The Muted voices

pri
pri
Sep 4, 2018 · 5 min read
Don’t tame the wolf in you, let it out! (Pastel art — Self)

That morning my mother asked me about the bloodstains on my underwear. My mind froze, reminded of the memories of the previous night. I did not know why there was blood, I was after all a child. I was hardly 7 years old.
My mother was furious. “What happened? Did you visit the neighbour’s house today morning? Did you sit on grandpa’s chair? They said he was sick”, she asked. She waited as I stared at her blankly.
I couldn’t tell her what happened because I thought I was to blame. I was scared of bringing in on more fights in the family. So, I just nodded and said yes. She just asked me to be careful when I play around next time. That incident was a trigger to my fear. I was scared of being alone with him without anyone around because that’s when he would approach me.

One of out of many incidents; It happened when my cousins visited during the vacation in summer. There was no one at home and we started playing hide and seek. All of a sudden, he pulled me in bathroom. I couldn’t shout, I was scared. Even now, I feel the disgust and self-loathing I felt back then if I get close to anyone. Even the thoughts trigger those dreadful memories.
Although I don’t remember what happened exactly, I remember being scared. The feeling of being special, lack of pity and fear was what made me go along with it. I thought this was a way of getting accepted by people.
It only ended when one day after we shifted to a new home and he came over. I was home alone with my younger brother. He started touching me inappropriately and I tried to escape him by going to the kitchen. He followed me and started kissing me and groping my body. I cried and pushed him away. I washed my mouth in disgust.
I threatened to tell my father. He fell on my feet and asked me not to do that. When he left, I felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t felt in years, at the age of 13.
There are blank spaces in my childhood memories, that I have probably partially erased from my mind. I vaguely remember being abused by many people in my life as a child. They sometimes surface in my dreams as nightmares. I hate that there is no escape for me among this spiral of triggers around me. Every diversion becomes a trigger now. I am hurting and hurting people around me. This void that feels like a black hole just sucking the life out of me. I am trying hard to hold tight against the pull. Knowing that my sister suffered and I wasn’t there for her hurts me. There are more out there having no idea what they are going through. It feels like I need to do something about it.

I have come a long way. From a child who was abused and didn’t know what was happening to her, to a woman who has the courage to talk about what happened to her. I grew up and learnt to be happy, surrounded by wonderful people. I learnt to move past obstacles — being adamant and empathetic to fellow beings’ sufferings.

But there are times when I dwell on these thoughts…
‘I wish my parents paid more attention’
‘I wish my childhood hadn’t been so’
‘I wish it hadn’t happened.’

These are things that I cannot change. Today I am happy for what I am, a strong opinionated woman. But though I have moved on with my life, the triggers and the fears never left me, the only comfort is in the repressed memories. I just wish I could erase these memories all together, rather than remembering parts of it.
The result of years of sexual assault has made me build a strong shell around me, made me run away at the prospect of getting intimate with anyone, made me trust people less, made me loathe myself for what happened.
My circumstances are such that I still have to interact with my abuser. Being here, around the same people, who pretend to have changed, makes me feel scared sometimes. The thought that he was an offender never leaves my mind when I speak to him. I see kids around I am worried for them keep checking after them. How can I forgive him, for all my life I have been suffering from nightmares and low self-esteem because of him and people like him? how can I forgive him and all my other abusers for making my childhood a repressed memory?

How does this self-loathing and disgust from all that I have faced in my life — from bullying, sexual assault, inappropriate touching, pity, feeling of being unwanted, etc — go away?

I wish there is an end to child sexual abuse, or abuse of any sorts. it is a traumatizing experience which lasts a lifetime.

As a victim when it comes to talking about abuse there are so many questions that come to mind like
‘What if they just think you were kid you are just imagining?’
‘What If they hurt more than me everyday that they dint pay attention?’
‘What if they ask me to keep quiet and as it is in family?’
‘What if?’-etc

The never ending questions come your way. Remember one thing you are not to be blamed, you don’t have to fear. Stay strong, confide in someone what you have gone through. And you yourself decide what you want to do.

Most of cases can be prevented if only parents or teachers at school looked out for them gave them space and confidence enough, that you will not judge them, to confide in what they are facing.

Parents, observe for any signs of changes please believe your kids and teach them what is good touch and bad touch. Make them aware of their right and be open to them. Teach them to say no. Break the cultural taboo of sex and talk

Sexual violence thrives on the silence and the collusion of people who could act to stop it, but chose not to do so. #MeToo

This article is irrespective of gender because children are abused irrespective of their gender because they are assumed to be weak and easy targets. As they are young and do not know whom to seek out for help. Sexual abuse instills shame in the victims when not treated in long run leads to PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety.

Mental Health is important and repressed memory is a temporary boon. It is like a silent shadow lurking behind to come to you when you are at your weakest. So take therapy, consult Psychologists. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak, it only makes you brave!
Once for all deal with it because you are the victim and we need to overcome this and get out strong. You are not supposed to suffer so. #takethestep

I hope sex education becomes compulsory in school.

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Any one wants to talk about your problem I am here. Feel free to share your views!

pri

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