Romper stomping through the cliches
Whew. Well, waking up feeling super average gave me a good excuse to have a good old binge on Romper Stomper. It made me feel heaps less average! Bored and waiting for bad hot takes I decided to write my own.
Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, Content warning: All caps, dorky, satire, likely to offend someone, Spoilertown
PREVIOUSLY on Episode One
We meet the whole gang, there is dramatic music, slack bastard fulfils a life long dream and gets a shout out in a real life tv show, there are humanity alerts for patronusbogan and his dwarves, we learn that the anti-fash don’t BYO rocks, they myseriously walk arms linked along dreamy vistas of seasides, shiny shoes and matching shiny skirt mean you are rich, and all uni lecturers are ABC commo scum. Also, that there are weird easter eggs sending messages in support of BDS by featuring gun cabinets with vintage soda making bottles.
A small car, it is dark, what is going to happen? Three escaped prison chicks getting their butts kicked by an inexplicably sassy soccermumjavelinathleteonwaytoearlymorningpractice driver.
Three prisoners walk casually in the middle of the road close to where they unsuccessfully jumped a car three against one — because — I literally don’t know.
In a surprising twist police come.
The excruciating boring list of WHAT IS IN THE BAG that happened earlier later becomes clear, because SHE IS MACGUYVER.
She gets away and stuff.
Unbelievable trophy wife goes out for a quickie with torturedcharismaticyoungman. He is like heaps concerned so he had smashed a mans brains in for her. HAWT. Moisty moisty good times roll as they discreetly don’t go somewhere like OUTside the house her husband is asleep in, but inside, in his study (featuring inexplicable vintage soda stream)
She is empowered because he goes down on her! She doesn’t have to suck dick for money anymore — you go grrrrl. Getting cunning for jesus.
(cutting room floor: them rolling around on a swastika flag…. Because classy and under stated)
Chippy or Bluey or whichever of the bogan dwarfs says hello. Its all matey matey — BUT THEN W8 his face changes when torturedcharismaticyoungman leaves. Maybe he is SUSPICIOUS.
Evil father from original ROMPER STOMPER gets paid back by HAVING HIS GOLF TAKEN AWAY. Years of sexual abuse — sucked in mother fucker! Who has da power now beeee-atch. Jacqueline Mackenzie still looks great but can’t seem to find her way through the very average everything. But she is SUPERSHINY still. (cos rich) She somehow has an urge to go tell her meandad that her son is “back”…. Maybe she has no friends to talk to, or maybe they ran out of budget. Is he her son? IS IT TOO MUCH OF A LEAP FOR MY PUNY BRAIN. Stay tuned!
Fightbackarab is in a gym. He is tough. He is a rock. He is an island. Nicearabdude is not tough enough — HE MUST MAN UP. Tough man handz are what makes manz.
Street savvy takes off jumper AND TURNS IT AROUND, actually looks proud of herself. BRILLIANT AMIRITE
Spunkyarab is asked to go on the current affairs cliché clickbait show. It is necessary that she shows a bit of vanity at this point so she can be brought down a peg or two l8ers.
WAIT — cut to the other spunkyantifashbabe …its like THEY HAVE THINGS IN COMMON. We are all human. This subtley is hitting me like a wrecccccccking ball (cue weird visual images of patronusbogan naked and licking a wrecking ball)
Spunkyarab gets predictably smashed on the show. DerrynHunch is vaguely believeable because cliché loaded upon cliché stereotype turns out to be herald-sun-real
ACCURACY ALERT: spunkyarab gets trolled WAIT THERE IS MORE
ACCURACY ALERT: antifash are doing food not bombs stall. This is sadly brought down by the unimaginative choices of chicken or tomato. However — HUMANITY ALERT — POINTS FOR THE ANTIFASH
Geekcamera likes prisonjumperchild
Fightbacktoughmanhandz and m8s are at a kebab stall. Some classy street harassment happens bc muslims can be baddies sometimes.
Fightbacktoughmanhandz arab is angry. Angry from years of copping shit (AA). Smashes a dude, we don’t know if he is dead.
The bogan dwarves are together. Patronusbogan is wearing a very fetching aussie flag apron bc MEAT = AUSSIE.
(Cutting room floor — Australian flag apron teamed with fake man boobs. Bc subtle)
Speech from trophywife She is pretty and loves jesus but says CUNT a lot. Hilair! The bogandwarves and high vis moron love her feistiness and are confused in their pants. (#notallmorons #NotallHighVis)
NotAllHighVis comes to ask for help bc cops are pansies but they kind of like them but cops are pansies held back by the ABC lefty commos.
Torturedcharismaticyoungman has gone some kind of epic character development arc whilst someone was chucking a piss and is now giving an inspiring speech. Well fuck me. Consider my belief suspended AS friends. I thought this would be at least 3 eps in.
He’s been watching ted talks! He can pace AND TALK. He is the law! We need to patrol! Muzzies. Africans. Islander gangs? (*wait are there gangs of pacific islanders praying and giving garlands to people?) — WELL LETS FUCK THEM UP ANYWAY
The bogandwarves don’t know him but they are inspired by his tedtalk. The old wolf is being superseded by a new pack leader (soz, got ahead of myself — stay tuned for some epic battle in ep4)
Weird chandelier shot of solo praying muslim.
Friendlyimam “I’m from your hood yo”
Utterly bizarre flashing lights house with friendly old guy. Will she rip him off? Does she have a heart of gold under all that street savvy backwards jumper wearing façade? He makes a hearty joke about marriage — AMIRITE
Dispenses pearls of wisdom like dollar bills.
Shinyshiny meets a new character. Epic surprise — she is having an affair with him!
Doom music. STUFF IS GOING DOWN.
They decide to pick on a white guy first. Bc …..
Graffiti artists are jesus.
Look even I’m confused now.
A new character is strangely happening to be at a pub they walk past flyering already filming. THE WORKING MAN is keen and takes the flyers.
They walk past brown people and bash them saying “come here Aladdin” How cute the bogandwarves are calling them princes.
Within 5 minutes homeless people, disenfranchised, are coming out — THE NEW HEROES ARE HERE. Torturedcharismaticyoungman gives someone his blanky he used to call fluffles. He doesn’t need it anymore cos #manhandz
Time passes. We know this from nighttime and day time shots. AUTEURS can do anything. The bogandwarves now have cute matching jackets and mysteriously stumble across a nuclear weapons facility in a garage and they kick their arses. FOR JUSTICE AND FREEDOM.
Patronusbogan chuckles heartily at the worst pretend headline seen in a movie! With unnecessary exclamation marks! Not sure why anyone who can actually write would do that! Or talk in ALL CAPS.
Antifashbabe and her man make sweet commie love. Or socialist or anarchist. One of those things.
Unrelated monkey face mask is unrelated.
Woo! Whizzy tools. Those antifash have mad skills yo.
Cheesy banner jam. Inneractivist cheers at their mad skills, though critiques their graphic choices.