4 Death Fantasies to Wake Up To This Morning

1. Commuter efficiency

We all know that the subway can be a pain sometimes. One way to help alleviate this is to encourage the conversion to automated trains and signalling. What better way to move this cause forward than to be standing on the platform, on the yellow line, with no headphones as you hear the rush of the train, your eyes closed, a small misstep, and suddenly you and your train are one. Not only have you ruined the commute for others, you’ve helped encourage the transit agency to move toward automated trains to help reduce the ensuing trauma for hundreds of operators that see bits of bone fragments encrusted in their windows every year.

2. Fireplace Flue Fantasy

Picture yourself lying on your couch in your living room, surrounded by everyone who loves you (all alone), the smell of the wood fireplace filling the room. A few flurries through the window on this cold winter day almost warm up your barely functioning heart, as your lungs fill with carbon-monoxide and slowly lulls you to an eternal sleep. Sexy!

3. Meeting Room Mystery

In a case that has yet to be understood fully, the record shows that you were in minute 64 of a 90 minute meeting discussing a procedure to enact changes to certain policy items for your department when all of a sudden you fell out of your chair. While initially believed to be a heart attack, no signs of coronary damage were found, and the case, officially still open, has been resolved in the minds of those who were with you then. You were the first person to literally die of boredom. The traumatic experience for one coworker, who you never liked, was so extreme, that her latent alcoholism re-emerged for a good decade before she got therapy. Two birds, one stone!

4. Tractor Trailer Tragedy

What better advice than to look both ways before crossing a major highway. You timed your walk so perfectly, that the tractor trailer that flattened your very being into little more than a bloodied pancake didn’t stop for miles. The driver, who had been changing the radio station at the time, thought he must have run over a small pothole. It was only after the honking of horrified drivers had convinced him that he should pull over, was what remained of your body discovered. It would be years before you would be identified, as no one had reported you missing, and you had smartly walked to a different county before getting hit. Goosebumps!

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