My Dark Passenger

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Most of the friends, might know me as a happy jovial guy who enjoys his life but that is just a facade to hide from a dark truth.

“I have been depressed”

For the most part of my life, I have been contemplating on ways to how to put the above truth to the world. Most of my school days, I have been a silent boy who never spoke much, shied away from everyone except a chosen few. I was close with my friends so I had a normal childhood but everything changed when I was doing my Bachelor’s degree.

As every college guy would do (Well not all most would love to do and few succeed and few have no interest at all), I fell in love.It was a single sided affair which caused a lot of emotional strain. The emotional strain had been accumulating over 3 years. One day, It just reached it’s pinnacle and started manifesting in the form of Panic attacks. The Dark Passenger inside me had taken it’s complete form. I was taken to hospital once and the Doctor who checked on me advised me to visit a Psychiatrist. I told the doctor that I can control my depression and stormed out of the hospital.

I was determined to defeat my Dark Passenger. I knew that alone, I could achieve nothing but I was never alone I had a very good set of comrades along every step of the way, helping me battle every obstacle I face with ease. Making me feel worthy again in this world.

Whenever I felt depressed, I used to go for long walks. Once I kept walking for so long that I was standing in a place I never knew existed with no money. Even on that distasteful day, I had my friends help me back home.

For couple of years, I was in complete control of my depression. I had immersed myself in enough work to keep myself occupied. It was at this phase I started loosing my School friends (still losing them). I started going on Treks which made me feel safer as I didn’t have to deal with people. Walking always made me calm.

Then the Startup I used to work for got acquired by another Startup. My life was in for a total overhaul. Everything changed again. My Treks started to dry up. My free time increased. There was a sudden need to fill that Void in my life. I started getting close to a few friends in the new office. I was trying hard enough to fill the void. That was one of the reasons why I started to write. Writing helped me connect with people and friends who I had thought I had lost. I was normal again. Work and new friends.

Tragedy stuck again. One of my friends betrayed my trust. I was shattered. This time I was not even prepared to share my problems with anyone. I had become a silent guy to every person I had been close to. No one knew what happened in my life. All they knew was, I was happy and living my life. I couldn’t write either. I was losing the will to write.

The turmoil inside me, had awaken My Dark Passenger which had laid there dormant for years and this time with vengeance. Panic attacks had started surfacing again. I was losing my balance. The only thing that was keeping me intact was Work and even in that I was not able to concentrate. Every work I do was getting out of schedule. By this time, the close friends I had had almost become acquaintance as I had immersed myself in Work and I never tried to make contact with them. I was unable to open up to anyone as I was scared, if might get hurt again.

Realisation kicked in. My Dark Passenger is never going to go away. It has become a inseparable part of me. All my life, I have been running away from it and all I could do was just play hide and seek with it. But now I accept it as the other side of me. The only thing I can do is fill the void and be stronger than the Dark Passenger ever will be.

I had always tried to the fill the void left by someone with another I didn’t know but I had the answer right in front of me. My Family. They were there whenever I was down. They held my hand even though I was not talking much with them as I was talking to my friends. This time I’m not going to start a fight for myself alone and I’m never going to lose to it again.

Change is the essence of life; be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become — Reinhold Niebuhr

I have known a few people who had been fighting with the same monster as me. We can mutually help each other in a war against Depression. I hope this article might help them overcoming the hardship and coming out victorious.

This post is to get my friends back into my life who I had lost trying to fight the monster inside me. I want my happy self back again.