The Definitive Ranking of Commercially Available “Venom” Masks
It is October of 2018. Amidst all of the anxiety and confusion we must face on a daily basis, there are two simple things we know to be true:
1) There now exists a film called Venom, based on the Spider-Man character of the same name whose height of popularity was reached 23 years ago.
2) Halloween is just around the corner.
Of course, it is only logical to combine these two truths into one life-sustaining megatruth.
I am referring, of course, to the idea of dressing up as Venom for Halloween.
It seems simple, right? All you need to do is pop in to your local Halloween superstore and say to the kind salesperson: “Hello there, would you please assist me in my quest to procure an authentic and commercially available mask based on the Spider-Man character Venom, whose height of popularly was reached 23 years go?” But, when you arrive at the Venom section of the store, you are bombarded with ELEVEN different options! Where does one begin? How does one choose?
Making a life-altering choice such as which Venom mask to buy may seem easy, elementary, or quotidien to a power-Halloweener. But what about the ‘weeners (short for “Haloweeners”) out there who are not gifted with such insight?
Well, my friends, this guide is for you! This list, ranking all commercially available Venom masks from worst to least-worst, will tell you everything you need to know. The answers to all of life’s questions await.
These things barely count as Venom masks. They are socks for your head that happen to have Venom-like drawings on them. I mean, look at this thing:
Is it Venom, or is it that demon guy that the band Disturbed uses as a mascot?
Side note: To find this image of the Disturbed demon guy I waded into dangerous waters by googling the phrase “disturbed guy.” Luckily, this actually worked 100% perfectly because this character’s official name in the Disturbed canon is: “The Guy.” So, fret not, originality is not dead!
Anyways, these masks don’t count and are nowhere near as satisfying, Venom-wise, as the following real-deal masks.
Bronze Level
This happy little guy!
Available here
Look how happy this lil’ Venom is! What a jolly old fellow. Why the big smile, buddy? Happy that it’s almost Halloween? I bet!
For a Venom, he’s surprisingly well-adapted to conventional beauty standards: perfectly symmetrical eyes, a well-defined chin, a full set of uniformly grey teeth…
He looks even better in profile:
There are, as expected, a few drawbacks to this bad boy. Firstly, I believe you would have to be permanently cross-eyed to correctly wear this mask; those eye holes are way too close together. Or, perhaps I am completely misinterpreting the scale of this thing. Here’s an approximation of how big this mask would need to be for these eye holes to properly align with an adult man’s eyes:
The second major drawback of this Venom mask is the obvious lack of a big ol’ tongue, one of Venom’s hallmark characteristics and his most prized possession. You’ll see what I mean in these next examples.
These are quintessential Venom masks. When you tell the stranger sitting next to you on the subway that you’re dressing up as Venom for Halloween, they are probably picturing a mask that looks like this. They’ve got tongue! They’ve got the Rorschach test eyes! What more could you want!?
I don’t think these are the same mask. I mean, it’s obvious that they have different paint jobs. But, if the mold isn’t truly identical, then the manufacturer of one of them must have seen the other and subsequently instructed an expert team of Venom mask sculptors to emulate it as closely as possible. It even has the same Emperor Palpatine-esque forehead situation:
And let’s not forget the beauty of the sides of these masks:
Mmm-mmm-mmm! The considered texture of that ever-important Venom skin is making me hungry for some squid ink pasta!
And here’s a view that I just love:
Is this a Venom mask or a greaser-era Elvis mask? We may never know! (From this angle. It’s very obviously Venom from the front.)
Ok, now we’re talking! Finally getting to the good stuff! These three masks are all clearly different sculpts, but I grouped them together because they are all going for the same effect: extra big and extra slobbery.
I mean, look at this thing:
That’s gross! What were they thinking?? This one must have been made by a true Venom-fanatic (a “Venomite”). I can only assume that every one of these masks are drizzled with resin by hand, by an artisan in a small European village, where the craft of Venom mask making has been passed down from generation to generation since the character reached its height of popularity 23 years ago.
The second mask in this group also comes with a full-body Venom body costume. How generous!
In this mask’s case, are the eye holes too far apart? What is going on with these small-village Venom mask craftspeople and a fundamental lack of eye hole placement understanding?
We also can’t ignore those gigantic Venom hands. They are wonderful. But we’ll have to save full analysis of those for the eventual sequel to this post, “The Definitive Ranking of Commercially Available ‘Venom’ Hands.”
The last mask in this group claims to be signed by Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee:
Sure, I definitely believe that Stan Lee, who had no involvement with the editorial direction of Spider-Man comics when Venom was created, visited that small European village and signed all of these Venom masks.
Platinum Level
Whatever you call this thing
Available here
This thing is absolutely disgusting! Like…what???
Sadly there are no other photos of this disasterpiece, but what we have been graced with is quite enough to unload in one blog post.
First of all, the slobber. As we saw in the Gold Level masks, slobber, when used properly, can be a very powerful and effective element in the pursuit of bringing Venom to three-dimensional life. Here, however, it looks like poor Venom is ill. Seriously. Just look at that slobber. It’s all up in his gums. Ew.
Next, his tongue is lazily flopped to one side like he’s a dog trying to cool himself off on a hot summer’s day. He’s not flexing the thing at all; very un-Venom-like.
Lastly, the eyes. I will say this: I think the eye holes might be accurately placed and correctly proportioned. You might actually be able to see out of this mask! But what is the deal with the little wispy strings of Venom eye that go up the center of the forehead? Perhaps this is what Venom looks like when the symbiote is worn by that WWE wrestler Sting?
This might actually make sense because Venom and Sting both reached the height of their popularity roughly 23 years ago.
Overall, I actually love this mask because it’s so shamelessly nasty and awful. Don’t get me wrong: this mask is terrible. That is why it’s amazing. Go look at it again. Scroll up. You probably already forgot how disgusting it is. Now that you’ve been reminded, let’s move on to the pièce de résistance.
At first I thought these two masks might be the same molds with different paint jobs (a la the Silver Level masks), but the keen eye can notice the clear difference in the arc of the tongues—a crucial detail.
These masks also feature the best (only?) mouth-holes of the bunch, so you can still eat those sweet, sweet Reese’s cups while you’re Venoming it up.
The eye holes are excellent as well; they’re going for the “Venom has weird nostrils” look. And since they are below Venom’s actual eyes, not only do you avoid the weird mesh cutout of the Gold and Platinum level masks, but you also get the pleasure of seeing Venom eyes go almost all the way to the top of the mask’s scalp!
I also like to imagine that this could be somebody’s ID photo:
These masks are truly majestic.
In conclusion, if you are going to buy a Venom mask for Halloween, make it one of these two masks. They have it all: maximum startle-power, gross tongues, freaky eye holes, too many teeth, etc., etc. Really, the masks speak for themselves.
Well, I hope this guide has been helpful to you! But if you still can’t choose which mask to get for this year’s big Halloween bash, don’t worry! Because in the end, we are all just turds in the wind.