Catching Kinksters in the Wild

Story of how I surprised even myself by starting two lovely new relationships within the span of three days. 
 My previous blog was about the fears I have in going to kink events, and specifically that I was uncomfortable to go to an event *looking* for play or intimacy. By the end of writing it, I’d fairly well convinced myself it was not a good idea for me. 
 But I needed kink so bad, my desire to be sexually submissive was taking over my life in a very annoying way. If I didn’t go to an event, how would I ever find the thing I craved?
 I had some good advice come to me recently. I was at a dance, and dancing with someone who I’ve had some kinky adventures with. Our relationship is “occasional play partner, frequent dance partner, and friend,” but we don’t have any emotional comittment to each other.
 While we danced, I told him about how low I’d been feeling lately. I talked about how I have a lot of friends, but very few who really care about me. Very few who I feel comfortable to ask for help. And be emotionally vulnerable with. 
 He replied, “Well, it’s times like this when you find out who’s really there for you.”
 This thought affected me a lot over the next few days. 
 As I went through my life and encountered people, I thought… Is this person emotionally present? Are they here for me if I need it? 
 #43 and #44 are both friends that have been in my life for two years each. Through dancing and some various parties. (They know each other and have some other mutual friends besides me.) I had thought of them both in very non-romantic ways for the past two years. They are both goofy and playful and whimsical, tender and emotional. Artists. They’re both the kind of guy who’s friends with mostly women. They both love to pick me up when they greet me and dance with me. 
 But I didn’t feel that there was anything sexy about these playful connections. Until all of a sudden I fucken did. A switch flipped in me. Suddenly I realized these were the people who have always been there for me. I realized I could trust them. #43 is the one who always wanted to connect with *ME*, and actively valued our personal connection higher than the context of our meeting (music party, dance party, whatever). #44 is the one who noticed I was sad from the other side of the room, and came over to comfort me. It was at a late-night dance and I was pretending to be asleep. But he saw through to my real feelings. Then he offered me a dance and said “Let’s dance what you feel.” 
 Fuck kink, the thing I need the most is emotional intimacy, and trust, and I’ll be damned if I go searching for it in my own back yard. I want to feel emotionally safe and I just need to be around people I trust. Safety takes trust, and trust takes time. 
 I went to #43’s house on Tuesday and #44’s house on Thursday. Both dates were pure magic. 
 #43 highlights
 — Arriving at his house, to find him and 3 friends cozily having quiet-time work in his bedroom. 
 — He tells me we’re having quiet time, and hands me a book he’s been reading about relationships. 
 — When his friends start to leave, he offers me a foot massage using cottonwood bud oil he extracted himself. Fuck yes
 — During the foot rub, he says, “I think you’re really cute. Do you want to make out?” I said, “Yes, in a little while.”
 — He’s been attracted to me for years, and I’m so thankful for how patient he is with me.
 — I really like the way that he sets his own boundaries firmly and makes his emotional needs very clear. 
 — He is endlessly fascinated by emotions and human relationships. 
 — His job involves spending time with children in nature. 
 — He listened to me cry and express my sadness, and helped bring me out of it, with gentle touch and listening ear. 
 — Realizing this is someone I could actually look up to, he knows things that I don’t. I had thought he was younger than me but he’s one year older.
 — Helped me open my sexual desire back up, after a few months of sadness.
 — Feeling smiles burst onto my face, feeling foriegn like they had forgotten how to be there. 
 — The joy of being sexual for the first time with an old friend.
 — He goes down to lick my pussy and I warn him that it might smell like blood; I’m at the end of my period. In a few minutes, he tells me, “Your pussy smells so good, it smells like something I want to eat. It’s like a delicious dripping sandwich!” 
 — He figures out quickly enough that I like pain, and at one point bites my back and just holds onto the flesh until the pain gives way to pure comfort. After that, he says “Wow, thought that stuff wasn’t really my thing, but now I’m starting to like it. It’s kind of like the rush from fighting or wrestling.”
 — What??! So all this pain he’s been doing for me the whole time, was just because he found out that I liked it, but until this very moment, it didn’t personally give him pleasure? Heart fucken melt at the sweetness of this generous lover. 
 #44 highlights
 — I go to his house for dinner, and we have good conversation for a while. We find that we have a lot of similar emotional patterns and insights. I love that he is so emotional and caring. He is an acting teacher, and leads workshops in vulnerability.
 — The topic of flirtation comes up, he says, “I’d be interested in flirting with you.” We both got cutely shy when I said “Yes me too.” 
 — Laying on his bed, he says “How would you feel about making out?” I said, “Yes, in a little while.” 
 — In a little while, he says, “What would it mean for you if we made out?”
 — I replied, simply — “I would like it. It would feel good. And it might lead to it happening again.” 
 — Finding out throughout the evening that he is one KINKY MOTHERFUCKER
 — Holy fuck.
 — The feeling of surprise as he slowly adds more and more layers of kinky delight.
 — This happened last night so it’s very clear in my mind.
 — Touching EVERY part of my skin and body as if it is a sexual organ. Because it is. Face, arms, legs, feet, hair, inner thigh. Light touch brings out squirms of pleasure.
 — He’s SO responsive to MY response. He totally loves my reactions, and can hardly help but let me know about it. Rather than feeling spotlighted or shy, I feel seen and encouraged. 
 — His delight in my response made me feel more comfortable being vulnerable and expressive.
 — He liked seeing me vulnerable.
