putin “Tell them you think there may have been hackers who attempted to influence the election, but it could be China, Russia, North Korea, 400 lb teenagers in their mother’s basement. Just don’t mention the 17 intelligence agencies.”
Trump “OK Vold” and signaled Rex to listen in.
Trump “where do we go from here Vold?”
Putin “I heard they just opened a KFC around the corner”
Trump “That settles it”