I must admit that I have been going through some Holiday Heartbreak of late. As wise and mature as I thought myself, when that old love from many years ago came back into my life I jumped right back into young adult insanity.
We talked and texted and he flew across the country to see me. Not once but twice.
All the old triggers were there. The piercing eyes, the steadfast chin, the slightly crooked smile. The mysterious way he looked at me but gave no clue as to what he was thinking.
The handsome face. The genius wit. The tall, muscular frame now even more upright in its military stance.
I could not resist, and indeed I did not. I brushed my lips against his face and reveled in every second I saw him. My eyes lusted for the visage. My heart pulsed every time I touched him.
“You know what they say about long-distance relationships.” “Yeah,” he said. “They don’t last.”
And as the magical golden desert summer slipped into fall, he retreated back to his Eastern homestead and I was lost. I could not survive the distance. I could not manifest his presence. I could not bind the pieces of my heart or stop my tears from falling.
He was intractable. Always so polite and kind. But yet he would not come near, and I could not invade his sacred space.
And so we came to November. I went out of town. Then came December. We were with our families, and we were apart.
I almost didn’t make it. I struggled to smile through Christmas. I closed my eyes on the plane ride home and tears rolled down my face.
But thanks to the resilience of generations of strong Black women, I had conspired to give myself a route of escape. I had concocted my emergency exit in advance. My good runnin' buddy had tickets to fly in for her birthday on New Year’s Eve. Thank goodness I live in Las Vegas! Thank goodness for Lizzo live on the Strip. We had tickets. I played her music. In her millennial wisdom, she said “If he don’t love you anymore, walk your fine ass out the door”.
Thank you Lizzo. My ass IS fine. I sent him a loving farewell text and I will be singing with Lizzo about the “goddess in me” on New Year’s Eve.