 — He liked gripping my hair while holding my head in place, while holding his lips half an inch from mine, so my whole body begged for a kiss. 
 — When he’s touching my inner thighs and they start to shake.
 — When he puts his hands between my closed knees to open my knees, he barely used any force, it was more of just a suggestion to open, and at the same moment as I felt resistance in my thighs, wanting to hold my legs together, as soon as I felt the resistance it was melting away, and my legs shuddered as they fell open for him. 
 — We’ve danced together so much that he knows how to guide my body.
 — He never asked me to suck his cock, but there he is standing at the edge of the bed naked, I can hardly help but to kiss his leg and lift up my head to put his hard dick in my mouth. 
 — A lot of men in my life have wanted me to touch their cock because it feels good for *them.* But what I really love is to suck dicks because I love doing it, and I choose to do it, and hold onto a dick and keep it near me because it comforts me. 
 — I said fuck me so he got a condom. 
 — But once he put his dick in me, I felt the tightness and tension in my vagina’s walls. So I asked for slower fucking, which was comforting but the tension was still there. I needed to stop. 
 — I told him the thing I believed could loosen me up is Pussy Massage. There’s so much tighness inside me, I need a massage. I had recently watched this video on it:
 — As I layed down, he pressed down on my chest with one hand to ground me. One finger went gently into my pussy, and started pressing against the left side. The increase in pressure brought a wave of emotional agony over me. I turned my head to the side to bury my tears in the blankets. “Good, cry,” he said. In less than 30 seconds I asked for the touch to stop. I turned on my side and he spooned me from behind as I sobbed. 
 — It was the first time I’d asked someone to do that for me, and I was so happy that I finally found the key, that can help me process my sexual problems and fears. This single touch brought up so many memories, stored in my body. Memories of touch I didn’t want. Penetration I wasn’t ready for. Fucking people who I didn’t trust. 
 — I knew this was the start of a serious journey. There is no way I’m letiting anyone inside me any more until I can process more of this pain and trauma. 
 — We made plans to spend a lot of time on pussy massage next time.
 — He asked me for feedback on the sex. He asked me questions about what kind of touch and pain I like to recieve. He asked me about my hard limits. 
 — We went to sleep, so happy. 
 — In the morning, there’s more play of course, though my pussy is hands-off.
 — He accidentally scared me by touching a spot on my side that was too ticklish, but then comforted me by lying on top of my back. 
 — I had told him that the number one thing I crave, even more than pleasure, is Desire.Emotional desire is easy for me, but physical desire is difficult. Sometimes my pussy feels seperated from the rest of my body. It can take a really long time before I actually start to crave touch there. 
 — He really took this information to heart, and told me he decided not to touch my pussy unless I asked for it there. He said, “I love to just tease you all around without touching directly, and just watch the juice drip down your legs.” 
 — He pulls me onto his lep and I finally get some ass slapping. It’s just what I need. He keeps me surprised with every motion.. hitting in slightly different places, pausing after he withdraws his hand so I don’t know when the hit is coming. Sometimes doing a fake-out spank where he hardly touches me, but I moan and sigh anyway.
 — He had said “Good” about a hundred times during our play. But I know what he really wanted to say — he finally said it. “Good Girl.” 
 — After the spanking I twist around to gaze up into his face, his hand in my hair again.
 — I allow him to look into my soul and see on my face the precious image of adoration, fear, and submission. He looks down on me protectively as we hold the eye contact, and says seriously, “I think we could really have some good play together.” It is this image of his face that keeps flashing through my mind today.
 — Looking forward to next week, when he has invited me to take a class with him at the rope dojo.
 I’m still having difficulty adjusting my mind to this reality. #44 is a Dom, and a rope top? REALLY?? I never ever would have guessed. We’ve danced together a lot, and played around, but only ever had one “actual conversation,” which was a year ago at a holiday party. I have always seen the playful side of him, but I never saw the serious side, the protective side, or even the sexual side. Now, my whole perception of this friend has changed so much in just one night. I’m so happy that I opened myself up to the possibility. And I trusted my instinct to date him, and value emotional intimacy over kink. The kink turned out to be an added bonus. A very very good bonus, which will make us want to stick together.
 Both of these experiences in a row have been so healthy for me. I’m dating two new people in one week! It’s the best feeling, I feel SO CARED FOR. I am so excited to see how both of these relationships progress. 
 One thing I find very interesting — dating two people at once like this, with both relationships starting at the same time, will really help highlight the distinction between relationships with my *lovers* and relationship with *myself.*
 My relationship with myself changed a good deal between Tuesday and Thursday. On Tuesday I showed up to #43’s house just feeling bad and close to tears. He helped me work through this very surface-level pain, and start to open up sexually. And even open up to love. Open up to human connection. The next morning, I felt good but admittedly still slightly numb — recovery takes time. Over the next few days the opening and blooming continued inside me. I had plans to visit #44 on Thursday, but had been quite unsure whether I would like it to be a romatic date or not. Slightly apprehensive, even. But as Thursday evening drew nearer, I found myself really really hoping that it would be sexual. 
 As #44 got into my pants, I was ready for it, and I was ready to go even deeper and ask for the pussy massage, and encounter some very deep hidden pain.
 My different experience with both of these lovers comes partially from themselves, but also because they met me at different points along my journey. 
 I am so glad that both of these beautiful people are able connect with me and meet me where I am. Though they didn’t choose each other, they are now on the same team, because they are both helping me to learn and grow. They will end up having an indirect connection with each other, via my body as the vessel.

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