There are so many reasons to be excited for the 2017–18 NBA season, but the main one is that the Portland Trail Blazers are going to win the championship. The Blazers, also known as AMERICA’S TEAM, have it all. You probably already agree with me at this point but on the off chance that you don’t (are you on drugs???) let us take a moment to explore why you should support the 2017–18 world champion Portland Trail Blazers.
Damian Lillard is Going to Win MVP
A lot of people think Kawhi Leonard is going to win MVP, but he knows that would send LaMarcus Aldridge into a jealousy-induced shame spiral that would ultimately hurt the Spurs. Players on super friend adult AAU teams like Golden State, OKC, and Houston will all cancel each other out. Old Man LeBron will rest for the playoffs. So that just leaves two possibilities for MVP: Damian Lillard or CJ McCollum. And I’m giving the edge to Dame.
CJ McCollum is a Yo-Yo Artist Disguised as an NBA Player
The other day I saw a drunk man playing with a yo-yo on a rush hour Muni train. As the train stopped and and sped, passengers grabbed whatever or whoever they could to keep from falling. And yet he persisted yo-yoing, unfazed and unbothered. That’s how you feel watching CJ McCollum. No matter what’s going on around him, the man is there for three things and three things only:
- Throwing defenders off balance
- Getting buckets
- Looking at the other team’s bench
Jusuf Nurkic Will End You
Jusuf Nurkic is a very large man who knows that he is a very large man. These days every seven footer in the NBA is a gentle giant that dabbles in photography and teaches themself JavaScript in the offseason. Not this guy. I say, good! If you are blessed with a frame that can take down three Christmas hams, don’t waste it asking nicely for extra julienned carrots in your Sushirrito. Every morning Jusuf Nurkic empties an entire carton of eggs into his mouth, shells and all, and just swallows it for maximum protein. That’s called the Nurkic omelette, motherfucker.
Al-Farouq Aminu is No Mere Man
June 30th, 2015. The time was 9:25 pm and the location was the line to get into Helium Comedy Club. It was at that very moment, at that very place, that everyone looked at their phones and all together yelled, “WE SIGNED AL-FAROUQ AMINU???” How little did we know that this man was no mere man, but a Chief. Over the past two years, the Chief has become the water for our soil, the lime for our Tecate, and the lamination for our bus pass. Need some clutch defense? Chief is there. A catapulted three-pointer that hits the bottom of the jumbotron before dropping through? Chief is there. Versatile, sophisticated, real…and spectacular! Al-Farouq Aminu is the future of the NBA, as well as the future of men.
The Blazers’ Supporting Cast is the Best of All Time
Every great team has that guy that steps up in the big moments, and Portland has like eight of those guys. Mo Harkless will shut down James Harden. Shabazz Napier will check in only to Shammgod Russell Westbrook and then immediately check out. Caleb Swanigan will knock Draymond Green down and then help him up but OOPS!!! he’s actually pulling his hand back and running it through his hair. Meyers Leonard, our sweet Meyers, will finally explore local medicinal remedies to ease his anxiety and win Sixth Man of the Year. No team in the history of basketball, or any sport, comes close the Blazers’ supporting cast. Actually I take that back — the 1970 Brazilian World Cup team is a close second.
The NBA is Full of Dorks
The NBA is a league of dorks. If you play Call of Duty, you’re a dork. If you have a foot fetish, you’re a sex nerd. If you create a fake Twitter account to defend yourself online, you’re the corniest person imaginable. It’s a bunch of dorks out here. Don’t root for dorks. Root for the Blazers, AMERICA’S TEAM, who are going to win the championship.
